I think, I know what you are feeling.
When we put someone to the very center of our lives, when we make all our dreams based on this person, we collapse when this person just leave and find another without feeling any guilt. it leaves a big blank space. it seems the time spent together wasted, and now it is too late for a new beginning.
Do you feel like that?
And of course there should be, hate and desire for revenge…
I can totally understand your situation and mood. It seems that we both shared the same experience to some extent. And I do agree with what Rick said.
No more words are needed, and I don’t think you can get over this memory by only turning to others for help.
We Chinese have an old proverb: It’s better for the doer to undo what he has done.
Bless U!
RickRaven wrote:
I think, I know what you are feeling.
When we put someone to the very center of our lives, when we make all our dreams based on this person, we collapse when this person just leave and find another without feeling any guilt. it leaves a big blank space. it seems the time spent together wasted, and now it is too late for a new beginning.
Do you feel like that?
Oh my God, just exactly like that…. :(((
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maxweller wrote:
I can totally understand your situation and mood. It seems that we both shared the same experience to some extent. And I do agree with what Rick said.
No more words are needed, and I don’t think you can get over this memory by only turning to others for help.
We Chinese have an old proverb: It’s better for the doer to undo what he has done.
Bless U!
ehh I cant understand that proverb (english is not my native language) :/
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aaj55 wrote:
maxweller wrote:
I can totally understand your situation and mood. It seems that we both shared the same experience to some extent. And I do agree with what Rick said.
No more words are needed, and I don’t think you can get over this memory by only turning to others for help.
We Chinese have an old proverb: It’s better for the doer to undo what he has done.
Bless U!
ehh I cant understand that proverb (english is not my native language) :/
Ok I get it now, but I dont think my ex in undoing anything. He just doesnt care and apparently never did in the last years of our relationship. So what can *I* do to move on and feel better without my ex doing (or undoing) anything?
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The truth is, you do not really want him back, just as I didn’t really want her back. I was just suffering with my hate, and with that hate i couldn’t focus on things i should do. My life hit the bottom, i was sleeping during days, and staying awake during nights in front of computer. everything was going bad in my life, and i was blaming her for all of them.
after 3 years, she called. she asked me if i still blame and swear her. at first i got angry but then i calmed down. anyway, after our talk i have realized that, the only thing which made me suffer is my pride. I just let it go. And i realized that, she is not the only one who made mistakes. I also was very controlling on her, i also made mistakes.
It will not be easy. But the only thing which end your suffering is forgiveness.
You have to forgive.
I am not christian but I love the teachings of Jesus. In fact I love and understand him more than christians.
You can look at his teachings for salvation. “Turn the other cheek”, “Do not judge others”, “Love your enemies”…
That is the only way to end suffering: forgive him and let him go. He is not yours, nobody is yours. Sooner or later we will leave everything we think we have. So it is better not to own anything, and not being attached to anything.
You are the center of the life. Find your true “Self”.
The right thing to do is moving on too m sorry but is the hard truth.
Anonymous
#
10 months, 3 weeks ago (1 hour, 23 minutes after post)
you can thank your lucky stars that you didn’t marry him only to find out he’s had a girlfriend or two on the side before and during your marriage, and that he can’t be trusted to be faithful, and you are not stuck with all the bills, and things bought for him that are in your name that you are now responsible to pay for in order not to ruin your already ruined credit score - you probably carry that look of sad desolation that is like the smell of bug spray. Pick yourself up, get back into your activities, find some new activities like free concerts, art gallery openings or whatever it is you like and get a real smile and spirit going on to your next adventure. Finding a good decent honest and true guy is a needle in a haystack but, you could get lucky ~ and then you could run into 3 more bad apples,,, in other words, get busy living and forgetabouthim, don’t waste 4 years like i did, geez i regret that
Just remind yourself, “whatever happened, happened for a reason” and it couldn’t be otherwise. He had his own reasons, you had your own reasons. His reasons may not be logical or moral. But still they were exist for him, so he act according to his reasons.
And you also act according to your own reasons. We make our decisions based on reasons. The problem is, different persons, have different reasons. His reasons, could be illogical, immoral, wrong, for you. Just look at the bigger picture. Life is going on, and you are a miraculous being in the middle of it. You are the source of the love.
Just focus on big picture. You will take lessons from your past relationship on the long term, and next time, you will not do the same mistakes, you will be more careful, you will put someone in the middle of your life, and your decisions will be more mature.
He, also going to take his own lessons, sooner or later. But you should not be depend on this. Let him to himself. It is not your business.
Life is much more than “a guy”. There are too much things to explore and discover. Focus on life, and see it as a gift given to you.
Just remind yourself, everybody acts according to reasons, and it is better to be forgiving towards others. And forgiving is easy when you do not “own” things.
RickRaven wrote:
The truth is, you do not really want him back, just as I didn’t really want her back. I was just suffering with my hate, and with that hate i couldn’t focus on things i should do. My life hit the bottom, i was sleeping during days, and staying awake during nights in front of computer. everything was going bad in my life, and i was blaming her for all of them.
after 3 years, she called. she asked me if i still blame and swear her. at first i got angry but then i calmed down. anyway, after our talk i have realized that, the only thing which made me suffer is my pride. I just let it go. And i realized that, she is not the only one who made mistakes. I also was very controlling on her, i also made mistakes.
It will not be easy. But the only thing which end your suffering is forgiveness.
You have to forgive.
I am not christian but I love the teachings of Jesus. In fact I love and understand him more than christians.
You can look at his teachings for salvation. “Turn the other cheek”, “Do not judge others”, “Love your enemies”…
That is the only way to end suffering: forgive him and let him go. He is not yours, nobody is yours. Sooner or later we will leave everything we think we have. So it is better not to own anything, and not being attached to anything.
You are the center of the life. Find your true “Self”.
I agree with everything you say excpet “not being attached to anything” that is something very bitter. It is ncice to be attatched, but in a healthy way. I reckon he was the center of my life, because I didnt have “love sources” in my life except for his so I was not only attatched but dependant of him, and when he left me i felt my life ended.
I got a new job now, I live by myself (in the same place we used to live), have my dog, some friends, few family, btu still that hole inside me… like I just cannot be happy being just by myself, even when I am happy with what I got. I still need a significant one, someone to count on, somoene to make me company, to share things….
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zeebawa101 wrote:
The right thing to do is moving on too m sorry but is the hard truth.
sorry but duh… thats what the whole post is about. Thing I am wondering is HOW.
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Anonymous wrote:
you can thank your lucky stars that you didn’t marry him only to find out he’s had a girlfriend or two on the side before and during your marriage, and that he can’t be trusted to be faithful, and you are not stuck with all the bills, and things bought for him that are in your name that you are now responsible to pay for in order not to ruin your already ruined credit score - you probably carry that look of sad desolation that is like the smell of bug spray. Pick yourself up, get back into your activities, find some new activities like free concerts, art gallery openings or whatever it is you like and get a real smile and spirit going on to your next adventure. Finding a good decent honest and true guy is a needle in a haystack but, you could get lucky ~ and then you could run into 3 more bad apples,,, in other words, get busy living and forgetabouthim, don’t waste 4 years like i did, geez i regret that
Hum, I think you should be the one posting on help.com instead of giving advices (your post made me depressed)
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RickRaven wrote:
Just remind yourself, “whatever happened, happened for a reason” and it couldn’t be otherwise. He had his own reasons, you had your own reasons. His reasons may not be logical or moral. But still they were exist for him, so he act according to his reasons.
And you also act according to your own reasons. We make our decisions based on reasons. The problem is, different persons, have different reasons. His reasons, could be illogical, immoral, wrong, for you. Just look at the bigger picture. Life is going on, and you are a miraculous being in the middle of it. You are the source of the love.
Just focus on big picture. You will take lessons from your past relationship on the long term, and next time, you will not do the same mistakes, you will be more careful, you will put someone in the middle of your life, and your decisions will be more mature.
He, also going to take his own lessons, sooner or later. But you should not be depend on this. Let him to himself. It is not your business.
Life is much more than “a guy”. There are too much things to explore and discover. Focus on life, and see it as a gift given to you.
Just remind yourself, everybody acts according to reasons, and it is better to be forgiving towards others. And forgiving is easy when you do not “own” things.
Thanks your reply is quite hopeful :) I think I forgave him 80% , at least now I dont want him to suffer like i did months ago. I want him to be well, even with his new girlfriend and their new dog. But I feel sad for myself, why couldnt I find anyone yet and it seems I never will. I am almost 30 and lonely, all my friends are living the quiet life, I feel I dont belong in my own situation.
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I am also almost 30 and alone. That doesn’t mean anything. I am not in a hurry.
All you need to do, is being more social, and meet new people. If you really need for a company and if you feel you are ready for this, i am sure there would be a online dating site for your country. You can join such a site, and meet new people online.
But I suggest you to enjoy being alone for sometime. That way you can put things in your life in an order, then you can look for a new relationship.
Jumping from a relationship to another, is not necessarily good. It is good to take a break and enjoying being alone. Otherwise, you can again become dependent on someone else.
Yeah I agree, but its been a year since Ive been single, im not jumping from a relationship to another, I just seem to fail at the few dates I had. I wonder when will be the right time for me to fall in love, if I ever do that….
I think I already took a break and “enjoyed” being single, but a whole year has passed, its winter again and I remain lonely. How long will I have to be like this, its getting harder and harder everday
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It is only a matter of socializing. If you have a full time job, and if you spend most of time for work, you need to create a new social medium. As I said, online dating sites are one of the options. Other than that you can join a dancing course or gym, or a club of your interest. Just change your life style a little bit.
Ive been trying to do that (changed my job, im taking drawing classes and im going to the gym) i suppose i need to do even more things. Thanks
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aaj55 wrote:
aaj55 wrote:
maxweller wrote:
I can totally understand your situation and mood. It seems that we both shared the same experience to some extent. And I do agree with what Rick said.
No more words are needed, and I don’t think you can get over this memory by only turning to others for help.
We Chinese have an old proverb: It’s better for the doer to undo what he has done.
Bless U!
ehh I cant understand that proverb (english is not my native language) :/
Ok I get it now, but I dont think my ex in undoing anything. He just doesnt care and apparently never did in the last years of our relationship. So what can *I* do to move on and feel better without my ex doing (or undoing) anything?
Well i’m sure you didn’t get it. ^-^
This proverb means you are the only one on whom you can really and thoroughly count.
Maybe we could “know” your situation by listening what you said but it’s pretty hard for us to really “realize” it. Many people have similar experience but none of them are the s-a-m-e. You are the savior of yourself.
In terms of methods of getting over the bad mood, do something you’re interested in and make yourself busy (works, books, sports, shoppings, computers, parties, etc.), if you don’t have some, then develop several hobbies. You’d better participate in some activities with your friends, and as i said before, we don’t know your personal situation entirely so those are just general suggestions and you decide.
It’s been a year, and i think you could begin a new relationship with someone. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful. Losing you was his loss, don’t torment yourself any more. Let everything go by. Time will be the best medcine. Finally, you’ll find your Mr.right, do not be entangled with the past ’cause you’ll miss some right person, maybe he is just by your side.
PS: it seems that you want to post your messages anonymously, but your reply revealed your id…. @_@
how do you know what’s going on in his life? quit spying on him. i’m sure he doesn’t keep tabs on you.
OP the same happened to me just about a year ago, I so understand your pain. But everything pass. I am sure your ex didnt deserve you. If you care about someone, even if you want break up you dont treat them like crap.
a wild ozy appears wrote:
how do you know what’s going on in his life? quit spying on him. i’m sure he doesn’t keep tabs on you.
How do you know she was spying on him?? Thats so rude of you. Sometime I find out things of my ex, even when I deleted him from everywhere, but if you share friends and places one way or another you just find out. I wonder why people like you go to help.com to reply unhelpful stuff like that.
liendr wrote:
How do you know she was spying on him?? Thats so rude of you.
the OP can speak for herself, thank you very much. i wasn’t talking to you.
a wild ozy appears wrote:
liendr wrote:
How do you know she was spying on him?? Thats so rude of you.
the OP can speak for herself, thank you very much. i wasn’t talking to you.
Im so tired of some passive aggressive people.
If you dont have anything positive to say, shut up. Thank you very much.
liendr, i’m not passive aggressive, i’m telling you to shut up. my advice is for the OP, not you. stop being a drama queen.
i’ve been at hep.com for 5 years, and i speak from my own observations that more often then not, when a woman is complaining about not being able to move on when they know their ex now has a hot girlfriend, has a dog, is buying a new house, got that job, etc., it’s because they’re still friends on facebook, or can’t help but ask about their ex, or are even still friends with their ex and try to be “just a girl friend”. as this is usually the case, i usually respond to some complaints by stating the obvious, that your ex’s life is none of your business. it has nothing to do with you, it has nothing to do with your status in life, and you should not be checking up on it in any way.
it seems like insulting other advice-givers makes you feel like a hero. you’re not. you’re just annoying and interfering. stop it.
OP asks for help. Your reply is:
“how do you know what’s going on in his life? quit spying on him. i’m sure he doesn’t keep tabs on you. “
Lets analyze that:
“how do you know what’s going on in his life?” - Fair question.
“quit spying on him.” - That’s not a question anymore. Thats an ORDER and an ACCUSATION, when you have no idea how she found that out.
“i’m sure he doesn’t keep tabs on you.” - Now you make her feel bad, even if she wasn’t spying on him, you’re rubbing on her face her ex boyfriend doesn’t care about her anymore (something she already knows). You’re just making her feel bad. Your answer was useless and cruel and that’s aggressive. The passive part comes from you replying on a “help” forum.
all she has to do is reply to my response and we can have a conversation about what’s really going on. it’s been a year and she’s done all the tricks, but she has mentioned nothing about cutting all contact with him. assuming it’s not a problem as just as unhelpful as you claim i am. i have helped many, many people on this site, and just because you don’t agree doesn’t make me wrong, or give you the right to insult other users here. if the OP has a problem with my response, she will tell me herself. now quit hijacking this thread for your white-knighting purposes.
Im not saying you are useless, just your answer on this thread. If you have helped many in the past I am glad.
RickRaven
maxwell
aaj55
zeebawa101
Zirbel
Dr. Ozy
liendr