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Hey everyone some advice would be very appreciated.
Im 18 years old, A couple of years ago, I was dating the girl I’ve had the closest relationship ever with. We dated for almost 6 months. She was the star softball pitcher, Christian, innocent, and beautiful. Myself, I was an emerging star on the football team, went to her church, and showed her all if the love I had in me. An example would be, “no other guy has made me feel this way before.” She was very happy in general and really me and her just got along really well. It was far from liking each other because of our I guess you could say popularity, I believe a lot of people admired us by the positive way we did things on and off the field. But that wasn’t the base of our relationship, we just had a very close and personal relationship, texted pretty much all the time but weren’t controlling at all. The song Airplanes had just came out and that was kinda our song, she would send me texts while I was at work saying “I could really use a wish right nowwwww:)” We had plenty of inside jokes, fun times, and care for each other. Before we dated I saw her as a girl that was out of my league, so I felt very proud to hold her heart in my palms. Before we started dating and we’re just talking I wasn’t sure if she liked me because she’s very nice but the day my parents got divorced I asked her and got a positive response. She was there for me through the divorce and a few weeks later her grandma passed away so we both leaned on each other. I began smoking weed recreationally, doing it with my bro for some fun. I was able to keep the golden boy image and flawless persona after I started smoking. But soon enough I began to buy care as much. Summer started and she was frequently traveling to softball tourneys, and whenever I wasn’t working out preparing for football I was blazin. **** smoking made me feel even better about everything I had going for me aside from my patents breakup. But once we started seeing each other about once every couple of weeks, the fire began to die out. I would try to be upbeat and very positive through text and started to get the vibe that she was beginning to get annoyed of it. When this became the norm I stopped trying pretty much. She called me out one day for not giving a **** about our relationship and it resulted in our first argument. I called her that night and decided to break things off, it was really hard to do but at the time it is what I wanted. I started to smoke more and my kindness began to become cockiness and I believed I could easily pick up a girl just like her whenever I wanted. We remained friends and a few weeks after the breakup she cracked and texted me wanting to come over and we hooked up. We never for anything more than making out because I respected her too much to try anything more.when she left I knew I wasn’t going to see her again. A few months down the road she had heard rumors of me starting to smoke, and questioned me. I denied till I turned blue and a coupe of weeks later she texted me from a random number pretending to be a random girl and got the answer she was looking for. I was ashamed but also angry that she had gone to such a great length to find out the truth. This officially broke off the friendship. A few months later,I saw she had gotten a new boyfriend. Football had just started for me so I did my best to focus on that and move on. We ended up chatting a week or so later and she admitted to me that she didn’t like her bf that much and to quote her, “I’m having trouble moving on because what we had was so special.” She broke up with her bf and we started to talk again, however I wasn’t very committed and would sometimes not respond to her texts. She was fed up with me. Another 3 months down the road she began dating a volleyball player. No offense to the guy but he was rather ugly. People were telling me she had certaintly downgraded from me. I didn’t see the relationship lasting long, but they dated for a year. About 9 months into their relationship I told her I was sorry for all the mistakes I had made and that I realized I had made a mistake in not giving her my love. She was touched but it was pretty obvious she had given her heart to this guy. Shortly after my father passed away. She reached out and it was much needed but it felt more like friendly pity. I visiited her at work one night with a friend of mine and we hit it off really well. Kinda like we did when we dated. I left her a huge tip and she mentioned her parents didn’t like her bf. I thought there might be a chance, I was being delusional. I maintained my distance and a few months later her bf cheated on her. I had a gf at the time but I reached out to her and she seemed to be happy I was there. Being there for her also showed me how much she loved the dude. She talked about notes from him she had hanging on her wall and that she was very upset by the breakup. I had a girlfriend at the time so I was in the friend zone. We Skype chatted the night I broke up with my girlfriend, about 8 months ago. We had a really great conversation, venting about our mishaps with our ex’s. I had been suttle up to this point but when we ended it I texted her saying she looked really good. Where normally I would get a thanks, she replied so did you. This revived my hopes.i attempted to edge closer to her but was insuccesful. She was still heartbroken from the last guy and now thought of me as just a good friend. I practically gave up when she began to not text me anymore. We would make plans to hangout and it would never work out. It hurt but I respected her decision. I skipped my last class to go see her one afternoon and we had her house to ourselves. We talked and talked but nothing serious so I knew for sure there was no chance. She went back to school and found another bf. my drug use had deepened at this point and when she was home on break about 3 months ago I visited her at work with my friend and I was a wreck. I was so happy to see her but was very nervous and had trouble talking to her. I left a good tip again but i just knew I had made a pretty big fool of myself. We had plans for her to come over for dinner after my graduation and it fell through. Texting began to get awkward as I simply didn’t know what to say to her, even just to hold a conversation. I knew how she felt and was moving on. I was diagnosed with depression a few weeks later and was feeling so terrible I texted her saying I was sorry for overstepping my bounds, it was me feeling overly guilty for no reason but I said it anyways and she was a little confused. I then told her I was going to do everything in my god given power to change and be the sweet and compassionate boy she once knew. Also said all I ever wanted was for her to be happy, I had said this when she broke up with the last bf so I don’t doubt that she caught onto that. She was glad to hear this which brightened my day, however since then nothing has changed. Yesterday was my bday and I got a text from her saying happy birthday william :)and I replied with a thanks :) I feel like it was just a friendly text but **** I miss her so much. I so badly just want to at least be her friend again and now it’s like she doesn’t really respect me or take me serious. I would really like some advice guys, I know I really don’t have a shot but I care about her so much I think about her every day. I keep havin flashbacks to when we were dating and when I think of how much has changed in the last two years it blows me away.. This was a very long story and I’m sorry if I’ve bored any of you to sleep but some opinions and advice would help me dearly. She seems to love her new boyfriend(football player at her college)and I feel so distant from he almost like I don’t exist. Thanks for reading and I hope you can learn from my mistakes.
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