Anonymous
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10 months, 1 week ago (17 minutes after post)
Thanks Zirbel. I liked the first link and I watched the video. I don’t think the flirting or actually getting a date is the problem here, though. It’s my obsession with not coming off needy (Which was addressed in the first link) and actually keeping up a relationship. I have never, ever had a guy call me his girlfriend. I just feel destined to be the single friend in my group.
I tend to “casually date” guys. You know, we’re “hanging out” (ahem, making out and getting physical) but there never seems to be any sort of commitment. It just kind of bums me out.
I want a boyfriend who is also a FRIEND. I want to be able to connect with someone on an intimate level and know that he will care about me no matter what. I just don’t feel like I will be able to ever find someone like that.
All depends on YOU.
Could really be, that you’re too picky (see above).
Anonymous
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10 months, 1 week ago (31 minutes after post)
Zirbel wrote:
All depends on YOU.
Could really be, that you’re too picky (see above).
Believe me, that’s not it. I give guys I’m not attracted to a chance. Even when there’s no chemistry, I’ll go on a date. Even THEY don’t want anything serious with me. :/
Anonymous wrote:
Zirbel wrote:
All depends on YOU.
Could really be, that you’re too picky (see above).
Believe me, that’s not it. I give guys I’m not attracted to a chance. Even when there’s no chemistry, I’ll go on a date. Even THEY don’t want anything serious with me. :/
Have you ever meditated on the question why and how you interact in an obviously unapproachable way?
There must be a kind of acting as a deterrent.
Deliberate!
Maybe a dating coach and a dating seminar could help you! ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dating_c… )
What I have found in life is that with everything there are 2 extremes and a middle ground. You have gone from giving a lot of attention to giving very little. You must find the middle ground. Don’t be needy or aloof, no one really likes those things anyway.
I am having the same problem when it comes to dating with neediness. My solution I am advising to you is to just be yourself, but tell the guy in advance that you have a tenancy to be a bit clingy and that all he has to do is say something. Let him know you won’t get offended and that it really isn’t a big problem, let him know that he can be comfortable telling you if he needs space.
Anonymous
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10 months, 1 week ago (55 minutes after post)
Zirbel wrote:
Have you ever meditated on the question why and how you interact in an obviously unapproachable way?
There must be a kind of acting as a deterrent.
Deliberate!
Maybe a dating coach and a dating seminar could help you! ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dating_c… )
I have no idea. :( I’m able to make (and keep) friends, both male and female, so I don’t really get it. Believe me, you’re talking to a girl who goes over the past constantly in her head to see what she did wrong. I analyze myself constantly. I’m also not sure where I would get a dating coach or go to a seminar?
Chi The Cat wrote:
What I have found in life is that with everything there are 2 extremes and a middle ground. You have gone from giving a lot of attention to giving very little. You must find the middle ground. Don’t be needy or aloof, no one really likes those things anyway.
I am having the same problem when it comes to dating with neediness. My solution I am advising to you is to just be yourself, but tell the guy in advance that you have a tenancy to be a bit clingy and that all he has to do is say something. Let him know you won’t get offended and that it really isn’t a big problem, let him know that he can be comfortable telling you if he needs space.
But isn’t that a turn off in itself? Will I come off as needy right away when I say something like that? What if I say it and I’m actually not being needy, but it’s in the back of his head now that I’m a clingy person. I don’t want to be needy or clingy at all!
I keep myself busy too so it’s not like I’m just sitting around waiting for a guy to text or call me. I have a life. I just can’t seem to get a hang of this dating thing. :( I’m not good at dating.
I don’t think anyone is good at dating. And I know you are as sick and tired as I am of people saying “dont’ worry about it! The right guy is out there you don’t have to change at all, you just have to wait until you find him!” As true as that probably is, it is horribly unsatisfying since we want answers right away.
I think the only way to get those answers is through good old fashion experience. You have to go through a bunch of crappy relationships before you can start to know how to have good ones. All of those bad experiences will allow you to have good ones. I think that’s part of being human.
Anonymous
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10 months, 1 week ago (1 hour, 27 minutes after post)
Chi The Cat wrote:
I don’t think anyone is good at dating. And I know you are as sick and tired as I am of people saying “dont’ worry about it! The right guy is out there you don’t have to change at all, you just have to wait until you find him!” As true as that probably is, it is horribly unsatisfying since we want answers right away.
I think the only way to get those answers is through good old fashion experience. You have to go through a bunch of crappy relationships before you can start to know how to have good ones. All of those bad experiences will allow you to have good ones. I think that’s part of being human.
You make some good points. I just have to stop letting each of these failed “relationships” chip away at my self esteem. :( It really gets to me sometimes. You’re right, I hear about how the right guy is out there for me all the time haha. Apparently, he’ll show up when I stop looking. I stopped looking for TWO years! Still nothing. But ehhh I guess there’s nothing I can do about it.
Everyone has failed relationships. How often to you hear about someone marrying their first boyfriend/girlfriend? Everyone has many relationships before they find the person they can marry.
Don’t worry about needy or aloof, just be yourself and let your experiences change you.
Anonymous
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10 months, 1 week ago (1 hour, 48 minutes after post)
Chi The Cat wrote:
Everyone has failed relationships. How often to you hear about someone marrying their first boyfriend/girlfriend? Everyone has many relationships before they find the person they can marry.
Don’t worry about needy or aloof, just be yourself and let your experiences change you.
Thanks :)
np ^_^ And my take on the not looking… if everyone followed that, no one would ever make the first move and there would be no dating! lolz. I don’t think it’s bad or harmful to go on the hunt, just don’t be desperate or impatient about it. That’s something I’ve struggled with as well. But to me it sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders so in your case I wouldn’t worry about becoming that way when it comes to looking as much.
become friends with guys first. that always worked for me. put yourself in his shoes. being needy isn’t so terrible as much as how it changes your behavior, becoming jealous, impatient, possessive, demanding or controlling. let your partners know when something makes you feel special and loved, and they will want to do that for you. but understand that sometimes a partner can’t be thinking about their girlfriend all the time and need his space. if you respect someone and want them to be happy, you’ll learn to become comfortable with who they are.
Anonymous
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10 months, 1 week ago (2 days, 1 hour after post)
a wild ozy appears wrote:
become friends with guys first. that always worked for me. put yourself in his shoes. being needy isn’t so terrible as much as how it changes your behavior, becoming jealous, impatient, possessive, demanding or controlling. let your partners know when something makes you feel special and loved, and they will want to do that for you. but understand that sometimes a partner can’t be thinking about their girlfriend all the time and need his space. if you respect someone and want them to be happy, you’ll learn to become comfortable with who they are.
That’s a good idea. It’s much less intimidating to become friends first, and then later, if something happens, that’s great. :) Plus, I think I’ll have an easier time being myself. I think that’s my biggest problem-I’m not myself when I’m dating a guy. That’s unfair to everyone, especially myself, I think.
Thanks, Ozy!
you’re welcome. :) good luck!
Anonymous
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10 months, 1 week ago (2 days, 21 hours after post)
I don’t have any advice to give sadly… but I am the same way. Having messed up too many times before and scaring them off and now I’m just hesitant about any decision I make, but then being hesitant makes them think I’m not interested at all. It’s all just overwhelming.
Zirbel
Chi The Cat
Dr. Ozy