Thought help: Could it be that I’m looking at this all wrong?

Dfeeds

Could it be that I’m looking at this all wrong?

I’ve always viewed it as me being the victim. Her actions towards me were all supposed retaliations to something that I wasn’t actually doing (rumors, liars, etc. to keep it short).

She tried to break the ice recently, and begin talking again. Once upon a time we were very close, and very important to the other. However she took a joke I made wrong, thought I was trying to attack her personally, and pulled back (again).

I didn’t do much because I always figured that she’s the one instigating everything so if anything would be “fixed” it would have to be on her end. However, after a brief incident, I started to look at things differently. Seeing it as her believing she really is retaliating to some harmful action I’m instigating towards her. If that’s the case, then she may very well feel that every time she drops her guard to me, I take a shot.

Could this be it? This whole time I’ve been so confused and unable to pinpoint her feelings towards me, when it could really be as simple as her feeling like a victim towards someone she felt she could trust.

If this is the case, how can I handle this? She won’t even look at me anymore, and I’m afraid that saying sorry might just come across as condescending.

This closed post was written 12 months ago | V/U/S: 400, 6, 5 | Edit Post | Report Post

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Since writing this post Dfeeds may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. Dfeeds is a verified member, has been around for 2 years, 10 months and has 102 posts and 137 replies to their name.

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differently, Every Time, Incident, feelings, anymore, Thought, Feeling, Handle, simple, Action (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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Anonymous #
12 months ago (5 minutes after post)

Tell her exactly what you told us here, show her that you’ve learnt your lesson and opened your mind, she will appreciate that you’ve made the effort to think about and resolve this, tell her that you are sorry and you are willing to try to resolve this with her, because at the end of the day, a relationship is always a 2 person job.

monkichirmo 1 #
An Unknown Location | 12 months ago (7 minutes after post)

the fact is it’s not always about you and others are people too. you never know what anyone else is thinking/feeling no matter how well you claim to know them, you DON’T KNOW. even if they tell you one thing they may very well be thinking/feeling something else, not to say everyone’s a liar(all tho technically yes) but sometimes it’s those little white lies you use as not to hurt someone else’s feelings for example, or for the sake of not sounding rude etc. anyway, yes i think it can be fixed. give it time and send your apology. after that the ball is on their court and take it from there. don’t assume anything.

Help me with: I think my sister deserves better than her fiance.

AzKat 2 #
An Undisclosed Location | 12 months ago (38 minutes after post)

Whatever else you do, don’t give up yourself to keep the relationship. If she feels she can’t trust you, and if you are only being who you truly are, then the problem lies within her and not you.

You didn’t say what the ‘joke’ was that made her pull back. If your sense of humor is at question, you have to decide whether it’s worth keeping.

Good luck with your sensitive lady.

Help me with: Can’t we all just get along?

verge 134 #
An Unknown Location | 12 months ago (1 hour, 2 minutes after post)

It might be the case. You might be extraordinarily tactless and not even know it, but maybe she should have learned that about you.

Help me with: What if we knew that we were good?

Dfeeds 1 #
An Unknown Location | 12 months ago (1 hour, 16 minutes after post)

I’m very well aware that I don’t know what she’s thinking. If I did then this wouldn’t be a question I’d be asking. That seems like a contradictory statement though, saying to apologize but not assume anything. If this is not what she’s thinking, then wouldn’t I just look self serving in apologizing for… nothing?

AzKat wrote:
You didn’t say what the ‘joke’ was that made her pull back. If your sense of humor is at question, you have to decide whether it’s worth keeping.

I made fun of her favorite sports team after she lost a bet with my friend on who would win. She got very defensive towards me and made a bit of a scene. I later found out it was because she thought I was trying to target anything she likes as a means target her personally. “Sensitive lady” is putting it rather mildly haha.

verge wrote:
It might be the case. You might be extraordinarily tactless and not even know it, but maybe she should have learned that about you.

I’m not tactless, that I know. I may be stubborn and sometimes arrogant but I am aware of her feelings. I can’t help the fact that I’m being accused of making some personal attacks on her that I did not, nor ever would, commit. That’s just what happens when you have a loose circle of friends and no one can mind their own business.

That all being said, is there some way I can be more subtle in apologizing to her? In respect towards the sensitivity of everything.

Oh and thanks everyone for reading this and answering! You all have brought up some very good points and I appreciate the effort (and hopefully continued) to help me resolve this.

Help me with: Why is it that..?

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Could it be that I’m looking at this all wrong?

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