friends help: I have Bipolar Disorder I and was hospitalized several times last year for increasingly serious suicide attempts. - Help.com

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Of course you are not alone. You have family and friends who provided support to you while you were recovering from a difficult time. Even though you were not happy with the attention, they were there for you.
I think you should tell your doctor exactly what you have told us. Ask your doctor to help you plan for how to get through this new challenge without alarming your family and friends. New treatments for Bipolar Disorder may be available and if they are not for you right now, they may be in the future.

Far from alone. But why do you not want to inform those most willing to help you?
That seems counter intuitive.

So basically now that the supposedly unwanted attention is gone you feel depressed again. I think you are actually yearning for attention and your suicidal tendencies help you get it. Why not find another way to attract attention?

Dye your hair red and get a face piercing then ask the people that stare at you “what are you looking at?” Pretty much exactly what you are going through but much safer…

Dr. Ralph wrote:
So basically now that the supposedly unwanted attention is gone you feel depressed again. I think you are actually yearning for attention and your suicidal tendencies help you get it. Why not find another way to attract attention?

Dye your hair red and get a face piercing then ask the people that stare at you “what are you looking at?” Pretty much exactly what you are going through but much safer…

That’s pretty much why I put the purple streak in my hair last week. You should have seen the look on my granddaughter’s face. Priceless!

One thing I learned is that when it comes to the hardships of depression, bottlenecking the problem is super bad. Like right now, I want to be left alone but because I am alone, I wish someone was there to talk to. The person I want to talk to and understand me is in a foreign country. So my best bet is distraction and interaction with those that love me. I sometimes feel like I am wasting their time but I think its worth the bother. I have a network of support that includes my doctors, my loved ones, the suicide hotline, and God. God is always there and doesnt roll His eyes at my admissions of hopelessness or that I am going through the same thing over again. This sentiment I can feel sometimes from some of my loved ones when they have reached their limit of emotional baggage that is not their own. Regardless of what your situation is, you should prepare yourself a support network so things dont become bad. I am sorry you feel depressed and I know the hopelessness that you will be this way for life…but you are here for a reason. Try to find hope in hobbies and worthwhile endeavors. Sincerely an equally hopeless depressee…..

Good job ventura. ^^^^ :)

Thanks for your responses.

I have considered whether attention-seeking is driving my depression, but I think it is more complex for me right now. I have had Bipolar I for many years, but my family only recently learned of it because I moved back to my hometown where they live and their learning of it after my hospitalizations was unavoidable.

My dilemma is not that I don’t think I receive enough attention or support from them when I am not depressed. Rather, I have now regained their trust and positive attention because I have been well for some months. Although I have started to feel worse again, I much prefer to continue receiving the positive attention for my good qualities and being equals with them in our relationship. If I reveal that I becoming depressed again, their cycle of worry and monitoring will restart and I don’t wish that for any of us.

I feel terribly ashamed of my personal weaknesses and depression. But the thought of sharing that part of myself with anyone again for any reason, let alone to manipulate them for the sake of attention, is devastating to me. I would rather maintain the appearance of happiness and forever hide the awful dark part of myself from everyone in the silence of my mind.

I appreciate all of your responses and respect your opinions. From most of your responses, you seem to understand what I am experiencing. And who knows — maybe I will dye my hair anyway! I will pray for you and ask that you pray for me too. Thank you.

I am so glad you came back to your post. You explain your situation very well. While I understand your concern for how your family and friends will react to you during your periods of depression, are you considering how much love and attention you are providing for them? Nobody goes through life without troubles. Wouldn’t you be first to show up if one of them needed support from you? Giving and receiving attention is an important aspect of any relationship. Go with it.

By the way, your sense of humor comes through loud and clear. Thinking about you with freshly dyed hair gave me a chuckle. Thanks for the gift.

I think you should talk to your family. The longer you hold it all in, the worse it starts to feel.

I have depression and go through this cycle where I can tell I am starting to get depressed and I try to act like it will go away. Then I start feeling worse and don’t want to say anything and just deal with it on my own. Then I continue to feel worse and worse. Then when one day I will tell my husband that I am feeling “blahhh” again, and since we have been together for 19yrs, he understands what I mean by “blahhh”. When I am able to talk about all the crazy depressive thinking I have been experiencing, I start to feel better. I start working on pulling myself out of the depression. He doesn’t have to do anything but listen to me talk. Talking about it and keeping it out in the open, helps keep it from taking over your thoughts. When you say these thoughts out loud, it helps you see how wrong they are. Helps you understand that it is just depressive thinking and not the truth.

Take a moment to be thankful that you have people who care about you. Thankful that you understand you are bipolar and have a understanding of what is happening to you. You are in a good position, dont let your depressive thoughts tell you any different.

c-eek wrote:

Dr. Ralph wrote:
So basically now that the supposedly unwanted attention is gone you feel depressed again. I think you are actually yearning for attention and your suicidal tendencies help you get it. Why not find another way to attract attention?

Dye your hair red and get a face piercing then ask the people that stare at you “what are you looking at?” Pretty much exactly what you are going through but much safer…

That’s pretty much why I put the purple streak in my hair last week. You should have seen the look on my granddaughter’s face. Priceless!

Did you really?

Anonymous wrote:
Thanks for your responses.

I feel terribly ashamed of my personal weaknesses and depression. But the thought of sharing that part of myself with anyone again for any reason, let alone to manipulate them for the sake of attention, is devastating to me. I would rather maintain the appearance of happiness and forever hide the awful dark part of myself from everyone in the silence of my mind.

You did not manipulate us for attention, but you did just tell a whole room full of strangers. I would think being able to reveal this to family would be easier not harder. If we could reach out and touch you we would do so. Please tell your family honestly what is going on. Or do you also wish to become hospitalized again?

I’ve been thinking about what you all have said. I certainly do not want to ever be hospitalized again.

However, I’m realizing that there is another layer of complication that makes me reluctant to tell anyone again. I myself do not trust what I am feeling. I’ve been on the depressed-manic train for so long, it’s hard for me to tell when I am depressed versus simply sad. I know that I don’t feel happy or even blah right now. I definitely feel sad, but how can I distinguish between normal sad and depression anymore? I don’t feel suicidal, so I at least know that my depressive or sad feelings aren’t as severe as they have been.

If I risk telling my family and friends or my doctor that I am sad, won’t they also be quick to conclude that it is depression which warrants the attention and worried interactions I don’t want? I guess life is confusing for everyone. My family never shares problems with each other and I don’t want to again be the “sick” and “weak” one who needs to be protected. That’s the risk of sharing any feelings with my family at all.

That is a constant struggle isn’t it. Always having to question “Is this a valid emotion to be having. She this situation be making me feel this way. Is this a normal feeling for this situation.” It gets tiring always having to question your own thoughts and emotions all the time.

I used the burns test to help me know where I am on the depression scale. http://www.suicideforum.com/bdc/index… When you answer the questions, you want to think about how you have been feeling over the past week, not just how you are feeling right this moment. Becasue moment to moment you may feel better or worse. But if you look at how you have generaly felt over the past week or two, you will get a better view of how your doing.

I can understand why you are reluctant to tell your family but always tell your doctor or therapist. Let them ask you questions so they can help figure out if it is a depressive episode are just normal sadness.