talk help: I’m scared of my best friend… - Help.com

Oh honey, I’m so sorry. I know what it’s like to have trouble trusting men — I was also raped, and had past traumas as a little girl, and at least for me I had an incredibly difficult time being able to be open and intimate with anybody, or letting my guard down. Have you gone to talk to someone about it? I started therapy a year ago and it has been incredibly helpful for my growth, my trust in myself, and in my relationships with people around me, and helped me to strengthen my relationship with my mother and with my boyfriend. Try to find a good counselor or support group, it’s clear that you are still deeply affected by what happened.

In terms of your friend — how comfortable are you trusting him with this information about your past? I have found it to be surprisingly freeing talking to the people closest to me about what happened (despite how difficult and terrifying it was in the moment). If you truly value his friendship, and trust that he has your best interests at heart, then I would open up to him about it. You don’t even need to include the part about your dreams (which he might misinterpret), but instead let him know that you care about him and value his friendship, but are having a hard time being in the friendship because of what happened to you. Just by being honest with him, you are giving your friendship the benefit of the doubt, and giving him an opportunity to give you the kind of support that he can’t give you now.

No matter what, good luck, make sure you take care of yourself first, and only do what feels good. I’m always here to talk if you want to talk more about it.

Im so sorry for what happened to you, and its logicall youre feeling this way now. As the person abobe me said, therapy is very useful and will help you for sure to trust men and people in general again. If youre not already doing it it would be good that you concider it, good luck!

Hm…well it is worth looking into more deeply. I don’t want to ask any more details about your rape, but if the person who raped you was someone in your life who you trusted, it may be that you are subconsciously afraid that it will happen again, since you clearly trust and care for your friend, and that feeling of trust can be scary if you’ve had it broken so completely before.

Alternatively, you may be thinking that you are not worth the true care of a male, or any kind of platonic care from a male, and that all of the love your friend is showing you is somehow coming from a perverse place where he wants more from you than friendship.

It’s also possible that you feel guilty about your closeness with your friend (in some ways closer to him than you are to your boyfriend, which in reality is not a problem at all, different people provide different things to our life), and that guilt translates into the guilt you may have felt about the rape.

All of these are legitimate feelings, and obviously just speculation on my part since I don’t know you or the situation very well (only you know for certain), but I do believe that looking into how your subconscious is responding to your relationships can provide insight into your deeper feelings about it.

I just want to mention that it took me three different therapists (one as a little girl, one in college, and one now) to find the right fit — the first two were perfectly lovely people but totally useless for me. I wouldn’t give up on therapy after one try, there are so many different kinds and types of people. It is clear that the rape is still affecting you deeply and your important relationships, and you deserve to have it cleared so you can take ownership over your life.

Maybe you could try another therapist, every person is different maybe the therapist you was going with wasnt the right one for you. I say this because all you say looks clearly to me like youve got some issues regarding what happened to you, and I dont know the reason you dream that but a therapist would. Anyways, even if you dont go, just remember your friend has done nothing but good to you, if you feel comfortable talk to him and explain whats happening to you i think he will understand hes been very supportive.

So it happened to you twise :S I dont know what to advice this is a delicate matter. I wish you luck, as someone above said try to talk to a female adult person you feel could guide you over this.

i’ve been a victim of sexual assault and abuse myself. the guy is my ex. i dont talk to him anymore. no one knows about it either, its just me and my counsellors that know, i’ve kept to myself for a very long time, it gets hard :/ ….wow it must take alot of strength to b able to forgive, i still cant, everything still fresh in my mind, im still in the early stages of this process.
i too find it hard to trust males, ive been told its good to have guy friends though, just friends, because then it will help you feel more secure or confident about men and realise that not all of them want to take it further etc.
ive been single ever since my ex. its been hard, because i cant trust anyone and some wierd guy made rumours that i went out with him and did things with him :/
i cant even trust another guy to even go out with him , let alone ‘do things’ with him.
urgh , anyway, i guess im doing a bit of venting and thought i’d share abit, its helps to know that your not completely alone on things like in this site. i feel quite alone and lonely when it comes to this all the time pretty much.

your friend sounds like a nice guy…. maybe not explain the dreams, but you could try to explain to him that you find it hard to trust any sort of guys, even just friends ….but why do you want to let him know that your feeling abit freaked out around him lately? is it effecting the way you act around him or your friendship? if so, then you should talk to him

oo wow, well i guess it must feel nice in a way to forgive, carrying a grudge all the time can not be so nice :( ….all i have for my ex now is hate really. your really strong for being over to forgive like that, i can convince myself that i’ve forgiven and im ready to move on with my life one minute but then i end up at square one again. if it was in my hands and would send him to hell.
o yes and thanku for replying earlier once again

tyffani_raquel wrote:
Also my ex is still in my life… I’m trying to get back with him…

He raped you during 4 years and you are trying to get back with him?

tyffani_raquel wrote:
Oh my god….im so sorry…i just reread this post…i shouldn’t complain…I’m so sorry for that…please for give me everyone…

Huh..why cant you complain? You went through horrible things, you can complain all you want. What I dont get is why you want to keep on doing things that are no good for you. You said you was raped by 2 different men, and you want to come back with one of them again. It is clear that you somehow like being hurt, why?

tyffani_raquel wrote:
I know….it’s stupid…but he’s changed….he tries not to be that person…i was the first girl he did that to….i know he’s better than that….then again I could be blinded by love…it doesn’t matter…i should stop complaining…im sorry…

Raper for 4 years? and YOU trying to get back to him. Trust me he hadnt change and your gonna suffer again. Its not hard to figure out, come on…

Go get yourself a cup of tea tyffani and take a break.

My advice is that you need to talk to specialist about your experiences, your feelings and how they are affecting you.

When you’re feeling a little calmer, get in touch with these people:

http://www.rainn.org/

Some victims also find it helpful to connect on more specific forums and share experiences and support with other victims. Here are some you could explore:

http://www.dancinginthedarkness.com/
http://www.aftersilence.org/

My second piece of advice is simply that you are not emotionally well enough to be dating ANYONE right now.

You need to spend time fixing yourself, boosting your self-esteem and understanding that when love comes, it does not come with conditions.

Least of all “you have to have sex with me”.

My third piece of advice…

Rape is NOT the fault of the victim.

But, there are things victims can do to prevent them REMAINING victims.

Stay away from environments where predators hang out. Re-consider who is truly being a friend for YOUR sake and who is simply being a friend for their own purposes.. Do not entrust your innermost complex issues to those who have no experience of the world. They cannot help you and could, inadvertently perhaps, cause further damage. Listen to the advice of your doctors, counsellors and those with experience in such matters.

And no. Don’t fall back into the spider’s web when you only just flew free…

My fourth piece of advice:

Sign up for assertiveness training classes.
Learn how to say no.

In returning to your agressors, you are, in their eyes, simply saying “yes”.

Tell me.

If I, today, were to be mugged on the street and those that mugged me were still out there, attacking passers-by on the same stretch every night…

Would you advise me to go back and walk the same stretch alone every night waving my purse in the air?

Of course not.

You would tell me… “steer clear. Learn from past experiences. Wise up”.

You would say “don’t make yourself a victim again”.

And that’s what you need to do.

Steer clear, get fixed up, move on.

Follow the advice you’ve been given here.

Make an action plan and stick to it.

And do not, on any account, consider dating anyone until you feel strong and empowered enough to cope with dating.

If you stick around with either of these guys, it will come to a bitter end. Believe me.

Find new friends.

Preferably female for now.

tyffani_raquel wrote:
Thank you…i don’t drink tea but thanks for the thought….idk if I should talk about it again….its making me flashback badly….ive got too many issues….im scared is be locked up if I went for help….idk…my mind is really blurry….

The reason why you are having the bad thoughts and flashbacks is because you have not dealt with the issue properly. It still is doing harm to you because of the effort it takes to repress it. Counseling is the only way to properly be able to move on. I agree with mums. Any relationship with a guy right now is not right. Not for him or for you. You mentioned trying 3 different counselors. Try 33. And if #33 is not good, go find #34. If you are a Christian start there. Talk to God. Talk to your Pastor at church. Seek out Hope Counseling http://hopecounselingeap.com/Counseli… . If they can’t help you they will know of someone who can.

You are in a black hole. If you keep this suppressed the hole only gets bigger and deeper. And crawling back out will be harder.

The rapes happened 2 years ago but you are still being victimized and hurt by it. Please seek help. You are a brave and smart girl. Give yourself the best chance of being made whole again.

Last thing. I am very very sorry that this happened to you. It was not your fault. Period. No one should be allowed to get away with doing that to any human. But as long as you hurt he still has power over you. Make the pain go away permanently.

You my dear, will be in my prayers.

Reality check here..

He does not make the memories go away.

He IS the memories.

Take control and go give RAINN a call.

Now, having given the best advice I can regarding being a rape victim, something needs clearing up for me.

Where are your parents in all this? Presumably they cared because they paid for counselling as far as they could? What do you think their reaction is going to be to you continuing to be with your agressor?

Did he rape you?

You said in your previous post that you’d succumbed to compulsive lying and had lied about being raped…? I’m confused as to what’s what with that.

Define where the reality is hun. Write that truth down.

When things get twisted and unreality creeps in, go get the “truth” paper you wrote and read it over and over.

Get counselling.

I didn’t really have time to read all the responses so sorry if I’m repeating something someone else said. Anyhow I want to start by telling you the most important thing for you to remember while dealing with getting over the rape. #1 Do not let this make you make bad decisions for your life. I’m sorry you are affected deeply by this, but remember you are to continue living, and live strong. Don’t be defeated, don’t give up. Continue to search ways to get better.

As for the dream, it’s just a dream. I’ve had dreams that were similar so don’t be discouraged to not love this person as a friend because of some stupid dream, also I wouldn’t even tell him unless you felt it would make you feel better.

dreamwithinadream wrote:
find a good counselor

anikkiberr wrote:
therapy is very useful and will help you

Cell wrote:
Time to tell someone else that you can trust.

mumstheword wrote:
you need to talk to specialist: http://www.rainn.org/

southern_comfort wrote:
Counseling is the only way to properly be able to move on.

We wouldn’t say these things if we didn’t mean it. Find somebody. A trained counselor, preferably female, but find someone.

And the guy who raped you is NOT the person we are talking about. That’s like a chicken asking for security advice from the pack of wolves living next door.

CallingAllAngels wrote:
Don’t be defeated, don’t give up. Continue to search ways to get better.

Thought I was seeing double… You both have the same avatar.

southern_comfort wrote:

CallingAllAngels wrote:
Don’t be defeated, don’t give up. Continue to search ways to get better.

Thought I was seeing double… You both have the same avatar.

Not me, but that’s why I replied to the post, I felt a connection, ha.

i’m so sorry for what you’ve had to go through, just know that if this guy is your best friend he won’t hurt you like that. Have you seen someone to talk to professionally? i think you probably should because a therapist could really help you figure out why your dreams are turning out like that. plus, sometimes it’s nicer talking about things to a person who you don’t really know well.

Wrong sweetheart. NOBODY deserves to be raped. Under ANY circumstances. Get that through your skull right now.

When were you raped? How long ago? and by whom? You have many ‘guy friends’. How about adding fictitious names so we are clear who you are talking about.
Boyfriend #1, Guy friend who rescued you, guy friend you dream about, guy friend who raped you, boyfriend #2 and guy friend #3. Did I miss anybody?

Also I want to know about the therapists you went to see. What did they say and what was the reason you stopped going? Were they male or female? What is your reluctance to see one again, besides you feel you “deserved” it?

if he is truly your friend, he will only be concerned for you.
but you don’t HAVE to tell him. you can let it go.

So you have been raped twice once before your boy friend and once after your boy friend and then one therapist left and one didnt listen or care and the only person cared you are having dreams about.he hasnt tried anything or made any type of come on but you say your affraid of him.I cant say that ive ever been affraid of someone that hasnt ever done anythig to me.Maybe iam just diffrent but i beleive that i would just simply try to forget and get on with my life,If your not going to press chages and your just going to let this guy walk around and possiably do the same thing to aother girl then just get on with your life and then someone else can deal with these feelings also.thats what the hell is wrong with people now days they dont want to stand up for what is right and dont want to fight.you should get mad as hell and get both of these low down punks.If you dont then stop talking about it and move on.sorry if you dont like what i say but maybe you need to get pissed insted of being affraid.

Does your mom know that you are still hanging out with your ex? What about your Dad?

Have you investigated the counselling services that operate for free near you?

Are you intending to walk away from your agressors or just keep messing with their heads and yours?

Blunt, I know - but you need to hear some straight talking now.

Therapist 1 was concerned enough about your well-being to insist you stayed in hospital. What hospital was that? You know, mental health therapy and rape counselling therapy are not the same thing at all. So you “tried therapy once”. Did you try specialist rape counselling therapy?

Yep, I can guarantee all the other teens would moan about their therapists too if they had to stay in hospital too. That does not mean that your therapist was wrong in her assessment does it?

Do you get angry? Why did the therapist think you were becoming agressive? Therapists are trained to understand emotions.

You liked therapist 2. Did you ask for a private session? This wasn’t a rape counsellor either was it?

Therapist 3… Yes, she would discharge you if you were being treated in hospital for mental health issues and weren’t showing any.

Basically, you have NOT attempted any rape counselling therapy at all. Have you?

Now…

GO GET IT.

It’s free.

http://www.justdetention.org/pdf/reso…

http://www.fcasv.org/information/find…

I dont blame you at all and i do hurt for you.My first reaction to stuff like this is anger then i just react,I cant stand guys like that ,They are just punks and cant stand rejection.They have a inferiority complex and more than likely get turned down all the time.I wish i could get my hands on them myself.Any man that would hurt a women child or anyone smaller isnt a man at all and deserves a long hard beating.Iam sorry if i offended you or hurt you.but sometimes if you can get angry and let out some of the stuff you have bottled up it helps. I do hope you can move on and i wouldnt worry about those dreams they will in time go away.just realize they are dreams and thats all.

man i have heard you say it was your fault about 40 times ,ITS NOT YOUR DAM FAULT AND STOP SAYING IT IS .I dont came if you wanted it at first then said no he should stop.its not your fault,its not your fault.you need to say that just as many time as to said it was.no man ever has a right to touch you force you or do anything that you do want.ever.Men need to be men .there just seems to be alot of boys these days.

tyffani_raquel wrote:
….i believe that is true….for everyone else….i just don’t feel it for me….
and my parents don’t like my ex….but I know him…..i know how he really is…
I’m sorry I’m so hard headed….

If it’s true for everyone else then it’s true for you. When you want to help yourself think of the best advice you would give to a friend in the same situation and then apply that advice to what you are going through. You are more than worth the best advice possible and don’t forget that!

Tyffani..

What exactly is preventing you from going to get specialist rape counselling?

Yes, I know I am being blunt with you.

Because honey, I am not hearing you say that you are going to do what needs to be done.

If you don’t, nobody here can help you.

“no I havent been to a rape specific therapist….ive been trying to get over it alone but it wasnt working….thats why I asked for help here….i already said I was sorry for doing that”

The point is, we’re giving you the help.

You’re just not taking it.

Your parents don’t know about the rapes do they? I think if they did… they would care.

Now I don’t want to hear this “sorry sorry sorry” and “it’s all my fault” nonsense any more.

What I do want to hear is that you have taken what I have said on board, that you have written down what your truth is as suggested above, and that you are going to actually make some effort to sort this problem out beyond simply relying on help.com.

I would also like to hear less contradiction and less half-truths. By that, I mean you need to start being open and forthright. Example: when you say “your parents don’t care”, that implies that they just shrug off this whole thing about your ex raping you and don’t mind if he does it again. If the reality is that you have not actually TOLD your parents this guy raped you, then that’s a whole different scenario.

People here are pretty good at figuring out what’s what.. but you aren’t helping yourself if you keep convincing yourself that therapists don’t work and aren’t giving people consistent information.

So, over to you now to help yourself.

What are you going to do about all this?

your parents don’t like your ex… but they don’t care? Which is it Tiffani?

This is what I mean by “define your reality”

I’m sorry you were raped! I’m dealing with rape issues now too. Maybe we can support eachother through this!

The way I see it is that you’re just worried, and have every right to be! But know that this guy would never do something like that to you.

Interested to hear how you can be so certain of that anon?

mumstheword wrote:
Interested to hear how you can be so certain of that anon?

I think anon meant the guy in the dream that saved her life, not the previous abusers.

I’d say the OP needs to understand that people are not always what they seem - trust has to be earned and can never be assumed.

Maybe that’s what her dreams are about?