I started dating my boyfriend a couple of months ago.
He was coming out of a relationship where she had decided she wanted to just be friends. They had been together eight years. I did not know this at the time we started dating and I went right into it as like any new relationship. He finally told me after he told her about me and she begged him to come back. And in a way, he did. For whatever reason, he never would let me go and I tried. Finally, he made a decision and told her that he wanted to be with me. A week later, she killed herself. The funeral was yesterday and he found out she was pregnant and she knew it. Although I certainly realize how selfish I may seem for being angry with him for lying to me, I’m angry with her for taking his baby from him. He is heartbroken. I’m at a complete loss as to what to say to him or what to expect. The suicide alone was tragic, now this. What can I do? Any input would be appreciated.
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I am a 58yr. mother and grandmother. This is a sad situation. I know with so much guilt and tradey involved your relationship will never work unless there is no heart or caring. A relationship can’t over come such a bad situation. People must be very careful when other peoples feelings are involved. You both must move on and try not to let it consume you. She should have let him go and hung onto the baby. You can never make someone love you when they don’t, but I am also old fashioned in saying that if she was good enough to sleep with she was good enough to keep. I told my son if he ever gets a girl pregnant he better be prepared to marry her. Or I’ll choose her and baby over my son for being illresposible. Again sorry for all this tradey, GB all and hopefully better choices will be made next time…
He didn’t know she was pregnant until after the funeral. I’m sorry I wasn’t more clear on that.
Very though situation - 1st of all I want to share my condolences to her family, to your boyfriend and to you.
And now forgive me, but I must be cold and blunt to relate to the truths in this situation:
- She took her own life and the life which grew within her.
in light of reason this means she was unstable sole and if your boyfriend would have chosen her, he would be living a nightmare. there are million of people who would take a very diffrent path in her situation. but this is unfair to judge anyone like that.. especially someone who is no longer alive.
- You and your boyfriend did nothing wrong - you both acted as any person would act and therefore there should be no guilt in any of you - yet human mind cannot be so cold and I understand that the guilt is there to stay.
Since a healthy relationship cannot be formed where guilt take a pillar position in it the only healthy thing left for you to do is break with him.
You need to tell him you want to take time off to let each of you heal from this situation. only afterwards you can restart the relationship again if you and him still wish for it. maybe there are other ways - but this is the only one I can see if you want a relationship without guilt.
I warn you that the alternative is to “so called” put it behind you and having her in your relationship forever - you do not need 2 dead people in your relationship, relationship is not a graveyard.
You are not to blame. He is not to blame–except for not taking the proper precautions . . .
When a woman–or man–says, “Let’s just be friends,” that is the death knell for any kind of romantic relationship. It has the same effect as Niagara Falls raining down on a birthday candle.
A death like hers is tragic. And, it is unfortunate, but she wanted to strike back at him from the grave. “This’ll show him,” she undoubtedly thought to herself.
She apparently did not want him back until he found you. It’s funny, but I’ve noticed that about a lot of women–they don’t want a guy until they think somebody else wants him!
If I had a girlfriend and she gave me the “just friends” thing, I’d be gone. I’d not spend another second thinking about her romantically. I’d turn off my feelings for her. That’s what your boyfriend did when she told him that. That’s why she couldn’t get him back. That’s why she wanted to get revenge on him–and you–by committing suicide. And she did, in fact, lay down a considerable psychological barrier for the two of you to overcome.
Your boyfriend will blame himself for her death, and for the death of the unborn child–and he should have therapy to help him get past this tragic event. And, yes, when people commit suicide, it can have an aggressive aspect–a punitive effect–as his former girlfriend’s suicide had on him.
I think the two of you need to forgive her, and to forgive yourselves for anything you think you did wrong. But, as I said before, she trotted out that “Let’s be friends” thing, and any decent guy is going to take that as “I’m through with you.”
Whether your relationship can survive this remains to be seen. It is not a given that your relationship will not survive, but it has made it tougher by your boyfriend’s imagined guilt.
Both of you should do your best to factor out this tragic event from your relationship, and see where you stand as if it had never happened.
Good luck to you both!
I agree that anytime a woman says “let’s just be friends” she’s 100% responsible for sucking it up when he walks away with someone else. That’s the nature of the beast.
At this point, there is no point trying to guess what was going through her mind or why she did what she did. The fact is that suicidal people aren’t thinking very clearly; they’re in too much pain or too angry or whatever to make rational choices. So there’s nothing for survivors to do except shake their heads and treat it like the tragedy it is.
She died. Doesn’t much matter how. The unborn child may or may not have ever been born; but when she died, so did he. Cry, scream, shake your fists at God, and then let the little thing go.
Try to convince your boyfriend to get some counseling if he can. No matter what, the woman had a part of his heart, and he needs to grieve. Nothing but time will help that.
Finally, you might want some counseling, too, to help you navigate the rough, rough road the two of you are going to have together for a while. It’s just not going to be easy, and there’s no magic cure.
ive written and rewritten this reply like 6 times now, all i can really say is im speechless.
“If you can’t be a good example, then you’ll just have to be a horrible warning.”
Unfortunately, stuff like this happens every day. You would not believe the number of people that kill themselves, or kill other people, because of romances gone wrong. You’d think by now that people would have learned to keep it in their pants, but I guess not.
There’s nothing I can say to undo the evil that was done. But you can choose to learn from this horrifying event, and let it be a warning. If people learn from this, then maybe, just maybe, this woman and her baby didn’t die for nothing.
do you love him?
Yes. And I read some of these and they tell me to leave him. But I just can’t bring myself to abandon him in his time of loss so deep.
pity is not a reason so stay with someone. don’t factor that into your decision to stay or go. you’ve been involved in a horrible tragedy, but it wasn’t your fault. you have no obligation to stay in a romantic relationship with him because of the situation.
can you see a future with this man? can you see yourself in a committed, trusting relationship with him? can you see each other happy and healthy, and supportive of one another? can you see him as a role model to your younger siblings or future children? can you make a commitment to love him forever and trust him completely? can he do the same with you?
do you think he can recover from this tragedy and truly love you for everything you are, without always wondering what life could have been with the other woman? he has betrayed your trust before, can he do it again?
I know his heart and it is good. These questions I’ve put to the side dealing with all of this. Thank you for putting them in focus for me. Today I feel more free. I pray he will one day and if not, I can’t allow this to run my life forever. I will give him time and space. He has a lot to sort out. He said last night he needs help. I absolutely support him doing just that.
i think what he needs most is help from a counselor. this is a lot to go through in a short amount of time. i personally think that although his heart may be good, he is in a very difficult time of grieving. and although there might be a chance for a future, right now i don’t know if there’s room in his heart for loving you in the way you deserve to be loved. he’s dealing with the loss of a best friend, the loss of his child, the loss of a romance, a family, a life that could have been. that’s enough to fill an entire man’s mind for a while. if you want to love and support him, then do what you feel you must. just understand, that it’s probably not going to be the same love that you had before, at least for now. it’s not the kind of love that is going to be 50/50, if you understand what i mean. he needs time to heal and resolve these feeling that led him to cheat, and the feelings of guilt that he needs to overcome.
if you understand this and are willing to wait, then perhaps your relationship has a chance. just be aware of what you are getting into.
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