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He feels so…
SO. My boyfriend and I have been having a rough time since April. We were in a sort of extended honeymoon period for the first eight months of the relationship, but suddenly it hit us both (around the same time) that there were some pretty serious incompatibilities that threatened to get in the way of us having a future together.
For me, the biggest issue is that I’m younger and less rooted, from a different city and thinking I’ll move back there eventually, unsure about whether I want to marry at all, and very unsure about whether I want to have biological kids, given all of the crazy genes that I’m carrying (mental health issues up the wazoo).
On his end, he’s older (about to turn the big 3-0) and wants to feel a sense of permanency in his relationship. He knows he wants to get married and have biological kids. He is less sure about his career (still hasn’t decided if he wants to pursue law school, which will be a big commitment and hard to maintain without another source of income), whereas I’m already in my chosen career and have my masters degree. We also have different tastes when it comes to socializing — while he enjoys partying with big groups, I’m much more comfortable staying in with a few close friends and going to bed early.
So with all that, it seems almost ridiculous that we’re together. And YET. I love him. Completely. I’ve never met anyone who has made me feel so well-loved, who has treated me with so much kindness, who shares my same silly sense of humor, who loves cooking with tons of garlic like I do, who is happy to just play outside all day and eat a picnic.
I just don’t know if that’s enough to overcome all of our differences, and I guess neither does he. Since we first brought up those fears, we haven’t really sat down to have a long conversation about it (mostly because it’s the most stressful time of the school year for me — a first year teacher — and we wanted to wait until we had enough time/emotional strength), but as a result he has been feeling more distant, not writing or calling as often, and even when we are together something feels off.
I guess I’m not even sure what I’m looking for here, but I’m feeling so sad thinking that he’s pulling away, or that we’re not meant to be together, even though we’ve both made clear how much we don’t want to break up right now.
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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