This post left anonymously
I feel defeated.
I tried applying to get a divorce at least to get the ball rolling with legal aid who helps low income people, I was denied because I don’t have my own place yet. I know a divorce doesn’t happen in 2 weeks, it usually takes a couple years at least. I’ve got plans in action already which I told them but I was still denied.
I can’t take the constant mess anymore. I can’t take the arguing, I can’t take any of it.
He doesn’t take care of himself which is starting to rub off on me in the sense that I already suffer from depression/bipolar so I’m not taking as good care of myself as I should but at least I do still make sure I shower and such I just don’t want to.
There’s a huge mess in the house, I keep cleaning it up and it keeps getting trashed, I mean yes 2 kids, and 3 dogs so I can’t expect it spotless, but still there are a total of 3 adults in the house, one works like a dog to help pay the bills.
I do the cooking, cleaning, laundry, mow the lawn, keep up as best I can with all the trees and bushes.
I take the person who works back and forth to work because he doesn’t have his license so I drive a total of 80 miles a day just for that alone nevermind when I have to run to the grocery store because the one who doesn’t do anything eats us out of house and home and stays on his computer all day.
I go into the bedroom everyday because if I don’t, I find we start missing dishes, when I go look for them there’s dried caked food on them, and mold.
Everytime I walk in the bedroom I want to gag because it smells like dirty feet and rotten food.
I don’t even gather the clothes. I tell him to bring them out and I gag carrying them down to the washer.
I’ve brought it up to him about his behavior then he’ll take care of himself for a few days then he regresses back to being a useless slob.
The more I think about the situation and keep getting denied everything (from jobs to housing right now) the more it hurts me because of the kids. He yells at them for no reason, he pays no attention to them and it’s just pathetic.
My depression is hitting hard and I keep just wanting to poof be gone, but I can’t because if I did that would put my son in his care and well… I have a feeling he would not survive.
The A/C went out in my car this week and we can’t afford to get it fixed. My dog is in immense pain because she’s 14 and seems she pulled something in her side because she’s favoring an entire side and yelping when she has to move.
Everything is breaking and falling apart around me. I can’t keep up with anything.
I pick up toys they’re back on the living room floor, I take out the diapers there’s a pile twice the size I just took out a couple days later, I do the dishes I turn around they’re stacked to the roof, I wash a load of laundry and then there are about 5 in front of the washer, I clean the car, a bird ***** on it, I mop my floors, the dogs get sick, piss or crap on it or it rains and everyone tracks mud through all after about 10 min of me mopping it.
I can’t do it anymore. I just want to give up. I can’t, but I really want to.
On top of that I’ve suffered a couple injuries last month and now they may do surgery on my leg which is going to put me out of commission for at least 4-6 weeks minimum. Really… I don’t want to think about the state of what the house will be, how I’ll get up to use the bathroom without hurting myself, how I’m going to take care of the kids and dogs, how I’m going to be able to do anything really.
Luckily one of my children is going to visit the rest of my family down south for the school year but still the youngest that is staying can’t do for himself he’s still in diapers! Not even 2 yet.
I just don’t know what to do, I’ve talked to his parents but they turn it on me, I’ve talked to him and he doesn’t do anything, I can’t leave because I have no money, I can’t stay because it’s going to be the complete break down of me and my kids, I can’t do anything, I’m stuck.
My room mate keeps saying I’ll get out, he’ll get a place, but the guarantee on his job is shaky and I don’t want to take 20 steps back as opposed to only about 10. I know he’s trying to help but, it just seems like it’s just talk because that’s all we can do since we can’t save money. It’s impossible on his income.
I cry and it doesn’t help, I laugh, I bury my head in video games, or a hot shower, I bury myself in cleaning and cooking and nothing helps. Not even meds.
I’ve been to a therapist, the thing is therapy and meds only work if you can change your situation, if you can’t change your situation you’ll be just as miserable, you just won’t cry.
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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