This post left anonymously
I just needed to post it, somewhere.
Two years ago, i met the most wonderful, perfect, intelligent, vulnerable man. He’s a little older than me, and he’s quite successful. He’s a singer in a band, and I wasn’t a fan because I hadn’t really heard of them much, but he used to babysit one of my friends when they were little. We became great friends, the best of friends. He was so wise, but vulnerable too, sometimes he’d come to me in tears over something, a bad break up, or some trauma from his childhood (most of his family died many years ago and he struggles with it) and i’d comfort him. When i couldn’t deal with things, he was always, always there for me. Always.
We had a closeness I’ve never known before, not ever. We had a mutual friend, who he dated for a while, and after they broke up, he took things pretty tough. I tried to put them back together, but it didn’t work, and so i almost every day talking to him, being there for him… and I will never forget the day he promised me that, despite never being able to honestly say this to anyone before, he would always protect me, if I called on him. He said, behind his daughter, I was the most important person in his life…
Well, a year ago, I made a foolish mistake. We were talking about how life is short, and if we aren’t happy, we have to make ourselves happy before the chances passes us by. I couldn’t say it, I couldn’t say those three little words, because I honestly believed that a man as wonderful as him could never say them back to me. Instead, I said, ‘I could have loved you.’ And he took a moment before he said ‘I could have loved you too.’
It was the wrong thing to say. His girlfriend broke up with him, and aborted their baby, and he broke down completely. I didn’t even know when he’d gone, he just said goodbye to me, normally one day, and left. According to our friend, he asked if I’d ever be available for a proper relationship, she’d said she wasn’t sure, and apparently, he’d made up his mind by then.
The thing is, I always loved him. but how could I possibly tell him, when i honestly believed he was someone more than human, something beautiful beyond my reach? I’ve tried to contact him, but i’ve never been able to properly achieve it. When his album came out this year, I didn’t buy it for so long, and when I did, all I could do was listen to it and cry because, after all this, I still can’t hate him. I can’t move on.
I’m in a relationship now, with a wonderful man, who treats me really well, and makes me happy… but I wake every morning that not him, nor any other man will ever make me feel that sense of completion. Before him, i never believed in such things, but now… he gave me purpose. It was like I was alive just to be with him, just to be his, even if I was watching from the sidelines… I don’t think he’s happy, from what I see of him in the media. It’s like watching a car crash in slow motion, he suffers, and I know I could help him, but it’s too late now. I just can’t find him, can’t travel the miles, make that contact…
I had to write this here because, well, it’s got to the point where if I see him on anything, it haunts me. I only think of him. I can’t deal with the thought that I’ll never know that sort of happiness again. Before him, I was just beginning as a person. With him, I lived… and there’s only existence left now. he had such a beautiful soul, he was like sunlight… and I’ve lost him. A year on, and it still feels like i’m grieving. I don’t know what to do. Living without him is an agony I didn’t know could exist.
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