Love help: He feels so…distant. - Help.com



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He feels so…

distant.

SO. My boyfriend and I have been having a rough time since April. We were in a sort of extended honeymoon period for the first eight months of the relationship, but suddenly it hit us both (around the same time) that there were some pretty serious incompatibilities that threatened to get in the way of us having a future together.

For me, the biggest issue is that I’m younger and less rooted, from a different city and thinking I’ll move back there eventually, unsure about whether I want to marry at all, and very unsure about whether I want to have biological kids, given all of the crazy genes that I’m carrying (mental health issues up the wazoo).

On his end, he’s older (about to turn the big 3-0) and wants to feel a sense of permanency in his relationship. He knows he wants to get married and have biological kids. He is less sure about his career (still hasn’t decided if he wants to pursue law school, which will be a big commitment and hard to maintain without another source of income), whereas I’m already in my chosen career and have my masters degree. We also have different tastes when it comes to socializing — while he enjoys partying with big groups, I’m much more comfortable staying in with a few close friends and going to bed early.

So with all that, it seems almost ridiculous that we’re together. And YET. I love him. Completely. I’ve never met anyone who has made me feel so well-loved, who has treated me with so much kindness, who shares my same silly sense of humor, who loves cooking with tons of garlic like I do, who is happy to just play outside all day and eat a picnic.

I just don’t know if that’s enough to overcome all of our differences, and I guess neither does he. Since we first brought up those fears, we haven’t really sat down to have a long conversation about it (mostly because it’s the most stressful time of the school year for me — a first year teacher — and we wanted to wait until we had enough time/emotional strength), but as a result he has been feeling more distant, not writing or calling as often, and even when we are together something feels off.

I guess I’m not even sure what I’m looking for here, but I’m feeling so sad thinking that he’s pulling away, or that we’re not meant to be together, even though we’ve both made clear how much we don’t want to break up right now.

Sigh…

This open post was written 11 months, 3 weeks ago | V/U/S: 249, 2, 2 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post


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Replies (2)

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jojo_happy_ offline Verified User (4 years, 11 months) Long Term User Shouts: 1 #
An Unknown Location | 11 months, 3 weeks ago (1 hour, 12 minutes after post)

What you need to do is speak to him. You are both in this together, and have established your differences during this time - it doesn’t mean that it won’t work, or that it can’t work between you two.
Perhaps you two can compromise and find an equal ground? If you love him like you say you do, and he does you, then why not? That’s the most important thing, right?
But you do raise valid points, points that won’t be solved until you both discuss this in length and reach a conclusion that would suit the both of you.

Sometimes couples continue in their relationship even if they are different, it can often bring something to the relationship that otherwise wouldn’t exist.
Sometimes couples break up when they find that their relationship has run its course, and that there is nothing let to keep them together.

Speak to him, tell him your concerns. He’s most probably distant because he feels you are. A lot of miscommunication occurs in stressful times, and it needs to be clarified as soon as possible.
Don’t wait until its too late. You love each other now, and you need to communicate this and speak to him about the future, for it can go either way right now.

Its up to you two to decide the path that you want, whether its embarking on it together or separately.

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Anonymous #
11 months, 3 weeks ago (19 hours, 21 minutes after post)

Thank you very much — this was thoughtful and clarifying advice.

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