I keep watching things on abusive relationships, I just got out of one. - Help.com

You already are recovering because you got out of one.

Its hard because I know he is bad for me, but I miss him and love him so much. I still feel like its my fault. Like if I did things differently we could still be together.

What do you love about him if he were abusive to you and if he is bad for you?

The high points were so high, so amazing. The look in his eyes when he would look at me, makes my heart soar. Even though he was abusive I have no doubt that he loved me. He’s just messed up, and needs a lot of help.

was he your first love?

No, but I loved him more than Ive ever loved someone else

We were together for four years

Go beat up a teddy bear. WWF that little mfer. Off the top ropes! UHHH.

that must be really difficult for you. it’s normal to feel sad and miss him, but that doesn’t mean you should go back, and it doesn’t mean that you aren’t recovering. heartbreak is something that takes a long time to understand and let go, especially in such a long relationship. there’s no cure for heartbreak, but the feelings that ruled your heart for so long will fade in time.

someday you will experience love as intense in that again, but with someone who can truly cherish you without hurting you. even though it may seem impossible.

i don’t really think looking at abusive relationships will make it difficult for you to recover. searching for the answers is important. why you stayed, why he hurt you, why he wouldn’t change, and why you left. understanding these questions will help you see your relationship from an outside standpoint, and help you move on in the long run. and hopefully arm you with the ability to never let it happen again.