This post left anonymously
I don’t know what to do with myself.
My name is Daniel, used to be Danielle, I’m a 16 year old transman suffering from heavy depression and suicidal tendencies
I have suffered through years of harsh bullying, though growing up in a conservative christian town didn’t help someone like me. That coupled with the fact that I’m not the prettiest looking thing in the world got me shoulder-checked into lockers, spat on, ganged-up on and the **** kicked out of me, etc…
I have a couple of friends though, thankfully, but I’m so socially inept and my mood swings are terrible, making relationships for the most part strained as I disappear for weeks at a time. I don’t know why or how, but every once in a while, my mood takes a nosedive for long periods of time, lower than usual, to the point of thinking up ways to off myself with things laying around me.
My parents divorced twice, leaving me and my little brother with my mom who likely has bipolar disorder and constantly fought with anyone over anything and me coming out seems to be an excuse for her to send me over to my Dad’s house and out of her hair. As for my Dad, he was hardly there in my life even when he was living with us. He has since remarried a woman who is hell-bent on getting me to move out early.
The longest conversation I had with my dad was when he announced that what I thought was going to be a weekend visit over at his place was me moving in with him. The same conversation ended with “if you want to kill yourself, do it right the first time” Yes, those are his exact words.
I have tried to kill myself three times. The first attempt was trying to OD on pain pills, but I guess I took the wrong medication as I woke up the next morning in the hospital. My second try was when I hung myself, but the rope snapped. My third attempt was me laying on a road in the middle of the night after my Dad told me I had moved in. This one ended with somebody pulling over and pulling me off the pavement, asking if I was okay (strange people… caring about someone they’ve never met)
I’m convinced that there’s something severely wrong with me; I can hardly sleep, I binge on just about anything, I have dreams that make a bad acid trip feel like a walk in the park and I think I’m hallucinating certain things. Bottom line is I’m losing touch with reality and I can hardly talk to people as I’m a different person each time.
One reason I’m still alive today is because I ended up spilling my guts on my cousin/best friend since diapers. Turns out; we’re both feeling like absolute **** and made a suicide pact, though I’m not sure now that it was such a good idea. My girlfriend and my little brother are the only other two people that are keeping me tethered to this earth.
I guess I should give a reason for making something so personal if you’ve actually read this far. I’m spilling this here because I can’t take it anymore, I can’t stop thinking of killing myself, even with the weight of ruining three people’s lives that actually mean something on my shoulders, I want this to end and to finally be happy again, but I don;t know what to do. I’ve tried talking to my parents, but they’re so detached from me that they think I’m making this up for attention. I can’t get any referrals to anywhere because my Dad talked to my counselor and told him to **** off.
Does anyone have any suggestions for somebody like me? I don’t know where else to go and I really don’t want to go like this, leaving my girlfriend and everyone else like that would be such a **** move. Please help me, I can’t be locked up in a hospital anymore
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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