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swordsareshin changed the tags on this post: they were "Christianity, Independence, depression, Punishment, Right Now, Situation, christian, Potential, Right Now, Physical" 10 months, 4 weeks ago.
swordsareshin changed the tags on this post: they were "Independence, depression, moving out, Emotional abuse, parents" 10 months, 4 weeks ago.
swordsareshin changed the tags on this post: they were "Independence, Agnostic, intolerant, Christianity, depression, moving out, Emotional abuse, religion, parents" 10 months, 4 weeks ago.
swordsareshin changed the tags on this post: they were "Independence, intolerant, Christianity, depression, moving out, Emotional abuse, religion, parents" 10 months, 4 weeks ago.
I know this is probably not what you want to hear, but I think you’ll have to bite the bullet and just take what you can. It sucks, but you’ll honestly find genuinely nice people wherever you go. Just because you’d be going to a Christian house doesn’t mean everybody is a Jesus freak. In fact, they might be kids in similar situations. I’m friends with someone who’s parents coerced him into going to a Christian college, and even though it’s not what he wanted (He had to scan into church twice a week) he still made friends, and it was in all, the better decision. I’m sorry that your family isn’t what you wanted, but every family does have problems and in the end, they’re just trying to do what’s best for you.
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Maybe you should get a room mate…it would cut back on cost. Definitely get someone u trust. As far as your parents just tell them how u feel & u need to be more independent by moving out. They probably won’t agree at first but, once your out im sure they will understand. Hope everything works out…
suspendedandope: If all else fails, I’ll have to settle with the rooming house, but I’ll at least put up some fight against it. I can’t imagine myself going back to Christianity, so I’ll have a fun time trying to go around lying about myself and/or the rooming house students about it (the agreements to sign pretty much entails that you be a serious follower getting further into study of the bible), but at least it might be better than being with my parents.
nina.k.p.0: Looking for one will be tough, though I will see if there are any postings for people needing roommates. Unfortunately, the only people I’ve gotten to know have already signed a lease for the next year. :(
are you considered an adult? if you’re not dependent on your parents for anything then why do you ‘need’ their approval(granted their blessing would be ideal i suppose)? at this boarding house, if you break it down and tell them you won’t have time for any of their meetings(which is understandable w/ jobs + school) and they’re still willing to ‘accept’ you, i don’t see why you can’t use this as a stepping stone to being completely free. you don’t need to lie to anyone, unless you choose to. if you have such a problem with the agreement to study the bible(or whatever) then tell them before signing and if they reject then ta-da! wish granted…won’t be an option for you anymore.
i second roomates, unless you’re moving out this very second ppl post adds every hr of the day. why don’t you post one and see what happens.
Hi,
A someone who has suffered severe depression and had forced myself to hide it form loved ones, I know how really exhausting it is. I do feel moving out would be a good thing for you, living your life on your terms and not having to hide your condition while making steps to improve it will be extremely liberating. However, I feel that to make this worthwhile you should be true to yourself and not move into this Christian household. There are plenty of housing opportunities for students to share cheap accommodation together, that is what I did. I moved out when I was 17, and sometimes it was tough, but it was worth it and I owe my sanity to it. It doesn’t have to be people you know, I for example used gumtree - visit a few places and meet people like you, you will be surprised how much a good environment can help. Please don’t live your life for your parents, and do what you need to. You are an adult and you no longer need their approval on things, you should live life how you want it, it can be tough but much more healthy and rewarding.
Thanks for the advice, I will re-direct most of my searching from places to roommates for now, I can see more potential going down that route. Granted that goes well, all I’ll need then is to convince them why not choose the Christian house, when they think the people there would be more trustworthy than people they don’t otherwise know, from a roommate search.
I’m incredibly exhausted, I hadn’t thought of that as a way to describe it before. I wonder where I find the energy to get from one day to the next.
At the very least, there is a new angle that didn’t cross my mind before, so thanks for that.
I think the main thing you need to start thinking is that you DON’T have to convince them, you are 20 years old and now are in control of your own life. And of course you try to make everyone you love happy if possible, but inevitably you are going to have to do things they may not agree with, That’s life, it’s part of growing up and forming an identity for yourself.
I suppose I just don’t want to have to go much farther than simply tell them I wish to be more independent as a 20 year old.
I’ve come this far with letting them think I’m a well-adjusted, depression-free Christian the way they want me to be, and I fear that if any part of that failed now, all that work would be for naught, and they wouldn’t trust me to leave the house anymore. I don’t trust them to let me make my own choices, I don’t want to get yelled at anymore - after all, I basically have lied to them for the past year. I can’t keep it up forever, I’ll tell the truth to them one day, but while I’m in this predicament, while I’m still living with them hoping to move out, I feel it would be an extremely inopportune time to come clean about it now.
Considering I was about 18-19 when I had the religious falling-out with them (When I was still generally Christian!), both of them yelled at me, guilt-ed me about everything, telling me I’m always wrong, my father threatened to hurt me, and they attempted to forcefully “convert me”. I wouldn’t say it’s too far off for them to try something even worse now that I’m 20, considering I’m not even Christian in any sense of the word and I’ve told them for a whole year I am. One day. But not today.
If I told them I was depressed, it would be a similar dynamic, though a lot of it is caused by being in this house, they would judge me as unstable and even moreso not let me make any decisions for myself. What could I do, knock them out so I can make all these decisions and pack my bags without them noticing?
I apologize. I’m sure these are irrational personal issues, but I’m too scared of my parents to confront them. I need some kind of strategy to avoid jeopardizing any progress thus far.
Just some info you may not have been aware of.
The United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights, Article 18 states:
“Everyone has the right to freedom of thought, conscience and religion; this right includes freedom to change his religion or belief, and freedom, either alone or in community with others and in public or private, to manifest his religion or belief in teaching, practice, worship and observance.”
Your parents are effectively guilty of breeching your human rights. I’m not sure what the legal repercussions of this are.
But it might be something to change their minds. That the freedoms your country is privy to also include freedom to practice your own religion, and by preventing you from doing so, they’re acting out against freedom.
swordsareshin wrote:
I suppose I just don’t want to have to go much farther than simply tell them I wish to be more independent as a 20 year old.
I’ve come this far with letting them think I’m a well-adjusted, depression-free Christian the way they want me to be, and I fear that if any part of that failed now, all that work would be for naught, and they wouldn’t trust me to leave the house anymore. I don’t trust them to let me make my own choices, I don’t want to get yelled at anymore - after all, I basically have lied to them for the past year. I can’t keep it up forever, I’ll tell the truth to them one day, but while I’m in this predicament, while I’m still living with them hoping to move out, I feel it would be an extremely inopportune time to come clean about it now.
Considering I was about 18-19 when I had the religious falling-out with them (When I was still generally Christian!), both of them yelled at me, guilt-ed me about everything, telling me I’m always wrong, my father threatened to hurt me, and they attempted to forcefully “convert me”. I wouldn’t say it’s too far off for them to try something even worse now that I’m 20, considering I’m not even Christian in any sense of the word and I’ve told them for a whole year I am. One day. But not today.
If I told them I was depressed, it would be a similar dynamic, though a lot of it is caused by being in this house, they would judge me as unstable and even moreso not let me make any decisions for myself. What could I do, knock them out so I can make all these decisions and pack my bags without them noticing?
I apologize. I’m sure these are irrational personal issues, but I’m too scared of my parents to confront them. I need some kind of strategy to avoid jeopardizing any progress thus far.
Gosh, I never meant you to think I was saying that you should tell them your real beliefs, that’s your own personal decision. But I was pointing out that you can make your own decisions from now without thinking first what they would think. For example, moving into a house share, that need not be a renouncement of faith. I have many Christian friends who COULD have lived in communities that you described, but didn’t, and they WE’RE Christian! But the point was, they may not like it, and that’s OK as its your life. But I never meant to insinuate that you go against what you had previously told them.
You’re 20, its time to move out anyway, don’t you think it would be nice if you could live around people who you can be yourself around, especially since as it’s not time to tell your parents?
Crumpet♡Strumpet wrote:
Gosh, I never meant you to think I was saying that you should tell them your real beliefs, that’s your own personal decision. But I was pointing out that you can make your own decisions from now without thinking first what they would think. For example, moving into a house share, that need not be a renouncement of faith. I have many Christian friends who COULD have lived in communities that you described, but didn’t, and they WE’RE Christian! But the point was, they may not like it, and that’s OK as its your life. But I never meant to insinuate that you go against what you had previously told them.
You’re 20, its time to move out anyway, don’t you think it would be nice if you could live around people who you can be yourself around, especially since as it’s not time to tell your parents?
I’m sorry, I had a feeling I was misunderstanding what you said.
I think I see what you’re saying. I will be clear to myself that when I move out, I will make my decisions regardless of what they may think - I’ll probably be reluctant to even tell them I made any decisions, if I talk to them at all. I really can’t freaking wait to be out of this house for good, I don’t care if I have to work a lot for it. My depression would certainly be weakened, and I could finally take care of other psychological issues that I hadn’t had a chance previously to deal with. Being able to live in an environment where I’m not on guard… I’m not the most optimistic person, but it’s that very hope that is my reason for living right now. Otherwise, I’d probably jump off a cliff somewhere obscure. I’m not sure how I’ll manage if I have to have another year of this. I know a potential roommate for the year AFTER this upcoming one, but I don’t know if I can mentally handle one more year.
I’m probably still misunderstanding something a bit, though. If I were to join the Christian house, I would need to sign an agreement that basically says, there are these meetings I will need to attend (a group meeting, a church teaching, and a few other things) weekly - it would be a very stressful commitment. It’s all going on the assumption that on signing the agreement, you are already a serious Christian. If I told them I wasn’t, I’m positive that they’d turn me down. I’m sure they’re more open-minded than my parents, but there is a philosophy this organization of Christian rooming houses, which my parents recommended, abides to.
I appreciate the patience and help.
wil wrote:
Just some info you may not have been aware of.
The United Nations Universal Declaration of Human Rights, Article 18 states:
“Everyone has the right to freedom of thought, conscience and religion; this right includes freedom to change his religion or belief, and freedom, either alone or in community with others and in public or private, to manifest his religion or belief in teaching, practice, worship and observance.”
Your parents are effectively guilty of breeching your human rights. I’m not sure what the legal repercussions of this are.
But it might be something to change their minds. That the freedoms your country is privy to also include freedom to practice your own religion, and by preventing you from doing so, they’re acting out against freedom.
I’m not surprised, heck, towards an argument like that, I’m sure they would just angst about how un-Christian that is, complain about how bad this world is becoming as a result, and just say they’ll get what they deserve when the Rapture comes.
I’ve wished countless times that my parents were physically abusive so I could call child services on them. Or even that I just had a different father, or dead, or something. If I was in a better state of mind, I’m sure I wouldn’t be typing such deplorable things. I know how awful that sounds, I’m crazy.
I’m probably still misunderstanding something a bit, though. If I were to join the Christian house, I would need to sign an agreement that basically says, there are these meetings I will need to attend (a group meeting, a church teaching, and a few other things) weekly - it would be a very stressful commitment. It’s all going on the assumption that on signing the agreement, you are already a serious Christian. If I told them I wasn’t, I’m positive that they’d turn me down. I’m sure they’re more open-minded than my parents, but there is a philosophy this organization of Christian rooming houses, which my parents recommended, abides to.
Yes, my point was that I feel this isn’t the route you should take, as it would be good to be in an environment that you can be yourself. My advice would be to move in with a completely new set of people, there are many students wanting house shares as they cannot rent alone. I don’t feel it would be good for you to also have to live somewhere where you have to pretend to be something you’re not - as is the case with your parents. As I was saying, your parents may wish you to join this community, but it’s your life. It does not mean you have to admit that you are not a christian though.
For an update, they (parents) seem pretty dead set on the Christian rooming house, and bringing up the idea of looking for roommates, they find such people from a random search to be untrustworthy and stupid. I guess I just need someone else’s idea on this - possibly the only thing to deter them from this now is to just come clean and tell them. If not, I’ll either end up with my parents for another year or in this rooming house, neither of which will be good for me (I’d really like not having to hide my beliefs and not be myself for another year). Should I just bite the bullet and go with the rooming house? Or stand up for myself and give them the clear, single, reason why they don’t want me to move out - I’m not Christian? Or is there anything else? They think it’s stupid that I would consider random roommates. I don’t, but they don’t see the situation like I do, so yeah.
Is this a realistic option, given what they’ve done in the past? Just tell them I’m Agnostic? No doubt it would shake up the relationship I have with them, but at this point, I don’t care as much anymore. If they’re worse than before and threaten to hurt me, I’ll have 911 on standby an threaten them with charages of Battery - other than that, I can put up with ****-talking from them. If they refuse to let me use the computers in this house so I can go house-searching, I can just leave and walk to the library and use those computers (even though it would be a bit of a walk). I don’t trust them. They have threatened to kick me out of the house before.
I’m avoiding panic here, but I’m feeling rather hopeless about this.
It’s not stupid, it’s not dangerous. Many students meet like this and move in together. There are even sites funded by colleges for this. Of course they would prefer you to go to the Christian household. But it’s not their decision, it’s yours. Tell them you want to experience different sorts of people. Or don’t tell them. Just say you don’t want to go there and you’re not going to. They can only be controlling if you let them. They cannot stop you from moving out or where you choose to live. You do not have to tell them you aren’t Christian you just have to tell them you’re not moving there. I will tell you that the one most important thing I have learned in my life is that you should do what makes you happy, and not live your life for others. It’s your life, don’t waste it being miserable. They will make you feel like what you’re doing is stupid and naive, but do what you feel is right. Your life is yours not your parents.
You’re right. I really don’t want to go to the new household, and I’ll fight my point. I’ll do what I want to do, I’ve been tired of neglecting that.
All I’m concerned about is what to say to them at this point. They’re pretty adamant about the new household, especially since I’ve already e-mailed the main landlord for information about it, like they told me to. It’s as if they’ve already accepted that, so it will be difficult to tell them I’m not doing that, even though they do consider most college kids here and their lifestyles as stupid and “sinful”, generally.
I guess I’ll just have to choose my words carefully? I can picture myself telling them it’s what I want, then them coercing me for a “why?”, and if the answer is not substantial enough for them, they’ll forbid me from it somehow. At this point, not giving them a “good answer” would probably just give them the impression I’m not a Christian. Then there’s a can of worms. I feel as if denying this new household in any way will lead to inevitable accusations. I don’t care if they think I’m stupid, personally, but I don’t want to cause unnecessary tension in the family structure. Then again, if it really can’t be helped, maybe they’ll just have to deal with that.
How will they forbid you? You don’t have to answer anything.
What it comes down to is this. Either you act wholly independent, you arrange your finances, where you live etc. If you decide on this route you tell them that it doesn’t matter what they think is right, it is what YOU think is right and you will make it work.
OR you still partially rely on your parents, either financially or for emotional support. In which case you will have to do what they want.
However, if you choose the former you have to understand that they CANNOT stop you from doing anything, you are legally old enough to do what you want, and do not need anything from them to make it happen.
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