This post left anonymously
My husband is suicidal.
He’s had PTSD since getting out of the military (before I met him), and probably before that as well, given what I’ve heard about his childhood. We moved into a new house in February, and he was laid off from his job at the end of April. Four weeks ago we found out I’m pregnant. I’ve been applying to jobs for him, but since he has too much anxiety to even fill out applications I don’t have a lot of hope that he’ll be able to hold down a job even if he gets one. He’s in therapy, but I very much doubt he is giving his therapist an accurate idea of what is going on with either the facts of our lives or his emotional state.
A couple of days ago I was using his computer to look up recipes, and typed “su” into the search bar. Autofill expanded it to “suicide notes”, “suicide by gunshot”, “suicide methods”, and “suicide by hanging”. I then checked his search history and found a lot more of the same, along with stuff like, “I hate my wife” and “my wife is a f****** c***”, which is awesome.
I don’t know what to do. We fight all the time, and I feel like I’m supposed to be holding it together but I just can’t. I’m not suicidal but I never feel stable anymore either. It feels like I’m always making excuses, always telling people it’s fine when it never is. My family tries to be emotionally supportive but I end up feeling babied and coddled by them when I try to share things like this, so I don’t want to go to them. I gave up on sharing things like this with my friends years ago. I can’t afford therapy - I can’t even afford our electric bill this month. I just don’t know what to do. I come home from work every day mentally preparing myself for what I’ll do if I find him hanging from the ceiling or just… gone. I don’t know what to do to help him.
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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