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I’m sick of being bitter.
I have this habit of holding onto grudges for a long time. I’ve been this way as long as i can remember. It takes me years to get past even the most insignificant of wrongs done against me. For instance, though im not mad at the original situation, i still have a strong dislike for the kids that used to pick on me when i was in 6th grade, which i should most certainly be over by now.
But lately it’s worse. I lived with my aunt out of state for 11 months, was going to be longer before she finally had enough of me apparently and practically shoved me out her back door. I went under a lot of pressure while i was there, she has this extremely irritating habit of pointing out every single flaw she can find about me, whether it’s something stupid like my hair, or some sort of thing she doesnt like in my personality. She REALLY found it fun to publicly humiliate me, and degrade me, and spread lies about me. And obviously by the tone in this post you can tell im still really ticked off about it, even though ive been home now for over a year. At one point i thought i hated her (though now ive come to terms with what real hatred feels like, and that wasnt even close) even seeing her name irritated me and made my blood boil, and all of this crap started between me and her over me saying something i didnt even know i wasnt allowed to say. she took such great offense to this, an as much as i apologized, she decided i was dead to her and couldnt get rid of me soon enough. I was extremely mad for a while, until one day i was given the horrendous knowledge of finding out someone very dear to me was raped. This sent me hurling over the brink of sanity and i wanted him dead. I STILL hate him with every fiber of my soul, but thats another story. as soon as i found this out i immediately knew that i hated this person so much i didnt have any room left in my heart to dislike my aunt, or anyone else for that matter, anymore. Months passed of me finally being okay with her, i actually missed her quite a bit. i wanted to apologize and make things right. I finally got the chance to come visit her and my cousin amber (they live in arkansas, i live in ny, ambers not her daughter, shes my other aunts daughter) and i was overwhelmed as we pulled into her driveway. I couldnt wait to see her again, finally get this all settled so we didnt have to argue anymore. but what i found was that she is clearly just as bad with grudges as i am. Because i walked in, she barely said hello, didnt hug me, and spent the next 20 minutes scoffing at me and giving me a passive aggressive attitude about hanging out with amber. (she doesnt like amber either, because they got into a fight over me, and amber stuck up for me) All those old feelings came back to me at once. its easy to forget about them when youre not reminded of them on a daily basis. It seems to me since then, its not even that i dont like her anymore. i dont hate her. i just dont respect her. every ounce of admiration ive ever had for her is gone. All i wanted was to make things better, and she SCOFFED AT ME?? And now every day im living with guilt because i cant seem to get over it. I just want to stop all of this crap, but clearly she doesnt and that kills me. Im not good at forgiving, how do you forgive someone when they wont say sorry. when they refuse to admit theyve done anything wrong? ive apologized too many times to count, and i havent gotten a single one from her. nothing, not the slightest vibe of regret. so now what do i do? because i cant keep going on like this, its hard enough hating one person as much as i do alone, i dont need to be this angry at her too.