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Nothing interests me anymore.
From the ages of 10-16 I was very much into theology, language, writing, music, poetry, books, politics, history, and video games. When it came to video games I was more interested in the stories themselves and not in the actual gameplay; they provide me no such satisfaction now. I would spend hours reading poetry, absolutely destroying whole books by John Keats, Wilde, Whitman, Byron et al; anymore poetry conjures no feelings within me. My political stance drifted from the Authoritarian right to the Libertarian right and then to the Libertarian left- as of late I’ve become increasingly pessimistic regarding anything having to do with politics, previously the main driver of my passions and my raison d’être for going to college. The study of history and of civilizations (I had a special interest in Yiddish and Germanic folklore) is quite the same as the others. Theologically speaking I have never ceased to consider myself a Christian, but my emotions in respect to scripture and sermons are mute. I have felt nothing towards God despite my prayers for some feeling, any indication of mutual relationship. I used to spend hours pouring over Hebrew grammar books trying to break into the language to facilitate my reading of the scripture but that too provides nothing. At the age of fifteen I purchased my first accordion and became rather proficient at it but now it bores me.
And so my days come and go. I’m a nineteen year old sophomore Political Science/History student who spends his Tuesdays and Fridays studying topics he doesn’t care about for reasons he can’t give. Part of me would like to quit college but I would be even more depressed and disinterested in whatever work I could find without a college degree. I have a girlfriend but I feign so much of what I do with her I feel horrible after we hang out- I genuinely care for her but I’m so emotionally dull I feel like she’d be better served with someone else.
I have enough of a mind to know pursuing wealth is an empty endeavor (in case you were thinking that if philosophy stirred nothing within me maybe materialism would). None of the other programs offered at my college interest me, possibly with the exception of
I’ve tried utilizing my college’s counseling program but the counselor himself isn’t equipped to tell me anything other than “this will pass.” I have been dealing with this emptiness for the last three years of my life. At one point I thought I could do Nursing, because “hey, I might as well do something where I’m helping people if nothing else interests me.” I dropped the introductory Biology class after one semester because my brain is sincerely not wired to handle that subject matter.
I’m in such a rut in every sense of the word. I’ve lost my creative and artistic libido. I strive for nothing and I root for nothing. I cannot pickup a book anymore without succumbing to such malevolent feelings of emptiness. I am, with to hesitation, calling myself a wholly empty soul.
What advice do you have to give me?
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