This post left anonymously
There’s no place for me anywhere.
My job is stagnant. Seems like everyone is moving up the chain but me. Been working this job for two years. In that time, two of the three people who’ve been hired to work under me have been promoted above me. I get paid a dollar an hour above the starting wage. But I haven’t been able to find anything better. I earn just enough to eat and pay regular monthly bills, but I can’t afford to fix my teeth, which are crumbling away in my mouth, or fix my car, which is falling apart and just got sideswiped while parked twice in the past two months.
I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. Like I have any skills that will get me to a place where I can live instead of just survive. Everything in my life is getting more expensive, and I’m getting less and less able to pay for any of it. I’m in my 30s and still working barely more than entry level jobs.
My girlfriend is distant. It’s been a year since we were intimate. Even in non-sexual ways, she never initiates anything. Never kisses me unless I move to kiss her, and then only a peck. Never holds my hand. Never hugs me. Never says “I love you” unless I say it to her first. Talking with her used to be easy, playful, but now everything lapses into awkward silence. I don’t think she’s cheating on me, and I know she’s under a lot of stress herself, but I sometimes think she’s waiting for me to break up with her so she doesn’t have to do it herself. I love her. Everyone I know loves her. But I haven’t felt like she loves me in a long time.
I feel like I’m constantly at the edge of losing everything in my life. Of being laid off, dumped, not being able to afford rent, of losing my parents, who are supporting me way too d*** much for my age…
For the first time in my life…I’ve started having thoughts of stepping off a rooftop or something. Not seriously. But the image flits through my mind occasionally now, and I’m scared. I just feel so hopeless. Can’t even afford therapy.
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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