This post left anonymously
Maybe he’ll love me if I’m dead.
VERY long story….but I’d really appreciate it if you can read it all and help me out.
Hi….I’m 18, fresh out of high school. I have a pretty….broken family. I live with my mom and younger brother. My dad has another kid with a different woman who is 2 years younger than me. She lives with him. I was my dad’s first child. I was born 3 weeks early, while my siblings were all normal births.
I was never pretty, even as a baby, I was ugly, and I’ve always had hormone problems. Because of that, I developed early, WAY early, was very hairy, and had a very low metabolism, so I put on weight very quickly, and it was near impossible to lose. My dad was only around for the first 2 years of my life (as told by my mom), which I don’t really remember, and as soon as my younger sister was born (my mom didn’t know about this for many years and my brother was born many years after, and found out shortly after that), he seemed to stop coming around.
I never really saw him growing up. In elementary school, he never came to my performances, middle school….the same. High school. He finally told me how he felt about me. I’m really dark skinned, short hair, fat, and ugly, and my only talent is drawing. My sister is a nice tan color, thin, has long hair and is very pretty, and she is really good at singing and dancing.
My dad constantly calls me fat. He is always telling me to loose weight. I was being called names in school because of it, and when I went to him about it, he told me that if I was skinnier people would like me more. But when a rude girl calls my sister ugly and SHE goes to him about it, he tells her not to listen to them and that she is the prettiest thing in the world. When my sister comes to my school, people are surprised to know that she is my sister. They things like, “What happened with her?” and “Why is she so hideous?” I try to make it look like their words don’t bother me. But I’m crying inside.
He constantly calls me stupid, and I would always try hard to make him happy. Despite, getting into Advanced Placement History, Advanced Placement English, and Advanced Placement Art, he continued to call me stupid and that I would get no where with my useless talent (my dream is to be a video game concept artist). My sister wants to be a professional singer and dancer, and he supports her with all his heart. I even won first place in a few art competitions…my dad says I didn’t deserve it.
All the harassment drove me into depression where I started cutting, thinking about suicide, and taking drugs. All I wanted was for people to like me. This all happened during my senior year. I attempted suicide about 3 times, and was placed in the psychiatric hospital for a couple weeks each time. I missed a lot of school, and I was failing. The way it looked, I wasn’t going to graduate. My dad continued to call me a failure. My sister was failing most of her classes and she gets nothing but praise. I get a B+ and it’s the end of the world. In the end I worked REALLY hard, and was able to graduate on time with the rest of my class. I told my dad, and said that I would really love it if he came to the ceremony. It would mean the world to me. He said he would come. I was so happy to hear that.
At the ceremony, I was looking for him in the crowds. I saw my mom, but my dad was no where to be seen. Turns out he never came. He was INSTEAD at my sister’s final choir performance (we went to different schools). When I finally see him, he doesn’t even congratulate me. I cried myself to sleep that night. He never wishes me a Happy Birthday, never invites me over for the holidays, yet he always buys extravagant gifts for my siblings. I don’t want ANYTHING. All I want is for him to say he loves me.
For other things, he doesn’t call my mom, so he calls me to speak to my brother. Every time he calls, I get this little shred of hope, and think that maybe he actually wants to talk to ME. I get so happy. But nope, he only wants to talk to my brother. Doesn’t even say hi. He’s always calling asking to spend more time with my brother but never me. My brother and sister always go fun places with my dad and they never invite me. I feel really left out and lonely.
I can’t shop in the juniors department because of my weight, and I don’t want to wear those frilly plus-sized clothes, so I have to shop in the mens department, and the shirts are either too big or to small. I have to go with the bigger size which makes me look even fatter.
My sister has this awesome relationship at 16, and I’ve never even had a boyfriend or girlfriend (I’m bisexual), let alone an actual friend (the “friends” I did have only use me so that they looked better by comparison, as soon as they got boyfriends or popular friends, they were gone)…no one likes me. They think I’m ugly, fat, talent less, stupid…all of which are true… I’ve tried so hard to loose weight, I have so many health problems. I don’t want to be me anymore. I just want someone to like me.
Though my mom loves me to death, I feel like an unwanted child. Society hates me, my own dad hates me. Even I hate me. I haven’t left my house in days because I know people are only going to hate me. I want to be pretty and thin, and I want people to at least know I’m there. But right now, I’m hurting so much…that I just want to die. I’m sick of my suicide attempts failing. I just want to be dead. Maybe people will like me if I weren’t around. Maybe my dad will love me if I were dead…. I seriously just want it all to end. I’m sick of my pathetic life…
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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