So, I’m feeling kind of lost.
Let me start from the beginning. (Sorry this is going to be kind of long.) Over a year ago I started dating this guy I’d known in high school. During high school, I’d never really had a boyfriend and this guy was my first (for a lot of things.)It goes great for a long time, with a few minor and major hiccups here and there. I won’t go into too much detail here, as this is not really the point. The point was, I thought things were going great. I thought we were going to make it. We’d talked about getting married and having kids(and oddly enough, still do.) Frequently. Now, I’ve been told I have dependency problems. Which, I will admit to. I have a hard time getting things done if I have to figure it out 100% alone. I’ll ignore it or try to get help. I also have self esteem issues. It used to be a lot worse when I was in school, I was shy and always kept to myself. I was that girl that no one dislikes but doesn’t stand out either. I didn’t get out much. After I graduated last year, that all changed. I became more confident, I got out more and I became more at ease doing so. I’ve grown a lot in the past year and most of it, I believe, is because of this guy. I’m frustrated because I’m still not as comfortable with myself as I want to be. I’m frustrated because of this. I wish I could look at myself in the mirror and go “GODDAMN IT! JUST BE MORE CONFIDENT! LOVE YOURSELF, **** IT! YOU’RE AMAZING!” But it doesn’t work like that, because I never believe myself. It was easier when I was still with my boyfriend. After he broke up with me back in April, everything went down-hill. I felt like I lost, not just a partner, but my best friend in the whole world and I had felt like everyone else turned their backs on me too. Because I had to move out of my living situation when we broke up, I moved in with my grandma.
Ever since, I’ve been badgered about getting a job. Which I barely have the space in my head to think about after this huge loss in my life, a dad who I’m constantly worried about because he never answers his calls, never has any money and is in a situation where he possibly could start doing drugs (again), I’m fighting with a couple friends, I’m still being “friends” with this guy(From now on I’m going to call him Paul.) but occasionally we sleep together, we go to church together, we still say “I love you,” we still cuddle, we hang out alone together, I make dinner for him sometimes (each and every time I see him, though there’s a little heart-break somewhere. I am how ever getting better at dealing with it myself, though. Which is progress..), I’m trying to figure out what I want to do for college, and thus for my career, I’m trying to figure out who I am on top of all of this and trying to learn I don’t have to be perfect or afraid of failing and, to top it all off, I just came off a birth control pill. Which, might be effecting my emotions.
I’ve felt like it would be so much easier if I died. It would be so peaceful. I can’t even off myself, because every time I think about it I get scared and sick to my stomach. Most of the time I feel like I’m about to explode.
I try to avoid talking about anything serious with anyone but my sister who lives across the state from me and Paul. Everyone else I could go to has either let me down before and hurt me after I’ve leaned on them for a little support or is completely twitterpated with a new boyfriend and makes me hurt to be around (or she just ditches me and talks on the phone all night and then leaves first thing in the morning to go spend time with him, leaving me to hang out with Paul[he lives with her.]) or is family. My family is very narrow minded and negative which is exactly what I’m trying *not* to be. Most of the time I have this “I love you guys, but I want to be nothing like you at all” mentality about them.
Since that night, where my friend ditched me and hung out with her boyfriend, Paul’s been in a strange mood. He’s been treating me kinda funny. I’ve gotten used to how things have been again. We’ve been acting kind of couple-ish up until then. When I left that house, I felt so wrong. When he and I first started dating, he treated me so differently than he does now and it’s just been getting to me hard core. He used to be sweet to me, he used to help me and want to help me. That lasted a while, even after we broke up. He’s been upset about something and all I want is to help him. There has always been a wall of sorts there, but he’s recently gotten even colder. He never has let me in, he always kept his problems from me until they built up so much he couldn’t take it anymore. On top of that, I’ve been feeling weird lately, I can’t quite put my finger on it, I’m sad because I miss the happy times between us, I feel extraordinarily guilty, like I killed the man I love, Lately, in the past two or three days, I’ve been feeling tired, tired of feeling pain, tired of being around him, tired of how he’s been treating me, tired of the way things are going, tired of how he always acts like he doesn’t care and I don’t matter, tired of crying, tired of doing my best to improve upon myself and making no progress with him and just feeling trapped. There’s no way I’m going to leave him behind, I feel like this could be the most amazing thing in the world and if I let go, I’d be missing the deepest kind of love I could ever imagine. I can’t let go, for that reason.
I know where the problems are in his and my relationship now. I know how I can fix it. The problem is, I can’t help but fixate on what can’t change. I focus on all of the other **** I need to do, with this looming over my head. I’m falling apart. I’m feeling desperate. I can’t focus on what I *can* change. I need help I have all of this to deal with and no experience to draw on. All of my friends have thicker skins than I do, in this regard, because they went through all this **** in high school.
There’s probably more that I need to get off my chest, but I can’t recall right now. I feel emotional and need to sleep after typing all of that. I can elaborate or explain where needed. I just needed to get those negative feelings out of me and in to some kind of wording. Any advice someone can give would be greatly appreciated because I’m just so ******* lost…
Since writing this post sandia de oro may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. sandia de oro is a verified member, has been around for 1 year, 5 months and has 1 posts and 3 replies to their name.
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