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Thousands of griefs around me,thousands of unsolved solutions.Thousands of memories.Thousands of hurts from dad! Thousands of wishes those are down now.
Now when I search a hand I get none.
I like to show myself very very strong girl.Like nothing hurts me.I need no one.But inside I’m dying here to get some one.Not a gf-bf thing.
Some one to help me & mom! Seems crap I am writing these.
I remember my dad laughing with his colleagues making fun of me!
I remember wen he called one after one of 40 colleagues & blamed me for no reason!
I remember wen cursing me at each point I wanted some help from him!
Wen cursing my mom!stopping her by my name!
I remember every time how he lied to me!
I remember the words he told “aghh…she is a black girl.Ugly.”!!!
He never liked me until he understood he is not gonna have any more child.Bad luck!
So then it becomes I’m the one.So much mystery starts again.
Thank god I have my mom.She is so beautiful.All men used to fall in love with her in her college.But she is so wonderful by heart too.Amazing!!!
She supported me every time.But couldn’t tell me every thing all time.
She ever told me so beautiful.
I know I’m not ugly neither I’m so beautiful.I’m just cute.Yes,I’m black & I love my color.Truly.I thought about it many times & the answer is yes,it’s not bad.I don’t even bother for color.
Yes no guy fall in love with me in my college but that’s really okay.I understand they want whiteness.But I want greatness.I didn’t find any guy like that,so I didn’t fall in love with any guy even.
I don’t feel bad for these.But it hurts wen MY dad tells “you are never good at anything”.I know I’m good at many thing. He’s never gonna confess that.
Huh..he curses me.Which dad do it?He ever makes me feel like I am a heavy load on him.But my mom bears all my expanses!!!
I think he is sick.All we want is a happy family( my mom & I) & hope he will understand one day..but it never happens.
My mom is a real straggler.She looks after her mom who’s 87 yrs old,wen I come home then me,and wen dad home then him too.She helps some families too.Got no rest in her life.Doesn’t hear me.
She’s been telling me since some days “what will you do if I die?”& no answer.
Huh…what a life!!!
None to grab my hand & tell don’t worry,every thing will be alright.Nothing more bad is gonna happen.
So many bad things have happened already.Can’t tell every thing.
And my laptop is may be also quitting.My mom gave this one.But now she won’t be able to give another one & huh… dad is not gonna give me one.So I’m going to disappear from net too ( may be).Not gonna get any more help from net.
I understand my mom is really hurt & sad inside.But she can’t tell me.She is always like holding her griefs inside her.I understand.But I can’t do anything for her.
I can’t make this is happy family.It’s all dad’s fault.He is not good by heart.
I don’t know what to do.I know answer will be like “time will pass by” But…is that enough???
This open post was written 9 months ago | V/U/S: 422, 5, 4 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post
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Padre J Roulston
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