friends help: My husband has no friends or hobbies….i feel smothered - Help.com

Have you tried talking to him about it?
What is he doing, that is smothering you?

he is a good person who is career minded but has some health problems too which he isn’t too great at taking care of. He can get very moody - somewhat related to the pain he is in. This is an issue that has reared up again after a brilliant year or so without problems.
We have been together for nearly 8 years and i know life isn’t a bed of roses but i love the outdoors, independece, have lots of friends and he is almost the opposite. Sometimes this feels like a perfect balance, he grounds me and i am content and sometimes it feels suffocating. I would prefer it if he took some responsibility for the things that frustrate him in his life such as his health and his boredem and wish he didn’t look to me to fulfill so many of his needs.

Why is not taking care of himself? Have you shared these feelings with him? Have you told how much it is affecting you?
What are some the things he likes?

Thanks in the mist. He is just home all the time when he’s not at work. And we live in a small house!! Just wish he had some interest outside the house. And he moans alot. Always a reason why he can’t go to the gym, go out blah blah… it gets a bit boring. When he has had phases where he has had a social life independently and hobbies, i feel it enriches our relationship and i want him sexually more. He also gets really uber passive and over focuses on me and organises my life a bit too much (which at times i need to be fair!).

I am not sure. I think, he just becomes extremely passive and lacks any get up and go. He does an extremely demanding job which doesn’t help. I haven’t told him, not really as I just feel like a bit of a nag. He works hard. He likes his motorbike and gaming and reading books. He used to like running but quit it. Recycling /uholstering furniture. (We don’t have space for much of that right now) But to be honest Moaning and ******** about people is about his favorite thing!!!

Have you voiced this to him? It could be that he is in his routine…a rut maybe. Maybe he’s depressed?
If it’s depression, he needs to seem someone, before it gets worse. If it’s depression, than it will have an affect on everything in his life and it will take some time for him to recover from it.
However, if its just laziness, than maybe its time for a wake up call. You have to confront it, before you start to resent him.
At least you still want him sexually…thats a bonus for him and a positive for you.
How old is he?

Anonymous wrote:
I am not sure. I think, he just becomes extremely passive and lacks any get up and go. He does an extremely demanding job which doesn’t help. I haven’t told him, not really as I just feel like a bit of a nag. He works hard. He likes his motorbike and gaming and reading books. He used to like running but quit it. Recycling /uholstering furniture. (We don’t have space for much of that right now) But to be honest Moaning and ******** about people is about his favorite thing!!!

Well than you have to voice you concerns to him…maybe he has no idea these things are affecting you and are creating a negative outwardly appearance for him.

He is 30, i was 34 until a week ago. (Can’t quite manage to say i’m 35 yet!) What do you mean by a negative outwardly appearance? Sorry am a little unclear.

And thank you for your advice too. I do need to talk to him, i think he is in a rut and probably a bit low too. There is also an element of laziness and he is someone who is steady slow and quiet and i am energetic and flit from thing to thing and full of ideas. Both our personalities are great in balance but out of balance he becomes lazy and passive and i get ungrounded and chaotic. I probably by nature make changes more quickly than he does.
Thanks. It helps to talk……

Inthemist wrote:
Have you voiced this to him? It could be that he is in his routine…a rut maybe. Maybe he’s depressed?
If it’s depression, he needs to seem someone, before it gets worse. If it’s depression, than it will have an affect on everything in his life and it will take some time for him to recover from it.
However, if its just laziness, than maybe its time for a wake up call. You have to confront it, before you start to resent him.
At least you still want him sexually…thats a bonus for him and a positive for you.
How old is he?

I agree. sounds a lot like depression. get him diagnosed. and if so, find a therapist. (drugs don’t work by themselves.)

Thanks Marlin. I don’t really think i’m in a position to ‘get’ my husband to do anything, but i will suggest this.Thanks

Anonymous wrote:
Thanks Marlin. I don’t really think i’m in a position to ‘get’ my husband to do anything, but i will suggest this.Thanks

can’t you just give him the evil eye? I thought you said he was passive?

;)

hmmmmmmmm…….and stubbon as mule.

My dear Anon, I deduce that your husband had a father who didn’t take much of an interest in him . . . who never played with him much, or introduced him to any hobbies.

The solution is quite . . . elementary. YOU have friends–women who have husbands. Get THEM to get their husbands involved with your husband! It’s kind of a variation on the “networking” theme.

Aside from that, find something that you BOTH like and have a MUTUAL hobby!

Anonymous wrote:
He is 30, i was 34 until a week ago. (Can’t quite manage to say i’m 35 yet!) What do you mean by a negative outwardly appearance? Sorry am a little unclear.

And thank you for your advice too. I do need to talk to him, i think he is in a rut and probably a bit low too. There is also an element of laziness and he is someone who is steady slow and quiet and i am energetic and flit from thing to thing and full of ideas. Both our personalities are great in balance but out of balance he becomes lazy and passive and i get ungrounded and chaotic. I probably by nature make changes more quickly than he does.
Thanks. It helps to talk……

What I mean is that he is giving off this negative vibe that you are picking up on, which is dragging you down, you know?

Thanks. I think he is depressed. He hass spent quite alot of his life depressed so we just get used to it. I am going to try and see it more like this than blame him. He is ill and needs help i guess.

Anonymous wrote:
Thanks. I think he is depressed. He hass spent quite alot of his life depressed so we just get used to it. I am going to try and see it more like this than blame him. He is ill and needs help i guess.

true. but “get used to it” doesn’t mean that you have to accept a crappy life. depression is treatable and you can both live normal lives.

I wouldn’t take it lying down and don’t recommend others do either :)

I spoke to him about it last night and he did acknowledge it a bit and said that it was because of his work and health etc and he starts a new job soon so it will be o.k.

He said that i ignore him and just live my own life. To be honest, he is right in someways. I don’t know what he feels i’m not giving him. Whatever it is, i have run out of it. I said i don’t care anymore, and that is harsh but i just don’t have it in me to listen to his negativity and sit in it with him.

He says that he won’t have therapy as they will tell him to ’shut up, move on’ so i will have therapy instead. Problem is that they will probably say the same to me and that will end in me leaving him.

Seven wrote:
He says that he won’t have therapy as they will tell him to ’shut up, move on’ so i will have therapy instead. Problem is that they will probably say the same to me and that will end in me leaving him.

no. this shows a real misunderstanding of therapy. it’s quite the opposite. they want you to talk and complain and whine

at any rate, if someone cannot take responsibility for themselves, then it’s unlikely they are going to change until something drastic happens. sorry to say.

That’s what i suggested about it. I actually think he likes being miserable.

Shall I ask him to leave?

Seven wrote:
That’s what i suggested about it. I actually think he likes being miserable.

Shall I ask him to leave?

I can’t tell you that. but sometimes you do have to do something drastic to get them to wake up. its a tough call though, b/c you don’t want to make it worse.

but yes, it often does appear as if depressed people like it. part of the problem is that depression makes you feel hopeless (even if you have good reason not to be). and feeling hopeless, they rationalize away any possibility of hope. tell him that feeling hopeless is part of the disease.

No i don’t want to make it worse………………..he is finishing his job soon and says that he thinks it will be better after that. But what will happen next time there is prolonged stress or other difficult things? It is as if he has really poor coping strategies…………..

In the past i have done drastic things like asked him to leave/move into the spare room/ had a blazing row and this has snapped him into taking some kind of action but it is a pattern now.

I think partly it is me. I have been almost fully independent since the age of 15 and am very intolerant of people who complain and have problems and don’t ‘get on with it’

4 years ago i was in an absolute mess, saw a psychiatric team, self harmed, had serious anxiety. I had 2 weeks off work and continued to work with crippling anxiety as well as maintain some activities like swimming. Even though i was in a total mess i committed myself to getting better, and did. Through all that time i kept trying to make sure he was happy to and i think really that is partly what tipped me into the mess i was in. He is very good at taking care of people and focuses alot on other peoples needs.

Anonymous wrote:
He is very good at taking care of people and focuses alot on other peoples needs.

of course! helping others distracts from your own problems.

(*cringing* Oh the irony!)

you are right though. things get better and things get worse. you have to be able to manage regardless. it’s obvious he is struggling.

He came home last night and said he was sorry, he’s going to join the gym next week and if that doesn’t get him feeling better he said he will usee the free counselling at work.

:) Happy things are moving again. Thanks for all the support and advice. x

Good!

good luck!

Just found out today that the dream home that got withdrawn and sent to auction (we didn’t have a buyer for our place) is back on and within finger tip touching reach…at a stretch…….maybe…. :)

I love my husband. I spoke to my sister last night and that helped too…

Thanks for listening, am suure we will be fine. We love each other and want to have a life together. There is plenty of hope!