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So for a little bit over 4 years, I was with a guy.
We both seemed to have a consistant set of roles that we played throughout the first 3 years. I was more of the shy type, the one that couldn’t cuss (didn’t feel right at the time), didn’t raise my voice, took the blame for what felt like everything, was the one that had a hard time making decisions, had family problems, couldn’t go out with my friends because of my parents (age 14-17), was always home; there is so much more.
I felt “so in love” with this one guy, who played the role of what seems relevant to some kind of leader. He was the one that, if one of us were mad, you could guess it was him and would have been correct about 90% of the time, he cussed a lot, even at me then I would always get sad and ask him to stop, he would stop at times, but then there were times where he would also just continue. He was usually always out with his friends having a jam session or drinking and other stuff, well again, theres so much more.
I feel so confused with my life.
When we were about 3 years, my family came back to visit from the states and this is when everything started really. I barely talked to him because I was usually busy with my family that I hadn’t seen in years. We usually would only talk for about 10 minutes each day or every other day.
For a few months, he would occasionally tell me about this girl that liked him. It didn’t bother me really, but I did ask him if he liked her and he said no, then that was it for me asking. Well after that happened, he seemed to just be getting closer to her. He would talk about her more, until it got to the point where they called eachother “best friends”. I was getting worried, so I started asking him so many questions so often. He would usually reply saying “Don’t worry about it! I would never go out with her, she’s an air head.” … It was still in me, the strong feeling that something was going on… But I tried so hard to keep my mouth shut about it. Then he even told me about his plan to sneak out of his house at night, take the car, and go pick her up, another girl, and his guy friend. I was getting so mad… he told me that I don’t need to worry cause there was going to be his guy friend, and this other girl that I knew. i didn’t care who was going to be there! I got upset, kept asking him “WHY would you do that?!” then he just got fed up with it and told his friends to cancel. It irritated me that it took sooo much for him to cancel it.
Well anyways, a few months or weeks after was when my family came back. He would always get angry that I was barely able to talk to him, he said “he doesn’t know what I’m doing, what if I’m really doing something with some other guy?” I just said, “well I don’t know what you do either, get on skype! i’ll show you my family or something. did you want to stay on the phone everywhere I go???” While my fam was here, we pretty much argued the whole time we ever got to talk, it usually started with him getting mad that I was barely able to talk to him, then change to being about the girl. the arguments always went on until I was called by one of my relatives.
When my family left to go back off island, he told me about what happened. He told me that he thinks he likes that girl (lets just say Vanessa or something), and then he asked me if he could ask her out.. THIS WAS THE PART WHERE I JUST DIED. i was thinking just how STUPID he was to even ask that dumb question! I started blowing up, but tried acting like I didn’t even care. I was crying so hard. I asked him why he would everrr ask me that dumb question, and he replied saying “well at least im asking you and not hiding it!” but stillll! well for a few weeks all we did was argue.
Well, I had an art show and he came to one to support, he came with his friend and they stayed for some time. During the time he was there, we pretty much just acted like nothing was going on but i tried bringing up the thing about him and vanessa, he had already planned on asking her out, and he talked to me all about it. During the art show, he asked me not to talk about it, so i didnt but just tried to bring it up every 3 minutes or something. When he was leaving I asked him if he was coming to my last art show, and he told me yes. So on the last day, he called me.. he sounded soo happy and he was laughing.. I answered while me and my friends were setting everything up then just walked away… He started shouting and laughing as if he were on the phone with one of his best buds..
him:”HEY!!! dude man.. guess what?! haha”
him:”no bro.. GUESS!”
me:”what.. you asked her out?”
him:”Yea, but dude.. guess what she said…”
him:”(acting as though he was sad) she said no…”
me:”No way?!” him:”yea.. i dont know why! but yea.. he totally turned me down..” me:” when did you ask her?..”
him:”haha, nahh im just kidding! she said YES!”
me:”….oh.. wow.. thanks..”
him:”mann.. im sorry..”
me:”no.. its alright.. dont worry…”
him:”alright, well I gotta go bro! you okay?”
me:”yea.. bye. so im guessing your not coming..”
him:”oh yeah.. shoot! i cant make it!”
well there was a little more to that convo.
well, they broke up, she broke up with him, then he called me sounding all happy.. blah blah blah..
then we were talking for a long time.. about 4 months after they broke up.. i took him back.. it was almost like we were together for 2 weeks then we broke up for one week, together for 2 weeks, broke up for a few days - a week. this process went on and on for about 3 months until we just didnt get back together.
He apologized soo much. he kept telling me he was sorry and everything, this was the first time I ever heard him really tear or cry or be sad or anything like that. After about a year, we were still on and off. I would take him back then feel like it wasn’t going to work out once the arguing got to the point of happening about every day or every other day.
well he changed.. he really did.. he loves God, and he played the kahon for a church choir. he didnt do stupid stuff like he did before, he didn’t steal ciggarettes to sell at school, he didnt burn books or anything.. he REALLLLLY CHANGED! im telling you, this was some total turn around for him.
But I changed too. I was so protective over my heart and feelings when it came to him.. and I didn’t really like hanging around him even if I knew deep in my heart that he changed. He was so good and soooo much nicer to me.. I swear..
Its been about a year and a half since him and “vancessa” broke up. I am not heart broke over it anymore.. not as bad as I used to feel.. but we aren’t together. He said he got tired of all the “crap” I was giving him, with all the on and off’s.. he said that he was done letting me play with his heart. I TOTALLY AND COMPLETELY understand him when he says this. I have been so on and off, wondering whether or not I wanted to be with him.. I didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life after they broke up.. I didn’t know whether I wanted to be with him or stay single forever. well he told me that I’ve had more than enough time to think about everything. and I know i have… but that amount of time wasn’t enough to get things back to the way they were.
Now, I got a message from his cousin.. she said “DIDN’T I TELL YOU NOT TO HURT MY COUSIN!?!?! I know what he did to you, but I think you’ve hurt him way more than he deserves! and now you’ve lost him.. FOR WHAT?! last night was the first time ive ever seen him hurt this badly.. He really loved you mo, and now all of this. I don’t know if you know, but I was in the same position as you. My boyfriend Greg left me for another girl, but I was strong enough to look past all of that, and it has only helped us become stronger.”…etc
well.. I guess i’m just not as strong as you. (I told my ex-bf this line that i guess im just not as strong as your cousin, and he told me I was so immature.
This letter is super long.. and I doubt anyone would read it all.. but my life is a mess.. and I neeEEDDD TO KNOWW… WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME?! I wanttt to be strong like her! ive triedddd forcing myself into the realtionship with him soooo many times! BUT IM NOT FEELING IT ANYMORE! i feel like im soooo horrible! Even one of my friends from highschool was on the phone with him and said that
“i’m just too much, nevermind just forget her! NEXT!”… For her to say that.. I feel that I MUST BE DOING SOMETHING HORRIBLY WRONG!…. i want to know what I really should do.. If he is right, pleaseeeee I ONLY ASK THAT YOU LET ME KNOW. I don’t ask for sympathy or anything, just for reallll opinions. Please…
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