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Four songs I’ve related to over the past four years.
It’s weird, I’m one to usually roll my eyes when people are like “ooh, I relate to this song so much!” but there are four songs (one per year) where whenever I hear them, images of my life, how I was feeling at the time, come flooding into my mind. It’s funny because they are all from Bring Me The Horizon, I’m not even a huge fan of them. It’s the lyrics that caught my attention.
The first song was in 2008, “tell slater not to wash his d**k”, lovely name I know, explains how I felt when I was 17/18 and dealing with my depression. Almost every night I was out drinking and starting to use drugs, the only reason I was doing it was because I was trying to deal with the crushing loneliness I was feeling. Just before this, I lost a heap of old friends. Half through jealously (became a really messy love.. Octagon.) and the other half through lack of commitment on their behalf. Pretty much school finished and I never heard/saw them again. Then I met my current partner. We hit it off straight away, we have a lot in common. Because we got along so well and our love was blooming, it helped my depression, well he knew how to defuse me when I’d get upset. Because my head was a lot clearer, I think I became a better person from it.
In 2009 the song, “It was written in blood” caught my attention. You can guess that we broke up 10 months into the relationship, he was my first real relationship and he literally just broke up with me over the internet. I had a mental breakdown, which cost me a job. I ended up dating a friend, I ended up caring for him deeply, however I was pretty mentally unstable, to the point I was very certain I would try to commit suicide. I went to my doctor and was told, quite literally, to get a life. I was cutting again at the time.
Five months into my new relationship, I found out he was seeing his ex behind my back. The whole time we were dating he wouldn’t even let me talk to my ex.
I left him and I tried to be strong. I applied for tafe(study), got myself a part-time job and was feeling pretty confident - until I found out I was pregnant.
2010, “Don’t Go”.
Everyone had left me. My dad kicked me out of home, my uncle wouldn’t let me in his house when I had no where else to go. Even when I went and saw my nanna at her nursing home, she tore me down with horrible words. Saying I should get an abortion, I was an idiot, etc. I wasn’t allowed to enter my recent ex’s property, his family were saying nasty things about me and I was receiving death threats from his ex girlfriend. I refer to this year as “when they tore me to shreds”. My father let me back home, but called me terrible names, reffered to me as a sl*t to his friends and god only knows what else. Everyone looked down on me. When I have always been the “good” girl in the family. Now suddenly I was s*** beneath their feet.
All but one of my friends left me, but she was also very busy in her own life and I’ve never been able to really talk to her about my innermost feelings.
There was one person left, my ex, the one I had the 10 month relationship with. The day I was kicked out he told me to come to him, I didn’t that day but saw him a few weeks later. He was there from when I was 10weeks pregnant all the way through my pregnancy. We had a lot of fights though, there were a lot of times I’d be crying because of things he had done/said. You see, he didn’t want to be tied down at our age. But he loved me, so much, more than anything, that he staied with me. Anyway, the song “Don’t Go” really reflected how I felt that entire year. I didn’t hear it until the end of the year, but it describes best how I felt.
Long story short, later that year, after I had given birth, I attempted suicide. It was horrible, I saw terrible things in my mind. Thankfully, I failed. I have posted about what happened that night on here before, so I won’t go into it.
2011, “Crucify Me”.
“There is a hell, believe me I’ve seen it. There is a heaven, let’s keep it a secret.” When I hear that verse, the first thing I think of is what I saw when I was hallucinating. Which was bloodly bones being snapped, smooth rocks (I don’t know), and the most freakish thing: there was a woman kneeling next to my bed. Her hair was mattered and there was blood everywhere. I can’t explain it, but she was terrifying. Anyway, that was my “hell”.
My “heaven” is this one memory, my partner, child (4-5 months old at the time) and myself all curled up in bed together one night. Just that one memory makes everything better.
2011 is also the year I moved out of home so I had a chance to show myself, the weak damaged thing left over. I was okay though, I had my son and my partner there for me. “I am the ocean, I am the sea. There is a world inside of me.” - I believe this is about me running through everything that happened and trying to deal with it.
So far, this year, I don’t have a song that describes how I feel. I don’t want one. Because the woman I’m sowing back together doesn’t need one. I still have little mental relapses occasionally, but I’m holding myself together. I see a different person in the mirror now. She isn’t pieced together completely, but she’s a lot stronger and a lot wiser. At the moment, I don’t trust anyone but my partner and my son. But I know eventually I will have to open up to people again and I’ve given myself until next semester (beginning of next year) to ready myself, I’ll be applying for my cert III in beauty then. I think I’m stitching together nicely..
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