Anonymous
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9 months, 3 weeks ago (20 minutes after post)
I think you said it — if he’s more upfront and “more of a man and independent”, he should be able to talk openly with you about what he wants and what you want. It sounds like you two need to sit down and have an open, honest conversation about your relationship.
Before you do that, though, I would recommend that you take some time to yourself to reflect about what YOU want, so that you can be as specific as possible with him. Do you want to go back to being in a committed relationship with him? Would you be willing to remain at a “complicated” status, with unclear parameters, until he feels ready to commit again, or would you prefer to just be friends? Do you have a time limit that you need to know by, or are you willing to stay flexible? Do you want to keep him in your life no matter what, or would you be willing to let go?
Once you have thought more seriously about these things, I would talk to him. Let him know how you feel and what you want, and then give him a chance to let you know, or to take time for himself to think it through. It sounds like you really care about him, and have been respectful of his needs, and if he is worthy of that then he will respond with equal care and respect.
Good luck!
I do really care about him and want to stay with him. I feel like im pushing to hard to make us what we used to be, but he is still kind of distant.. it makes me wonder if he does really care about me or our relationship. When we do hang out, he holds me like never before and he has even said he doesnt want to let go or even the moment to end. He is giving me mixed signals and i do not know how to respond. Would i be crushed if we broke up? of course! but i have come to the realization that it may end, but i wouldnt be as devistated because i took the break as a break up and already went through the pain. I thank you for your comment and it has made me think more about this. I am still unsure of what to think about this “new” version of him. there are things i like and things i dont, but that is always how things are. I am willing to love his flaws, but the question is, does he still want to be with me? Is he willing to let me back into his life?
Talking to him is a great idea, which i will definitely do, but this is to help me to understand what is happening. A trip into the guys mind, if you will. I just need people to help me determine if i am being to upfront or moving to fast? or if i am the problem and just need to back off…
if anything, i think you’re trying too hard to find a label. why don’t you just see what happens, unless you’re in a hurry to have something stable then i second going over your priorities first.
its not about the label, its about him being distant.. I guess i am more focused on losing him. I do not want to lose him, so i try to stay in the picture without being too pushy. I do not know how long he would like this break to last, but i want it to be over, but i am trying to honor his request and give him space. we have been through a lot as a couple and had a deep connection and also made plans for the future. I just do not want to destroy all that we worked for and all we are about. My life is how i would like it and the way it is makes me happy, but the only flaw is not knowing what may happen between us.. So i guess since i feel in order, all of my focus draws to this issue…
Anonymous
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9 months, 3 weeks ago (49 minutes after post)
Unfortunately, I can’t give you a trip into his mind (wouldn’t that be nice!), but from the way you describe it, it sounds like he is not necessarily interested in returning to a committed relationship with you right now. While your life is in order, his seems to be going through some serious, challenging, and confusing changes. He is unsure where he stands or what he wants, what is secure and permanent, and what is just temporary.
What’s more, it seems like he is able to get everything that he wants from his relationship with you as things stand right now (amazing times together, an understanding and a history that he doesn’t have to build back up again, a known chemistry and connection), without having to start from scratch or say how he’s feeling. As a result, he also doesn’t have to do the work to figure out how to make it into a committed relationship again. As long as you are willing to go along with what he wants and what he does, he doesn’t have any significant motivation to examine what he is giving, and what it means for you or how it is affecting you. Ultimately, that becomes unfair to you — you don’t know where you stand, and you aren’t getting your emotional needs met.
As long as you are willing to go along with how things are playing out now, I don’t imagine they will change. Unfortunately, I can’t guarantee that having the conversation with him will result in a renewed and committed relationship, but it is actually the only way you’ll be able to “get into his head” and get him thinking about you and your needs, and the relationship and its direction.
i do feel like he only commits when he wants attention, i feel like he calls me when he misses me but doesnt miss me all the time. he is slowing integrating me back into his life, so i feel like he is holding on to me because he wants no one to have me. like he knows what he is losing and doesnt want to lose me but is not sure if he wants to be with me. I know there is still chemistry between us, but i still feel like the more time he takes, the further apart we grow. I just dont want to lose him and the more time passes, the feeling grows. he told me the reason for the break is because he had so much to worry about that he needed to lessen the burden. He told me it was the hardest decision that he had to make but still cares for me. I feel like i am being led on but not sure where its going. My mind is full of all of these questions and no answers, and its probably a girl thing, but worrys and what ifs.
Before we initiated the break, his friends and i saw a change in him that was not pleasant. He became agitated quickly and snapped at people. He also became very distant and never wanted to do anything. So i knew something was up. He told me the next day about taking a break because he needed to blow off steam and didnt want me to be the victim. He told me about how he could treat his friends like crap but not me because he cared too much for me. thats when he told me he had too much to deal with and worrying about me made it too much.
All these things just keep playing in my head and make me keep pondering these questions. Should i move on or should i wait? should i back off or should i still make contact?
I know talking to him is the best thing, which we have, but its hard to talk about our relationship. I feel like if i bring it up, then he will end it. why? i do not know. I guess its the fear of losing him. He means alot to me and i used to mean alot to him. Talking to him would be the best thing, and i know it, but i need to put my mind at ease before i do, because i dont want to overwhelm him or myself
My mind is split into several possibilities and what may happen..
Anonymous
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9 months, 3 weeks ago (1 hour, 31 minutes after post)
I can understand your hesitation about talking to him. Losing him is a scary thought, and it is true that talking about it openly could result in a break up.
But it also sounds like you are taking on more than is yours to take. He has some serious issues that he needs to work through (especially if his behavior has changed — he may need psychological support in therapy to handle the trauma of what he has gone through), and you ultimately cannot decide what is right for him. He seems to know that right now he is not able to give you what you need and deserve, but while he can tell you that he is not willing to lose you completely from his life. The only thing you can control right now is your side of the relationship, and your own emotional health.
It is clear that you both care about each other a lot, but in this situation that is, unfortunately, not the only factor that affects whether you can be in a healthy relationship right now. As much as it hurts, breaking things off completely might be the only way to salvage what you have and (some day, if it’s right) get back together and create a healthy and renewed relationship.
yea i guess your right.. i think i am way overthinking this and more focusing on what i want to happen instead of just letting this relationship/situation take its course. He needs to discover for himself what he wants, and if i am not one of them then i need to just accept it. but then again, i can not just sit back and ponder what is going to happen, because it may never change. is there any way to help him? or get through this without breaking it off completely so he isnt devastated with another situation if this isnt in his original intentions? any thoughts or ideas as to how we can rekindle our love or make him remember why we are together and of all the good times we have had?
Anonymous
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9 months, 3 weeks ago (1 hour, 50 minutes after post)
I think if you let him know exactly where you are coming from — that you care about him, care about the relationship, but also that you recognize that he is in a different place right now, and realize that things will be different and you’re okay with it.
Ultimately, this break came from his fear that he would be a burden on you. If you can let him know that you want to be there for him, that you are strong and can hold your own, and that your relationship can (and should) be a source of strength not a source of stress for him, then you might be able to address the fears that are keeping him from being committed to you. You might also suggest that he find a support group of other people who have experienced loss — that way, he has objective folks in his life whom he can talk with about his feelings and who know where he is coming from, so he doesn’t feel to “needy” with you, and can control his aggression and anger as well. If he sees that you are there for him, that you understand him and recognize his fears, he will be more likely to want to make it work with you.
However, if he doesn’t respond well, that is NOT a reflection on you, but rather on where he is, and ultimately, as hard as it will be, knowing the truth will help you to find a way to move on.
so this has really helped me, thank you. I feel like im going to see where this goes, only for a little while, and then next time we hang out, ill ask him about it. we used to always be open and honest with eachother and now i feel like even though this may end what we have together, it could also mend what is left. I feel like he “changed” to not feel the pain of what has happened, as to suppress it. I dont know where he stands or how he feels about this, so it would be best to discuss it with him. I just didnt really have the confidence to do so because i couldnt decide which is worse- to know the truth, or lose him. Now i realize that fate will take its course and nothing will change that. He had the courage to confront me about taking a break, now its my turn to confront him about where we go from here. I just needed some guidance as to how to approach this and if it was a good idea or anyother way, which i do not believe there is. I have a feeling that once he sorts out all that he needs to, he will come back, but instead of pondering over this, it would be best to confront him. Let it all of my chest and feel better about this.
Anonymous
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9 months, 3 weeks ago (2 hours, 3 minutes after post)
Good! I absolutely think you are right! Good luck
Anonymous
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9 months, 3 weeks ago (2 hours, 30 minutes after post)
:) no problem. I’m here if you ever need to talk or just sound out ideas.
any ideas on how i can make him snap back to loving me the way he did? haha
I just wish there was someway i can trigger something within him to want to hang out with me again and never want to leave.. something that ties us together even tighter then we used to be..
I would offer you a couple of observations.
First of all, he doesn’t have much time for a girlfriend if he was doing poorly in college.
Secondly, when a relationship is right, it’s like putting on your favorite pair of sneakers: it just FEELS right. You are not wondering about this or that aspect of the relationship. You are totally comfortable with it. You know where the relationship is going. There is affection–consistent affection.
If this relationship were right . . . you’d KNOW it!
Anonymous
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9 months, 3 weeks ago (11 hours, 42 minutes after post)
Nope, no trigger that I know of…ultimately, if he is so far gone into himself that he doesn’t remember (especially after you let him know you are there for him, and spend lovely time together), then he is not going to be able to give you what you need.
The only thing I suggest is that you don’t be overly emotionally needy with him right now — he’s got so many stresses in his life, and is afraid of more. Work through your thoughts, and approach him with your fully thought out, secure, and TRUE statement of support, realization of the change, and specific expectations for the relationship.
ok so update… We are officially over, but he was too chicken to tell me. he told all his friends he was going to end it, and i knew he was going to. Well i finally told him that ill save him the trouble and told him that its over. But we have decided to stay friends, because we know everything about eachother. So now im single, anyone interested?? lol just kidding =)
monkichirmo
The Sherlockian