life help: I am losing my husband because I can not tell him I have put us in deep debt. - Help.com

Gather your courage and tell him. He should hear it from you.

I have to tell you that financial abuse is just as bad as verbal abuse. It destroys your partner’s peace of mind, ruins his reputation and credit, and puts the family’s future in doubt. This kind of abuse absolutely destroys marriages. I know–I had a spouse guilty of financial abuse.

Now, if you want to save your marriage, you are going to have to do the following things:

1. BEFORE you talk to your husband TODAY, you must cut up your credit cards and vow to buy NOTHING on credit whatsoever.

2. You must get an appointment with a counselor. No, not a marriage counselor. This is a problem YOU brought into the marriage, and it’s up to YOU to deal with it.

So, when you talk to your husband, you are going to tell him the following:

1. I realize that I have really screwed up, and I am sorry.
2. This is not anybody’s fault but my own.
3. I have cut up my credit cards and canceled my credit accounts. I will work with my creditors on a payment plan.
4. Because I have finally admitted to myself that I have a problem, I have already scheduled an appointment with a counselor to get help.
5. I love you and I do not want to lose you. I realize that I have betrayed your trust, and I am sorry.
6. I am not buying anything else on credit, and I won’t buy anything over $50 unless we both agree on it beforehand.
7. I am going to get job/another job and do everything in my power to climb out of the hole I have dug.

I must warn you: if you promise these things, but break your promises, you might as well kiss your marriage goodbye.

Debt is the new slavery . . . get out of it!

In addition to chev… er… the sherlockian’s excellent post! - Currently your choice is :

1 - not tell your husband and lose him

2 - tell your husband and MAYBE lose him

The choice is yours

I absolutely agree with the Sherlokian. Great advice.

Think about it this way: is your husband a money bag only for you or you actually have feelings for him? Do you love money more than your husband? Did you marry him only for providing you money or because of his qualities? You already admitted what you had done wrong. That’s step one. Now turn around and tell your husband. He needs to know. After all he is going to find out sooner or later.

IF you approach him with a contrite heart–AND a plan for curing your spending addiction–I am sure that you will keep him!

I know you’re scared for a variety of reasons and since the above posts gave you what I agree is good advice from a relationship perspective, I’ll address another aspect. Separate from whether your marriage survives you have to start restructuring your financial life immediately. It’s overwhelming to imagine how to live within your means when you’re accustomed to behavior and habits that have extended beyond your income capacity. Now you have the extra responsibility of living within your “new means,” a reality that requires most of your disposable income be applied toward debt repayment. Put yourself in financial boot camp, which means if you don’t NEED it don’t buy it. Give up every indulgence, guilty pleasure or splurge of any kind, including: Eating out, buying coffee not made at home, eliminating salon shampoo, not even thinking about getting your nails done until debt is repaid, etc, etc. It’s harder than it sounds, and if you don’t start immediately your debt amount will not only become exponentially worse but your husband won’t have any reason to believe you when you say you’ll change. Don’t expect or allow your husband to take on any debt related responsibility (Including the administrative side,)you can figure out on your own. Don’t expect or guilt him into maintaining the same rigidity you must maintain for yourself. From here on out discipline is the name of the game, hopefully you’ll be exercising that discipline with your husband by your side! However, if that’s not a possibility you can’t allow the dissolution of your marriage as an excuse to postpone your debt plan.

P.S. Don’t let him catch you feeling sorry for yourself.