This post left anonymously
Am I ending my marriage with this?
letter to my husband:
I am writing to you this way because I don’t trust myself not to chicken out when we are face to face. You know what I wanted this morning, (don’t lie to me and say no, you ask me to know things that you haven’t talked to me about, and now I am expecting the same thing too). Do you know how long it’s been since you’ve touched me that way? I don’t want it when I am frantic anymore and I know that is the only time that you give it to me, when I am on the verge of breaking. You pretend to be oblivious, but you are not, you know that I need sex more often than we have been doing it. I am not willing to adjust to this anymore. I am too unhappy. I have compromised on this for years because I though I was making you happy by accepting that I am just not a turn on for you anymore. Its a sham, its making me resent you and I know you don’t want that.
Yes, I know that I am not perfect either. I know that this house needs to be cleaned. I am overwhelmed by it most of the time, and I know that I can’t ask for help and that is ok (even though it should not be). There are so many other things that I am not happy about, but again we never talk or if we do try, we are constantly fighting and I know it goes both ways but you don’t know how to communicate in a way that I can understand. I am not you and I don’t want to be you. I am sorry if that upsets you.
I need time and space and I want to go away for a week in October and I want to have free reign and not be pestered into answering dozens of questions. I don’t ask you about the Shaman or your photography trips and I am not going to start now and I want you to do the same with me. I am going to New Orleans, because it’s a place I have always wanted to visit. I will be going alone and you are just going to have to cope (just like I cope when you go away) and when I come back, I will know some things and we will talk. At this point, I don’t know what it means for the future, I just know I have to do this, for me.
he won’t change, he thinks he is perfect. i have tried to start talking about the things that i am unhappy with but he either fights me (out of defensiveness) or tells me that its my issue because he is satisfied with the status quot. He refuses to see a marriage counselor, and almost got hysterical when i went to his priest wanting to set up an appointment for us (he cancelled the appointment). i have even told him that i was thinking of ending my own life because of how unhappy i am, he told me that i being selfish and that i should just snap out of it (he doesn’t believe that depression is an illness either, but that is another topic). i don’t know what to do anymore. i have buried everything and i know that i am either going to snap and lose it or just run away because i am feeling trapped.
I have tried to make an effort to engage in activities that I know he enjoys doing. I have suppressed my own likes and hobbies because (for the most part) all of them annoy him. The things we used to do together, he is no longer interested in (we used to have dinner parties at home with friends, we used to go to the theatre, we used to watch movies together and cook and do the things that “normal” couples do. He has lost interest in all of those things and I am not into sports photography or communing with nature (he likes rough camping….intense survival sessions with minimal equipment and no comforts at all).
i don’t know what i want anymore, i feel numb.
do you know how many of these “letters” i have written and just never gave them to him? dozens
do you know what will probably happen to this letter? nothing. i will likely have it on my computer (and unless he logs into my account…..which he has never done before) it will never be seen by him.
he has Vicodin and every day my will is disappearing. i don’t know what will happen tomorrow or the day after or even the day after that. i just know that i feel numb, that is my only certainty right now.
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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