just writing whats on my mind
most of you all ready know all this so i guess this is just to help me process things better and organize my thoughts.
so this whole situation with my so called friends is completely dragging me down. it started in mid jan when we went to a party. this guy kissed her and then felt my butt. i didnt know him but i worked with him so after that we got talking and stuff. he asked me out on valentines day and i said yes coz my friend always said she hated him after. we started a relationship and it went well but we was both jealous, anything i said about someone else he would fly off the handle and fall out with me, and i was the same coz my friend always said that he said this or that or she was cute or something. and i think she liked him coz she always seemed to be around him even tho she said she hated him. anyway we broke up and u was still friends with her thinking nothing was really wrong. then a month or so later i asked her a question about him. she seemed ok to talk to me but then the next day she completely ignored me and did for weeks. she fell out coz apparently i was rubbing it in her face that i was with him, and i wasnt.
so after some weeks of not talking she said she wanted to be amicable so i said ok, then a few weeks after that i reported a guy for harrassing me. then she fell out with me again and everyone decided that i deserved to be harassed coz my ex felt me up at the party and i didnt report that. anyway we didnt talk for about 2 months and she came up to me on tuesday and said that she wanted to be amicable again. so i said ok but i didnt really want to talk to her. anyway on wednseday she posted some status or other on facebook and it made me think that shes found something out about me, then blocked and deleted me.
so now im left here wondering if shes found out about me sleeping with her new best mates boyfriend (they only became friends when we fell out) or if ive done something else. i just cant be bothered with it. i dont care that we’re not talking, i just dont want her talking about me to everyone else. this girl has more ups and downs than the himalayas, one mis she posts that she ‘loves lyf’ an hour later she hates it. shes selfish, immature, 2 faced, fake and jealous but everyone loves her and not me. why?
and i have conflicting emotions for this guy i slept with, i really like him, i hate seeing him with her, but he’s kinda boring. and he’s a cheat, but somehow i feel like i love him, but i know i dont. and i get jealous when i hear that they go buy furniture and stuff together. why does she get to have a normal, happy relationship, move in with him, get cats and stuff, shes only 20 and hes 28. im 24 and never had a proper boyfriend that lasted more than 2 months. shes nothing without him. if she didnt have him she wouldnt have a job, she wouldnt have moved out, or have friends even. everything comes easily to her. just just turns on the babyness and everyone gives her what she wants. ive never heard anything nice about her but everyone seems to love her. it drives me insane, i have to work hard and abide by rules and work for what i have. and i have nothing. theyre so happy together, and he’s happy. why does he get to be happy and i get to sweat over wether people have found out about us or not. why am i getting all the **** from this and he gets nothing but happiness
2 years ago i fell out with my cousin, well, she had a tantrum and fell out with us really, its too long to go into but now i feel her 2 sisters arent talking too, i know one isnt coz she listens to her but the oldest one could make her own mind up. i feel like i need someone to turn to, i have no one, the only person i could talk to freely is helen but i dont know if i should call her. shes off work coz she had a baby 2 months ago so i dont know if i should bother her. shes like a social worker but higher up and i know she could help but i dont want to burden her with this. and i dont think she’d want to see me anyway.
and coz i have no one to talk to i keep turning to my ex. idk why, he hit me and was mean but i keep wanting him, his hugs were the best, i felt safe. but he doesnt even want me anymore. i just feel alone and desperate.
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