Better than expected?
I know that I’m lucky to not have lost a good friend in the ensuing chaos of about 2 weeks ago. But this is hard getting used to.
I still look at her as my girlfriend, and it’s tough viewing her as a friend again. And she tries to talk to me still, and I don’t have the heart to shy away because I’m one of the few friends she has left.
Talking to her used to be so easy, prior to when we started dating. And that flame just went out, I think. I struggle to find things to talk about with her - but I realize it’s because I just don’t want to.
It’s pretty selfish - its because I don’t benefit in any way anymore, and that I know I don’t want to waste my time.
Part of me wishes that she had never talked to me again. It’s not right for us to talk.
For instance, she’s coming back from her 10 day vacation tomorrow, and being a nice fellow, I asked her if I could take her out to lunch. I felt guilt since she had noted that I hadn’t initiated any conversations with her, and was wondering why.
Then she replied that she didn’t know, she had plans already to watch batman with another guy. I felt a spurt of anger momentarily - that shouldn’t be there. Why should I be angry that she’s doing something else with somebody else, especially if she’s not my girl anymore?
I concluded that it might not have been such a good idea to accept the hand of friendship. So I asked myself - did I do it because of her, or for my own good? She doesn’t seem to be the damsel of distress she plays herself out to be.
In any case, we had split because of distance - we’re going to different states for college. And she certainly took her time hinting that to me - around a week of sudden ignoring me, barely talking to me, barely giving me a care, nearly driving me insane. Which I find hard to forgive her for still.
I don’t know what I’m doing, but oh well.
Since writing this post Shigaku may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. Shigaku is a verified member, has been around for 3 years, 1 month and has 150 posts and 747 replies to their name.
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