This post left anonymously
I don’t expect you to read all of it…
My name’s Matt. I am a 25 year old wannabe from Las Vegas, Nevada. Just like you I too had hopes and dreams that I so wanted to follow but unlike you, I gave up on mine. The common phrase,”it’s never to late.” seems to only apply to those who are willing to keep at it but when life’s got you down you kind of just… give up.
I think really it began this past February when I was invited to Oregon to stay with my so called brother and his girlfriend for a job they had offered me. Even before I left, I was in the same place that I am in now which is Vegas and my father was telling me that I shouldn’t go and that if I left that I was not welcome back. He considered the fact that I was there as part of his fatherly duty and that it would be fulfilled once I had left.
All this time, I thought I knew what I was doing but in reality…was setting myself up for disaster. In all of two months, I had been extorted, verbally and mentally abused, scammed and threatened, promised and lied to and out of all that I ended up back where I came from. Truth be told, when I don’t have anywhere to go…this is where I end up and it happens every time. I feel like that show where that guy goes around trying to get forgiveness from all the people he’s wrong in the past and I keep asking forgiveness for things I didn’t do.
Why did I lend him money and expect to get paid back?
Why did I let him threaten me?
Why did I come back?
Why can’t I make real friends?
Why can’t I know what true love is?
Why do I feel the way I do?
I say wannabe because I was at one time or another so full of life. I wanted to be this and do this and go here to see that and taste this but I just lost my soul or my representation of my soul. I was talking to my brother today and his words hit me pretty deep. They weren’t anything unusual but he said,”I want you to step outside your comfort zone.” All these years…that’s all my life has been and that’s all I have been doing is stepping outside my comfort zone. Everything is so uncomfortable I don’t know what comfort is.
I feel so torn and lonely…and I am sick of people mocking me saying,”Poor me, blah blah…suck it up.” Lest you forget it was me at one point or another lending you that shoulder to cry on when that certain someone left you or you got hurt, etc. I’ve never wanted to hurt or hate anyone in my entire life but I finally have come to a point where I just hate one person for turning me into something I just want to hurt…
Why did I let myself become this way… why couldn’t I just be a prick? Pricks don’t get walked on! Nice guys finish last? When did nice guys even come into the equation?! Life is a lie and I have never wanted to be less involved in it more than now… I am so ******* lonely and the worst part is…Even lonely has 2 syllables.
I’m tired of hurting… I want a cure that doesn’t involve a chain reaction of guilt to others or others to be hurt. I just want something I don’t even know exists nor do I know what it is but what “it is” I want it so bad and no one even wants to share it with me. Even when you have excess of it.
I am not looking for pity but more like an understanding of why I feel the way I do because someone out there has to understand this in someway even if it’s their own way… someone convince me that I have something left to fight for…please?
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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