This post left anonymously
In the reflection, I’m worlds away!
Hey to anyone that reads this!
I use to feel normal, now I sleep with a knife under my pillow, I’m scared all the time, I feel alone in a crowd of people.
Dont get me wrong, I have alot going for me these days and I feel selfish that I cant shake this feeling, I dont know if its me anymore, I guess it is.
I’m just going to write because I have bottled everything up for a while because i’m afraid of talking face to face with people anymore because I dont want to ruin anyones life.
it all started when my mum died, the last thing I said to her was I wish she was never my mum, then she was hit by a drunk driver.
I held her hand for hours after, hoping that if she knew how much I cared she would come back to me, stupid I know. grief is weird because after her death I had to put my life back together anyway possible.
it was hard I was just reaching being a teeanger and I changed in many ways, its hard being a woman when you dont have anyone to guide you, sounds stupid but it was people take it for granted that their mum got to take them Bra shopping.
My dad went through a rough time I lost him as well he dissapeared in front of my eyes and I moved in with a relative with my brothers, I didnt really get to see him a few weekends maybe.
This bright intelligent man dissapeared he became grumpy and hurt all the time, he shut me and everyone out. All I wanted was him to hold me instead my brother did, He replaced my mum he took care of me.
we then moved house, states, schools to get away from everything and everyone.
I was thankful because I use to have to go to a house where I was sexually abused on many ocassions, I blamed my dad for not being there protecting me from everything that happened in this house, no one knows about this apart from people that read this, I was told that if I ever spoke a word my life wouldnt be worth living.
we packed up everything, Dad promised a new start things would be different and for a while they were, I believed him but it all changed when he started leaving us for days.
He tried to do everything for us but he was never home, then me and my brothers moved to different relatives.
As he had to fly in out for work to keep things afloat, my brother started growning up started hating everything the sistuation. Tension rised when Dad would come home from work, for many years this was our life. until both my brothers finished school, my dad met a woman he finally started to smile, it felt alright for once.
His light started to come back he wasnt bitter, after a year or so she was diagnosed with cancer. shattered everyone I promised she would win, she was strong real fighter we became closer, seeing her go through everything, I didnt want to loose her or Dad.
chemo and operations she was hanging on, through this time Dad started drinking quite heavily, he hardly slept and we started to fight over everything treatment hope, the past. he really became bitter I could see the hate and pain in his eyes and I started to hate everything, especially him.
He smelt of alcohol and I cried he scared me He wasnt anything like he use to be, he was changed.
we use to fight, he would scream down the house and I would hide in the cupboard or not come home. I was hurting and never though I would make it to the end of school until I met someone that helped me, he was a rock solid and strong someone that reached out his hand and saved me from drowning I could breathe around him.
He made the fear dissapear his like a Dad to me, without him I dont think I would be writing this here now or standing here.
so I just wanted to say that life is rough its thanks to websites and people who care that makes this world less cold he doesnt know any of this but he see’s me for who I am, I dont have to pretend, so please reach out no matter how small, love to anyone that took the time to read this x
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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