Family help: I was sort of hoping someone could give me some advice. - Help.com

maybe you should just meet him personally and save yourself the anxiety of wondering if he receives the mail or not and etc.

Well, I would like to do that. However, he lives in another state (that is, if the address I have is correct). I don’t want to just show up at his doorstep.

Anonymous wrote:
Well, I would like to do that. However, he lives in another state (that is, if the address I have is correct). I don’t want to just show up at his doorstep.

so you’re not sure if you have the right address to mail your letter in the first place, do you?

no

in that case i would trully suggest that you make sure you have the correct address. it would be awkward to be sending this kinda letter to the wrong person. better if you can get a phone number, then you can talk to him and probably set a meeting.

This is true, thanks!

I would seek some professional advice. It can be traumatic to both parties to have any contact. He knew you existed and probably knew you did not know. I would ask your mother about the relationship to find out why he was not with her and also try to find out other information you can about him online, if possible. You will also have to question what is it you want out of this. What are your expectations? Do you want a friendship? Do you want him to be a close person in your life? Financial support, information regarding your genetic illness risks etc? Some or all of the above? Don’t answer to me, answer to yourself because he is going to be late 40s plus and not expecting all of this right now. And you have to also deal with the fact that he may not want you in his life and then feel rejection. If he knew you existed, why didn’t he provided for your education etc.? Also think about how your real father is feeling, not the biological/genetic one but the real one who gave you LOVE who was with you growing up and who you bonded with and who really loves you. Is this breaking his heart? Does he perceive you doing this as an indication he was not a good father? Tell him how you feel and do everthing to mantain his happiness whilst you pursue this. He will be the real grandfather of your children.

There are a lot of personal issues and many people could get hurt so think about all of them and most of all, your own feelings. I would suggest seeking professional advice or hooking up with someone who has been on this journey, to help you think it through and provide support whatever the outcome. You may have romantic ideas about him. He may not be all that. Whatever you do and the outcome. Remember your dad IS your dad. I hope you still call him dad because he is the only dad you have ever really had. I wish you well. And good luck!

I would send him a short handwritten letter or (enveloped) card, telling him that you have heard recently about him, and that you would love to meet him in person (if you really feel so!). Then just wait for his answer first.

I think you owe a lot to the man who raised you- your real dad in the only way it counts, so I wouldn’t do anything that would hurt his feelings.

I recognize that my real dad who raised me, is the one who should count the most under normal circumstances. Although he raised me, (providede for me financially) he really never had a relationship with me either. Now that I am grown and my parents are divorced, he has nothing to do with me anyhow. As far as hurting his feelings, I’m not sure he cares. I don’t have any fantasies about my biological father, I am only wanting to see what he and his family are like.

Then I’d do what Zirbel suggested.

Whatever you decide to do, go through it with someone you love and feel safe with, even meeting with him. Good luck on your journey.