Since writing this post CreateHappiness may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. CreateHappiness is a verified member, has been around for 1 year, 4 months and has 1 posts and 6 replies to their name.
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Being afraid that it’s too late is a perfect example of a worry or insecurity like what you said drove him away. So I guess if you work on self-confidence, there may be some chance of continuing that relationship.
If at first you don’t succeed, try again, then move on. No sense being silly about it.
You sound like you’re in a terrible place to be attempting a relationship. You have all these personal insecurities that haven’t failed to get in the way in the past, and now you’re thinking of trying it all again, maybe in the hopes that something will be different and all will end happy. Sounds like love wasn’t enough in the past, why should it be now?
Love makes an irrational fool of all of us, but I think you’ll be better off ironing out the issues that have resulted in your happily-never-afters first. In my experience, happily-Ever-afters don’t just happen, and not just for anyone either. People have to be ready for a happily-ever-after, not just want one, and even then they have to work at at.
I guess I should clarify that the long line of happily-never-afters are actually family members, not myself. I have not seen a relationship work out, with both parties being happy and honest with each other, off of a movie screen in a very long time. And so I figure, it must run in my family - this being my root insecurity. It is not a matter of love not being enough, because he is the first person I have ever loved. When things started to get more serious, it was like some kind of switch had been hit, and I said anything I could to put more distance there in order to keep either of us from getting hurt. I regretted everything I said immediately, but still couldn’t shut myself up. I want to be with him, and recently I realized (terribly belatedly on my part) that he could be worth the heartache if I just gave us a chance. But I think I pushed him away one time too many now.
If I know anything about genetics (and I do). Incompatibility with relationships is not heritable. Most likely insecurity is.
But even then that may not be true.
I think we can both agree that the problem is in your head (as you’ve suggested by labelling it as an insecurity),
therefore, we might consider that you have indeed inherited your families penchant for bad relationships not genetically, but through an overactive imagination.
If you believe it to be true then your belief that you aren’t suitable for relationships is almost certainly guaranteed to prevent you from ever having anything close to a happy relationship.
This is rooted in your self-esteem. I think your problems with relationships goes deeper than the surface.
Are you happy?
I am quite happy, yes. The only thing I am, and have been, unhappy with is my inability to get over this insecurity (and yes, we can agree it is definitely in my head) and make our relationship work. Up until now, I’ve let everything fall apart with the excuse of “Well, you were bound to mess things up eventually, better now than later…” - but each time this happens, we argue and stop talking. My feelings never change, and I find myself apologizing and somehow this amazing man forgives me. But this time has been the longest we’ve gone, and I am not naive enough to believe that there would eventually come a time where the apologizing and starting new would not be enough. I don’t know what changed, but something did. And though I cannot prove nor show it, I know this time I’ll put my everything on the line and push all the insecurity to the back of my mind because I know it’ll always be there, but I won’t let them control me anymore. Does that make sense? I don’t know. I think that this time, there might not be a chance to fix things. I’ve apologized again, and expressed my feelings and regrets. But I’ve yet to get a reply. I haven’t given up hope, but I needed to tell someone about the storm in my heart, and I thought who better to turn to than someone who may potentially be in a similar boat somewhere here on the interwebs.
That’s good news I guess.
I was once in a similar boat to you. I left my insecurities hold me back to the point where it was too late. I wasn’t in a great space after that. How long has it been since you left him a message. It sounds like such a message would be a lot to process if it isn’t the first time you’ve come back to him.
I left the message two days ago, which I know is not a very long time ago at all, but the last time we made up it only took him a few hours to reply. I know that sounds presumptuous and impatient, but that is exactly why I think I may have messed up for the last time. And honestly, I wouldn’t blame him. But I don’t want us to end like this, and I would take back everything I said if I could. Famous last words, but sincere none the less.
I hope things work out for you. Which I think they will in the long run, even if you don’t get what you want. Sometimes we have to lose something to learn something.
It’ll be tough. But there’ something to learn from loss. Let the experience shape your future in a positive way (once the tears dry up - nothing wrong with a therapeutic cry ;) )
What do you do when you’ve had not only a second, but a third chance to fix things, and you still screw it up? I love him, but I’m terrified. I come from a long line of happily-never-afters, and I never want to hurt him the way history says I will. We haven’t spoke in a while, my worries and insecurities drove him away. But I want to give it one last try, and now I’m afraid it’s too late.
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