friends help: Feeling stupidly devastated. - Help.com

My dear Anon, you have a very unrealistic view of life. Yes, you should have high standards. No, you shouldn’t commit yourself to spinsterhood because your first guy lied in order to get inside your pants.

Your guy friend wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. What he wanted at that moment was sex. And, as Seinfeld once noted on one of his shows, “Without lies, there wouldn’t be any sex!”

Well . . . not quite that bad, but awfully close to the truth.

Now, I think you kinda threw yourself at that guy. You came to see him, you brought presents, etc., etc., and he said to himself, “Wow! A nice girl just fell into my lap!”

Other guys with higher standards would have treated you much differently. And there ARE guys out there with high standards. You just kind of “settled” there, kiddo.

I am not condemning you. You are a human being. Like most girls, you thought that if you bestowed the gift of intimacy upon a guy, then he’d be yours. Uh-uh. It doesn’t work that way. If you bestow that gift upon a GENTLEMAN after you’ve entered a committed relationship with him, he considers it a real gift and it makes him feel loved, accepted and as if he is on Cloud Nine! But you cannot bestow that gift upon just ANYONE, and expect him to reciprocate with a commitment!

Now, you are not cheap, nor dirty, nor loose, nor promiscuous or anything like that. You are still a young lady with high standards and high morals. You made a mistake in judgment, but that does not make you a bad person.

What to do? First, forgive yourself. Secondly, forgive this guy . . . and then forget him. He’s not ready for a relationship with anyone. And I sense that he falls far short of deserving a woman like you.

So . . . keep searching, be careful in the future and don’t even think about this episode. You have just joined the ranks of billions of people who gave themselves to the wrong person.

You’re gonna meet Mr. Right very soon . . . so just forget about Mr. Right Now and you’ll be fine!

Hi anon!!

I’m afraid to say that this guy seemed to just want the physical relationship with you. I’m sorry you gave him such a precious gift as your virginity. Sadly, there are a lot of people who just want sex, and not a relationship, and he seems to be one of them. I would cut your losses, there is no point trying to initiate a relationship, he clearly doesn’t want one. You are hurt now, but there will be another man to come along who you will like, just take this as a warning, ans ensure you get to know they guy very well and ht his intentions are

Thanks for your help!
In fact, he and I have been friends for 2 years, and I had told him before how much giving my virginity to my future husband means to me. So I assumed he wanted to be that special man in my life…
I never thought that this friend would betray me in the worst way.

That makes it even worse, I’m very sorry he betrayed you like that, but from what he is saying - he doesn’t want to pursue a relationship. I’m sorry, it will hurt for a while, but eventually you will get to the place where you will want to form another relationship, and there are plenty of honorable men out there

Yes, I’ll try to stop thinking about this…
Thanks again.

unfortunately, in the heat of the moment, sometimes people think with their bodies and not their brains. i’m sorry that it didn’t work out the way you wanted, but if you want someone to commit to marriage with you, you need to do more than give them your virginity. a commitment starts with the heart, not the body.

it’s clear that he is not ready to commit to you, and he probably never will. he did not think about the consequences of his actions. and honestly, this is not a man worth committing to. your emotions for him are strong, but you know in your heart that this not a romantic relationship that has been built on trust, understanding, and respect. this was only sex, and he doesn’t want you to get attached.

disappointment like this will always hurt, especially since this is your first experience with a man. and you feel like nothing could ever feel better than it did in that moment. and you feel like you could never find a connection like that again. it will hurt, but over time it will hurt less, and you will learn to make the most of your unpleasant experiences and use them to build a better future.

next time, as others have mentioned, communicate with the other person about what they want out of an interaction. if you only want to have sex with someone who loves you and is committed to you, let them prove their commitment and demonstrate their love. as sherlock says, make them earn it, don’t just give them everything they ask for. love isn’t just saying “i love you”, it’s showing it.

i know you feel called to help those in need, but i think right now you need to focus on yourself. this “relationship” is marked by betrayal, false expectations, and disappointment, and it will continue to hurt you as long as you hold onto it. we think that we can fix all interactions by saying and doing the right thing, but sometimes the best choice for everyone is to walk away. this relationship with this man is hurting you. he wants you to pretend like it never happened, that he didn’t take advantage of your trust, that you don’t feel the emotions you have inside. and that isn’t good for you at all. if you want to take the steps to recover from a broken heart, you must separate yourself from his influence.

What a waste of a wonderful life it would be if you did’nt live …..and all for that creep who used you! I would not waste a moment’s thought on him.

Yes, you were not very wise in allowing him such intimacy and to assume that he loved you and would marry you. Men like him are a dime a dozen, using vulnerable women and moving on.

And that is exactly what you should do. Move on, move right out of his life …….. unless he realizes that he loves you and wants to marry you in order to have you back in your life.

And remember, there are plenty of other fish in the pond. Just because you gave away your virginity to this creep … does not mean you should go into hibernation for the rest of your life. You made a mistake…. we all make mistakes of all kinds in our lives, we cannot destroy our lives by hanging on to those mistakes. Take this baggage you have and off load it and move on and be happy.:)

Yes, this guy wasn’t worthy of you. You associated with him for two years, but didn’t really know him. And you were doing the pursuing, not he.

But these things happen. We get disappointed. I had a wife who left me and our four-year-old son. Talk about betrayal . . . I know what it is to be emotionally devastated.

When you find that “true love,” however, the wounds will be healed and you won’t think about the jerks you’ve encountered.

Break off all contact with this guy. He proved that he wasn’t good enough for you. Next time, send out “cues” to guys in whom you are interested, and let them respond. Don’t chase. Don’t go “all out” like you did before. Don’t enter into intimacy casually or on the spur of the moment.

And believe me, when you meet Mr. Right, there will be no question about your virginity whatsoever.

I thought he had fallen in love with him, but now I see that he just wanted a “friend with benefits”.