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I don’t know how to get over a grudge.
At least i think it’s a grudge. i’ve never seen my mum as a mother. Things happened why i was a kid, she was rarely around and when she was she was busy with 5 other kids and rarely got round to me. There were many times when she, though i think unintentionally, belittled me. I felt like i was a verbal punching bag cos i never argued back and no one stepped in. Until recently i felt unconfident, self councious and pretty much unloved, this was until i spoke to a councillor and i’m much better and i’ve forgiven much of what she did though some i still can’t understand. But still i can’t bring myself to feel anything for her. When she comes home crying cos people are bullying her at work, i can’t bring myself to feel anything. I feel nothing when i hug her, in fact i don’t like hugging her cos i feel i shouldn’t be doing it and there’s something there that i don’t like or feel comfortable with. When i leave the house for work she say’s i love you and i just say bye. I can’t say the words.
She’s getting on now, probably not much of her life left. I don’t want to one day stand at her grave and either feel nothing or feel that i could’ve done more. I don’t feel able to talk to her about this, she IS more emotionally fragile than i was. She breaks into tears and feels she’s done something wrong when my older sisters go to town and didn’t invite her for a change. She doesn’t know i went to a counsillor.
I don’t know how to get over this but i don’t want this anymore.
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