geekgirl edited this post 11 months, 2 weeks ago. Read the previous text »
After being bullied in high school I did not think anyone could ever love me. I later moved to a new city to start a new life. I started high school and enjoyed the class. There was a guy that was in my class (we’ll call him J) which I thought was quite nice, but I never dared to think that he would ever like someone like me. I started to hang out with another guy in the class (H), which I later hooked up with. I sensed that J disagreed that we were a couple, but I was blinded to see that he actually liked me.
I was in a relationship with H for 9 months and since J went to the same class as us, he saw us every day in school and I socialized a lot with J and became more and more drawn to him because we always had a great time. I was so afraid that J would not like me and I still believed he was too good for me so it was not until J kissed me that I knew he liked me more than I imagined. I got in a relationship with J instead of H and we have now been a couple for 1.5 years.
At first J had difficulties accepting that I had been with someone else, as I was J’s first. It later became better and better, but still today, he reacts when he thinks about it or is reminded of it in any way. He then can not really be close to me and it feels like he is disgusted by me.
Sometimes I start thinking about how much better everything would be if only I had understood that I could have been with J from the beginning. I think of how much I hurt J when I was with H. I feel so incredibly nauseous when I think of all the little things he did to try and show me that he liked me and how I just ignored it all.
I can not talk to J about it because I do not want to remind him, he feels worse than me about this and he has said that he does not want to talk about it. But I do not know what to do because I feel like crap and J is so wonderful and he does not deserve what has been through because of me. I do not know how I should do to stop feeling bad about it, it affects us and I do not want to affect him more than I already have.
geekgirl changed the tags on this post: they were "Little Things, SOMEONE ELSE, relationship, High school, Every Day, Wonderful, beginning, new life, new city, Thought" 11 months, 2 weeks ago.
You can only tell him, youre together now and he should be happy that you realized it, and felt the same, instead of not taking a second to thnk about it.
My advice to you in the future, if you like the first guy, dont sell yourself short…
Go with your gut and intuition, its usually right.
J only hurt himself by not just being clear about it, and same with you.
He has to get over the hurdle of feeling grossed out, because you didnt know his feelings, and he cant hold that against you.
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weird0n wrote:
You can only tell him, youre together now and he should be happy that you realized it, and felt the same, instead of not taking a second to thnk about it.
My advice to you in the future, if you like the first guy, dont sell yourself short…
Go with your gut and intuition, its usually right.
J only hurt himself by not just being clear about it, and same with you.
He has to get over the hurdle of feeling grossed out, because you didnt know his feelings, and he cant hold that against you.
He doesn’t hold it against me, I can simply see that he is repulsed by the thought of me having been with someone else. And I don’t blame him for that.
The problem is that I can’t stop blaming myself because of me being so ignorant.
Anonymous
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11 months, 2 weeks ago (6 minutes after post)
What’s done is done. You can’t change the past, so stop thinking about how you missed an opportunity with him earlier when you have your opportunity now.
That being said, he is the one who has to get over his insecurities about him not being your first. He needs reassuring. If it turns out to be such a terrible obstacle in your relationship, you should not be in a relationship with him because he is not yet mature enough to accept the reality that people end up having multiple relationships before settling down.
I was that way with my girlfriend because I knew where she had been, but I still cared for her, it just made me sad she was “tainted” in a way. He probably just really treasures you, and wanted to be all you wanted, you know?
thats how I felt.
This account has been deactivated.
get your heads out of the past, and move forward with your relationship
This account has been deactivated.
Anonymous
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11 months, 2 weeks ago (11 minutes after post)
Anonymous wrote:
What’s done is done. You can’t change the past, so stop thinking about how you missed an opportunity with him earlier when you have your opportunity now.
That being said, he is the one who has to get over his insecurities about him not being your first. He needs reassuring. If it turns out to be such a terrible obstacle in your relationship, you should not be in a relationship with him because he is not yet mature enough to accept the reality that people end up having multiple relationships before settling down.
What can I do to make him feel better? I’ll do anything!
Anonymous wrote:
How old you guys are?
We’re both 19.
You haven’t done anything wrong.
J will have to come to terms with the fact that he is not your first, I’m afraid, as nothing you do or say will change that fact.
Perhaps if J had just told you he liked you/asked you out earlier, you wouldn’t have got together with H, but that isn’t the case, you didn’t know how he felt, and you found someone else.
I would have thought after 1.5 years J would have been able to move on from this. I think he is over-reacting, and he may have issues that he needs to talk to someone about.
Not very many people end up dating someone who has not been in a relationship before them - we all need to learn to deal with that. Being disgusted with you is not a normal reaction, and if his behaviour doesn’t change you may need to reconsider whether you are happy being with someone who makes you feel guilty abouyt something you have no need to feel guilty about.
Anonymous
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11 months, 2 weeks ago (17 minutes after post)
geekgirl wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
How old you guys are?
We’re both 19.
Believe me I have been in the exact same situation, only difference is i was at the place of J..I love my girl a lot…as J does it…but even being with her since last 5 years, i hardly can bear the pain when i think abt the other guy (H) and her were together…In the end..i am still with her..and will always be…i have compromised and adjusted myself with the past acknowledging it cant be changed…but it does hurt and u cant control it….
Anonymous
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11 months, 2 weeks ago (17 minutes after post)
Wait, it’s been 1.5 years with him and your previous relationship STILL bothers him? Listen, you really have nothing to feel guilty about. Everybody makes mistakes, and everybody has baggage. You’ve been a good girlfriend to him. You are more mature than him.
Basically, his insecurities are making you doubt yourself. I would’ve left him months ago for this reason. I know he doesn’t want to talk about it, but you really need to sort this out with him. If this isn’t solved, you’ll be in constant fear of setting him off. A relationship is built on trust, and it’s really no good if you have to tiptoe around him. Why does it bother him so much? Why does he let it harm your relationship? Why can’t he let it go already?
ilivelife wrote:
You haven’t done anything wrong.
J will have to come to terms with the fact that he is not your first, I’m afraid, as nothing you do or say will change that fact.
Perhaps if J had just told you he liked you/asked you out earlier, you wouldn’t have got together with H, but that isn’t the case, you didn’t know how he felt, and you found someone else.
I would have thought after 1.5 years J would have been able to move on from this. I think he is over-reacting, and he may have issues that he needs to talk to someone about.
Not very many people end up dating someone who has not been in a relationship before them - we all need to learn to deal with that. Being disgusted with you is not a normal reaction, and if his behaviour doesn’t change you may need to reconsider whether you are happy being with someone who makes you feel guilty abouyt something you have no need to feel guilty about.
He has told me that he had a crush on me for a year before we started dating and it feels like i ripped his heart to pieces during this time.
I am very happy with him and this is not a constant topic or reoccurance. I wouldn’t want to be without him, I just want to know if there’s anything that I can do to make him feel better?
ilivelife wrote:
You haven’t done anything wrong.
J will have to come to terms with the fact that he is not your first, I’m afraid, as nothing you do or say will change that fact.
Perhaps if J had just told you he liked you/asked you out earlier, you wouldn’t have got together with H, but that isn’t the case, you didn’t know how he felt, and you found someone else.
I would have thought after 1.5 years J would have been able to move on from this. I think he is over-reacting, and he may have issues that he needs to talk to someone about.
Not very many people end up dating someone who has not been in a relationship before them - we all need to learn to deal with that. Being disgusted with you is not a normal reaction, and if his behaviour doesn’t change you may need to reconsider whether you are happy being with someone who makes you feel guilty abouyt something you have no need to feel guilty about.
I completely agree with the above response. You can’t change who you’ve been with, and you shouldn’t feel bad about it, you can’t change your past, start living for the moment :)
My current boyfriend isn’t my first (and I’m not his) but we don’t hold it against eachother that we’ve been with other people. I don’t tend to talk about my ex with him cos I know he gets a bit upset and jealous, and he does the same for me. Just move on, appreciate each other, know that you are with each other because you care about them. Your past is the past for a reason, if you’ve learnt from it, then good. But don’t let it hold you back from living :)
Anonymous wrote:
Wait, it’s been 1.5 years with him and your previous relationship STILL bothers him? Listen, you really have nothing to feel guilty about. Everybody makes mistakes, and everybody has baggage. You’ve been a good girlfriend to him. You are more mature than him.
Basically, his insecurities are making you doubt yourself. I would’ve left him months ago for this reason. I know he doesn’t want to talk about it, but you really need to sort this out with him. If this isn’t solved, you’ll be in constant fear of setting him off. A relationship is built on trust, and it’s really no good if you have to tiptoe around him. Why does it bother him so much? Why does he let it harm your relationship? Why can’t he let it go already?
Even though I find it unbearable at times I know that our relationship is worth so much more to me than this is bothering me.
He rarely talks about his emotions and he rather wants to keep it inside and not think about it, and I don’t want him to think about it because I don’t want him to be upset or sad. That’s why I accepted not to talk about it, but I want him to understand that he can talk to me and that I just want him to be happy and, as you say, trust me.
Anonymous wrote:
geekgirl wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
How old you guys are?
We’re both 19.
Believe me I have been in the exact same situation, only difference is i was at the place of J..I love my girl a lot…as J does it…but even being with her since last 5 years, i hardly can bear the pain when i think abt the other guy (H) and her were together…In the end..i am still with her..and will always be…i have compromised and adjusted myself with the past acknowledging it cant be changed…but it does hurt and u cant control it….
See, I know that it’s not abnormal for him to feel this way. I would probably too if it was the other way around. I can even feel a bit upset when I think of girls he might have made out with while I was in a relationship with my ex. I just want to know if I can do anything to make him think about it less or make it hurt less… :(
Anonymous
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11 months, 2 weeks ago (27 minutes after post)
In that case, don’t bring it up. Ever.
When your previous relationship comes up in conversation, is it ever J who brings it up? Or is it always you?
If it’s always you, then just avoiding the topic will work. If he’s the one bitterly mentioning H, he’s going to have to stop.
Anonymous
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11 months, 2 weeks ago (30 minutes after post)
Randomly doing special little things for him will reassure him that you really care for him. It’s especially good if they’re tailored specifically to his personality, so he knows you couldn’t ever do the same for your ex.
Anonymous wrote:
In that case, don’t bring it up. Ever.
When your previous relationship comes up in conversation, is it ever J who brings it up? Or is it always you?
If it’s always you, then just avoiding the topic will work. If he’s the one bitterly mentioning H, he’s going to have to stop.
No, we rarely talk about it. Or rather, never. It’s situations when we watch a movie and they talk about virginity or similar situations occur that he reacts. I don’t talk to or about my ex, I stopped doing that after he asked me not to a month into our relationship.
geekgirl wrote:
ilivelife wrote:
You haven’t done anything wrong.
J will have to come to terms with the fact that he is not your first, I’m afraid, as nothing you do or say will change that fact.
Perhaps if J had just told you he liked you/asked you out earlier, you wouldn’t have got together with H, but that isn’t the case, you didn’t know how he felt, and you found someone else.
I would have thought after 1.5 years J would have been able to move on from this. I think he is over-reacting, and he may have issues that he needs to talk to someone about.
Not very many people end up dating someone who has not been in a relationship before them - we all need to learn to deal with that. Being disgusted with you is not a normal reaction, and if his behaviour doesn’t change you may need to reconsider whether you are happy being with someone who makes you feel guilty abouyt something you have no need to feel guilty about.
He has told me that he had a crush on me for a year before we started dating and it feels like i ripped his heart to pieces during this time.
I am very happy with him and this is not a constant topic or reoccurance. I wouldn’t want to be without him, I just want to know if there’s anything that I can do to make him feel better?
If he had a crush on you for a year - he should have told you!!! You can’t be responsible for him not telling you how he felt at the time. You didn’t ‘rip his heart apart’ - you didn’t deliberately set out to hurt him.
You can’t really do anything to make him feel better, I don’t think. After 1.5 yrs of you being with him, and faithful to him, and showing him how much you care about him, if he is still hung up on your ex, that is his issue that he needs to sort out in his own head.
Anonymous
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11 months, 2 weeks ago (34 minutes after post)
geekgirl wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
geekgirl wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
How old you guys are?
We’re both 19.
Believe me I have been in the exact same situation, only difference is i was at the place of J..I love my girl a lot…as J does it…but even being with her since last 5 years, i hardly can bear the pain when i think abt the other guy (H) and her were together…In the end..i am still with her..and will always be…i have compromised and adjusted myself with the past acknowledging it cant be changed…but it does hurt and u cant control it….
See, I know that it’s not abnormal for him to feel this way. I would probably too if it was the other way around. I can even feel a bit upset when I think of girls he might have made out with while I was in a relationship with my ex. I just want to know if I can do anything to make him think about it less or make it hurt less… :(
I think all you can do is acknowledge that its a past now..Its not in your hand to change what is already done..but u can still make things better in present and future…Anyway dont think its ur fault, somethings just happen without intentions…Stop thinking like ” how it WUD HAVE BEEN “. You still have him in your life and you have to do the best with what you have now…Remember you cant change the past, but u sure can paste some nice moments onto ur past so that it fades away slowly…Give some time to ur relation, I am sure there will be a day when the past will look very little in front of the present. Good luck…
Anonymous wrote:
Randomly doing special little things for him will reassure him that you really care for him. It’s especially good if they’re tailored specifically to his personality, so he knows you couldn’t ever do the same for your ex.
I try to do little things for him and showing my affection towards him in different ways. I guess I’m simply going to have to wait for it to get better. It has improved until now, I just don’t want to see him like that… ever! :/
Okay thanks you guys, I feel more in control now. Thanks for your advice and I hope that we he will be okay with it in the future.
xoxo, the girl who feels a lot better :)
Anonymous
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11 months, 2 weeks ago (40 minutes after post)
Best of luck! I really appreciate posters who reply to individual replies one by one, so thank you for that. :D
everyone has history, he has to deal with that, my ex was like that, he hated that id been with a guy yet he had been with so many girls and even married with 2 kids before me. past is past, youre together now, he should be happy with that and learn that if he likes a girl he should make a move before someone else does
weird0n
ilivelife
Hazel_LeSquirrel
Siren