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So, I think I’m depressed, but I’m not sure.
I’m almost 16, female, and I’m pretty overweight. My dad passed away when I was 12 and when I was a young child my mother almost died of cancer. I’ve been bullied ever since kindergarten, and I’m just not ever happy anymore.
I’m a singer and an actress, but I can’t bear to watch myself or listen to myself. If I do, I start crying and just get sent into this state of horrible sadness for half a week. I can’t even look in the mirror without wanting to punch the mirror and then myself because I hate myself so much. I used to be happy when I performed, but the “high” I got off of that doesn’t happen anymore. I also used to feel good about being an individual, but this one girl copies literally EVERYTHING I do and say, which adds to my sadness. I can’t be happy from playing the video games I love anymore because of her. I never really had friends until high school, but now I have a few. The problem is that I cannot bring myself to believe that they truly are my friends and they want to be my friends. Whenever they hang out with me, I always think “they’re just hanging out with me because they’re too nice.” and when they don’t, I think “oh my god they hate me I’ve been lied to this whole time.” I love them all and would move mountains for them, and they try to convince me it’s the same, but I just can’t believe it. The only way I get happiness is from watching the videos of one YouTube channel. It’s like a drug to me. I’m so addicted that sometimes I’ll sit down and reload their channel for 15 minutes waiting for a new video to come out.
Whatever all of this is is affecting my ability to do work. I just go to sleep because I cant deal with existing and end up not doing any homework. Then the teachers get mad at me which makes me feel worse. Then the cycle repeats and I dig myself into a deeper hole. It’s so bad that I have 5 final projects that were due in the last two weeks that I haven’t even started. I don have the motivation to do anything.
Can anyone tell me if this is depression and how to help me, whether it is or not. I really need help.
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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