Is there any chance for a reconsiliation? Why did she break up with you?
No I don’t think so. She said she had determined she was no longer in love with me and has now already started dating (started dating just weeks after we split.)
did you learn anything from the relationship? think about the good stuff that came out of it. If you learned anything, it’ll serve you well when you finally meet the one who is best for you, who you are compatible with, and who you’ll be super happy with
Sometimes i think that the physical aspect of love jsut isn’t enough, because that settles down after a while. i’m almost for arranged marriages, because that doesn’t become a factor, and you just focus on compatibility and friendship and then love is building a life together, and working towards one goal… yknow?
I’m certainly a much better person now than I was five years ago and I’ve learned a lot from the relationship and in reality she’s done some very bad stuff to me. (I’ve since learned she was probably messing around with this new guy before we split.) But even with all of that, the pain is still, at times, crippling. I’ve never felt this alone.
:’( i know how you feel. I just broke up with my boyfriend (of one year, not 5 like u, but i’m assuming your pain is 5 times worse…) yesterday. it was really rough. our relationshpi was shakey, but we’re addicted to each other and still really care about each other but just HAD to break up cos we were both miserable. It’s like you build your life around somebody, you have this cherished ideal of love & commitment, and an outcome for the future… and then you just get left all alone and marooned on an island… then you ask, what is there left to do? it seems like you have no other options, and you’re just totally alone… you think there’s none of that where it came from….
but i have faith that once i gather myself up, i’ll find a relationship better than that one… and maybe, i’ll be able to stand on my own two feet and not even need a relationship. maybe i’ll be so in touch with myself that i dont constnatly look outside of me for a connection… cos i’ll have a better connection wtih msyelf and an idea of who i am, without the relationship… co syou start defining yourself by your relationship, y’know? anyways. thats my rant.
Eacoyle, We were just writing to you to tell you that your relationship ended because she found someone else she wanted to date. We are happy to hear that you grew on a personal level during this relationship and when you find the right person for you it will be clear that this relationship helped you prepare for Ms Right. We know it hurts horribly, almost like grieving at first. However, as soon as humanly possible begin doing fun things to keep you busy and fill the void. Once you have nursed yourself back to health and feeling good about being you then begin to look for another. Do you have close frineds or family that you can share your pain with?
First - thank you emmy. Sometimes you are right, you feel like you are the only one in the world feeling this pain and I feel like when I look around everyone is happy and in relationships or at the very least, happy and comfortable in their own skin. It’s definitely where I want to be. I wish you the best in your heartache too.
CandP - unfortunately, you are right and for a period of time that made it easier because I was angry and that is easier to deal with than the empty void of loneliness and longing. I have been doing all the things you both suggest. Going out with friends and yes I have plent of friends and family that I share my pain with it’s just sometimes it doesn’t feel like it’s enough you know?
i guess it’s just one of those things that heals over time, sorry to say. relationships affect you so much, and it’s such a huge loss when the main person in our life is gone… but humans evolved to adjust :)
Eacoyle, yes we know first hand, many times. The good news is it will end for sure. That is unless you choose not to let this go which would not be in your best interest. Besides time passing another great healer can be the power of reasoning with yourself. When you are feeling especially down because you seem to be the only one in the whole wide world without someone reassure yourself that it is temporary and does not imply that you are not worthy at all. Secondly, when you are really lonely and missing what you had with her just remember that the her you had that with is no longer around. The her that is around now possibly cheated on you after a 5 year relationship and is that the type of woman you would want to spend another day on? Why would you want to punish yourself? You are not a bad guy, are you?
yeah! we should be happy it didn’t last! because, she was tricking you and making you think she was somebody else (that is, the love of your life) but she was just imitating someboyd else.
This is really an amazing thing. It really shrinks the world. Thank you all for being so supportive without even knowing me. CandP - no I’m not a bad guy at all I want very much to find someone who lives life like I try to - by the golden rule. You are COMPLETELY right that the person I knew is no longer there and it’s in many more ways than you even know about. I don’t want to punish myself and I’m hoping that with time I’ll find a way through this. It just happens at times the tunnel feels like it has no end.
Emmy - thank you you are right, so right, she was imitating somebody else.
I hope as I work my way through this I’ll be able to come back to this site and hopefully cross paths with you both. You have made me feel a little less lonely and I hope you all feel some satisfaction and happiness in that. You have done a very good thing and I greatly appreciate it. Thank you so much and I look forward to talking to you all again.
I’m a female and I agree you should be celebrating because you didn’t marry her, What would have happened if you married her and she was messing around with the person she is dating right now, would you divorce her or would you keep the marriage, I think your a lucky man not marrying her. If the guy she is dating betrays her and she wants to get back to you decline her because she did not respect you or the relationship between and for the loving care for your self. Move on don’t even think about her it will only be a waste of time and don’t be hateful wishing her the worst, just move on and meet new people.
I’m really working on doing just that. Eventhough I miss her (or who I thought was her) I do know that it’s best for me to move on but it’s a really hard thing to do when it feels like almost everything in your life is a reminder and that includes the future which I planned on spending with her.
Eacoyle, we could offer you more specific advice if we had a more in depth background of what kind of relationship you shared for 5 years. We have an idea of what you wanted and what you planned for but what about her? Knowing what you know now, would you say she was as much involved in the relationship and where you planned on taking it as you were? What did her behavior demonstrate to you all along? At what point did you sense that a possible end could be in sight and when you did were there talks about it? Did she ask things of you that you were not willing to give?
She absolutely was as involved as I was. Literally 2 weeks before we split up she told me she wanted to set a new date for the wedding and the night before we split she bought us tickets for a vacation together. As for behavior that indicated there were issues, about a year and a half before this happened we went through a real tough spot. Was I completely free of doubts? No. There were times when she seemed to really unplug - especially physcially. As for asking me to do things I wasn’t willing to - no. The stuff he asked me about where things I inherently knew I needed to fix and have fixed most of them through counseling and being true to myself, etc.
Eacoyle, we all know how painful being on the receiving end of a break up can be and usually is, however, you are now almost 3 months into this process and still in much pain. The question to you is “At what point will I have suffered enough?” One of your options is definately, “I will never suffer enough.” Would we recommend this? NO! What part of it seems to give you the most pain? We would guess that she is dating someone else gives you the most pain. What do you think?
That is really a fantastic question CandP. I’m a big analogy person and I guess I would explain it this way…
Well, it’s like going out shopping for a house and you have this ideal vision of what your house will be and then you come across the house that although it doesn’t give you the immediate “YES! That’s the house!” feeling you were expecting it still has a lot of what you were looking for – but because they don’t let you just try out houses and the market is so competitive you buy the house. Now the house is fine and it’s comfortable enough, you start to settle in and view it as home (even though still you don’t view it as THE ideal house you were looking for) but then, one day you come home and your house has burnt down. A lot of the stuff you had in there was destroyed. This was the house you saw yourself living in (even though it wasn’t completely the ideal home you wanted) for a long time. And you find out that the reason the house burned down was because of poor craftsmanship, bad wiring, etc.. That’s all good to know, but it was still your house, as imperfect and at times not satisfying as it was and now it’s gone.
Eacyle, great analogy, however the question to you is this “How long am I prepared to live homeless because I was so content in that house that I was settling for?”
I suppose that isn’t really a question I have the answer to or even the ability to answer. I don’t want to feel homeless a second longer than I have to but I think this stuff is supposed to kind of run it’s course. I do believe I can be more than ‘content’ in a new house I can be happy, really happy. But I guess the question I would ask you is how do I start finding a new place and stop thinking about the old one?
Eacoyle, The point of all of this is the fact that as helpless as you have been feeling your feelings about this experience are all grounded in your perceptions. The only way out of this state is through reason. If you do not reason this through in your mind to an understanding and conclusion that you can live with, what will happen is eventually you will find someone new and your ex will always be right in the middle of it because you never completely dealt with her. In other words, your future relationships would be doomed to failure. How would you feel if your ex came to you and told you she never got over her ex and the whole time she was supposedly in this relationship with you she could not stop thinking about him? Would you then be able to see that you were in the relationship and she was in your relationship with her ex in her hip pocket, waiting to whip him out in her mind any time she felt like it and saw no reason to share that with you. Could she have devoted 100% to your relationship? NO. Would you then understand the failure that was inevitable? Why do you need to understand all of these things. She was obviously not your soul mate, however, should you encounter your life partner next and blow it because you never finished this other relationship in your mind, that would be a travesty, don’t you think?
That’s a fair point CandP. But I think I can honestly say that when I find the right person that won’t happen. I think that until recently the vast majority of what I’ve missed are the things that you get from a real, long term relationship. I think I associate those things were her because she’s the only real long-term relationship I’ve ever had. It hasn’t been until real recently that I’ve started to struggle with being reminded of her in places around my house or other things in my life. I miss her as a companion as much as anything I think. Does any of this make sense? I’m sorry I feel all over the board right now.
Eacoyle, you sound like a wonderful guy and you will make some woman very happy some day. What stage of life are you in anyway? The fact that you recently began to struggle could have been initiated by the knowledge she is dating someone else. Think it ties in? We know that hurts. It all makes sense. Those are your feelings and perceptions that belong to you and you alone. No one can ever tell you they make no sense or shouldn’t hurt anymore. That is your job alone to make those decisions. We were merely throwing out several other perspectives or questions to ask yourself to stimulate contemplation in you. We fee for you Eacoyle and would love to help you lessen your pain. It is very healthy that you did not try to bury all of this. Consider us your landfill for burned house debris. What would be most beneficial to you right now is not sympathy, even though you feel you need it most. What is best for you right now is to be able to reason yourself through this pain in a self enhancing way because you deserve it. You give life a lot of thought and effort and for that alone you should commend yourself. She did not deserve you.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again CandP, you have a real big karmic reward coming your way. Your thoughts and well wishes really do seem to pick me up when I’m at my lowest points. This I suppose, brings me to another area that makes this a little more difficult. I’m 35 and worry about being alone forever and not finding someone to share my life with. As for whether it was the ‘other guy’ that brought on these feelings, I don’t think so as I’ve known for quite some time now but the mind and spirit work.
Eacoyle, you have plenty of time left to find MS Right. We hunted for each other for a long time. It’s only a matter of sorting through a couple of billion women, that’s all! lol! With your sound mind and attitude we think God will guide you to who you are looking for. Do you have any children? Maybe take them to the park. If you don’t have children maybe go to the park to contemplate. There is always library’s, grocery stores, support groups. You take care of your end and you will see with much broader vision when you are ready. Just make it a point not to let loneliness or desperation choose your next mate.
CandP - do you mind if I ask how old you both are? Are you doctors? Counselors? You have a very calming and balanced air about you (if you can get that through the printed word.) As for me, no, no kids. But I do have a Chocolate Lab who I adore. She’s like a daughter. I think another thing that is making stuff difficult for me at the moment is that I’m ‘away from home’ and that is always my sanctuary if I start to feel these things.
We are old enough to know better! We are retired casino dealers. Carol was a paramedic on a large metro fire dept. We are just a couple of souls connected to Our Source that affords us some inside info so to speak, with a mission to help as many as we can. Would you like to see our pics from our anniversary road trip last week?
You both look very happy. If I may ask, how long have you been together? Have either of you been married before? Personal questions I know so if you don’t want to answer them I completely understand.
we just celebrated our second aniversary but have been great friends for 7 years. We both have been married twice before with our children from previous marriages. Paul, two divorces. Carol, one divorce, one death of spouse after a very long ilness.
I just wanted to say that I think it’s obvious you are a smart, sensitive guy with alot to offer the right woman. And while I know your current pain is at time unbearable…eventually, you will be so much better off and I know that you know that. The pain of heartache is so debilitating though. It makes you look at everything out of focus and sometimes is just completely unbearable. You seem to be headed in the right direction though! And thats huge.
Phillippians 4 4:7
4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
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crazy but this just happened to me ,known her 11.5 yres been enganged last two ,and just like that its over ,has a new dude ,got one barely a week after we broke up,now I know she cheated on me while we were together.You invest so much and get kicked in the teeth instead.I thought of sucide but life is so much better even with the bad things people do to you.
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CandP - I certainly hope I can be as lucky as you two. You’re an inspiration.
Staceyl - you are very sweet, thank you so much for the very appropriate and very kind words. Truly, it is really great to be able to share your thoughts and feelings and have people there, to listen and share their experiences, thoughts and feelings in an effort to help. It’s really a wonderful thing.
How are you tonight, Eacoyle. Lucky? We are a testament to perseverance!lol Thank you for the kind words.
Oh, don’t get me wrong - you can’t have luck without perserverance. It’s like the lottery - can’t win unless you buy a ticket. I’m doing OK. Currently just hoping to be able to get out on a flight from Boston back home. Big storm has rolled in.
Hello eacoyle, I wanted to respond to this question you wrote: how do I start finding a new place and stop thinking about the old one?
My world changed when I took care of my dying aunt during her last month of life. I saw a working family with all it’s greatness and weakness and I witnessed what was in my oppinion the most perfect death. A long time married woman passing with her husband, 3 children and their partners and children all touching her and telling her they loved her the moment she took her last breath.
That moment turned my world around. I broke off a ‘never should have started’ 4 year relationship, grieved heavily for that and the way I’d chosen to live my life at that point and then jumped into dating many men…learning about what I wanted and what I really dreamed about.
I was motivated by that death. I knew if I kept living life the way I was I was not going to have the death I just witnessed. I did and am doing everything in my power now to have the most perfect death…it starts with a life well lived.
Thanks for asking the question…it reminds me that I chose to put myself where I am and must continue to do what it takes to build my best path to my perfect death…
E, it is better she broke it off before the marriage than for her to realize that she was unhappy 20 years into the marriage. I have known too many people who marry people for the wrong reason. Everything will be ok.
I know you are right, I know that the fact that she has done what she has done means it was not meant to be but the heartbreak and the loneliness does not know that. I suppose it broaches a bigger question - would you rather be in a relationship that is comfortable but not completely happy and fulfilling or would you rather be alone, a bit lonely and having no guarantees about finding someone that will make you happy?
My fear is to end up in a relationship that is comfortable, but not complete. I worry that this fear is going to cause me to remain alone. The fact that you loved someone so deeply means that you can love. Some people are not capable of falling that hard, but falling down hard and getting back gives you the strength to fall in love at a deeper level next time if you don’t let fear get in the way.
I hope you are right maximina. But I must tell you, I think everyone is capable of feeling love you are definitely going to. :)
I know I am capable. Actually I don’t know what my problem is. Everyone is capable, but some avoid it. I have been in love and I thank god that I had it once. I think some people go there whole lives with out truely being in love and that is more tragic than being alone in the present.
Yeah, I’m not so sure about that at the moment. But I hope in time I will.
i was in a four year relationship it does hurt but what can we do if the person doesnt love us anymore. even if we ask for a second chance if he/she doesnt love you anymore then all you have to do is forget the person and call it a history.
it took 2 years for me to recover but i never force myself to forget him coz i feel like if i do i will miss him more. i did what i want to do even if its embarrasing. i ran after him and after 2 years i get tired then he came back but i dont feel anything from him anymore.
i know its difficult but do what you think is right.
GOOD LUCK!
Eacoyle, in reading your post I’ve found many parallels, uncanny ones. My ex-girlfriend left me after 5yrs, we lived together for the last four. She revealed that she did not love me anymore, I moved out and within 2 weeks she was seeing someone else.(she was 36, I was 33). I have never confirmed she was cheating during the last months, but I have my fears. During our relationship we expressed our mutual love quite often. We had similar professional goals, interests, and a great physical relationship, although she was able to “unplug” too, as you put it.
By far, this was the longest term relationship I have ever had, so like you, I associate many things with her. I did not get the chance to ask her to marry me(I regret this terribly), but we had discussed our future dreams, home, family.
We spent much time together, and were quite inseperable(probably co-dependent to a fault). She was my companion, friend and for lack of a better word, my soulmate.
Of course, like you, I am devastated, regretful, and sad. This experience has crippled me, I have suffered much rethinking my mistakes, my flaws, how I could have prevented the events. Unfortunately, I have taken on the burden, that the outcome was something that I could have controlled and prevented. She has only contacted me 3 times since leaving me, once to wish me a happy birthday, and two for financial advice(I used to manage her investments)
There is one important thing to note: She left me three years ago :( Much 2 long for anyone to suffer and punish themselves. I have been on many dates, been in a several short term relationships since. There is one common theme, I compare them all to her, and invariably all my relationships are doomed. I still think of her daily.
I pray that you don’t fall into the same place I have gone. I wish you the best.
Chitown - there is indeed a great deal of similarity in our situations and my heart really goes out to the pain you continue to struggle with. It’s now been a bit over 4 months since my relationship ended. I do still miss her but the pain isn’t quite as acute. With time has come learning as well as increasing clarity. There was a great deal wrong with our relationship and more than a few things with her that she just wasn’t willing to work on and I really think that a relationship that stops evolving, stops surviving. Now, admittedly, knowing that doesn’t lessen the longing or the pain a great deal but it does help some in the short term and in the long term I think it will really help.
You and I both must turn our focus inward. We’ve got to focus on ourselves and finding a way to obtain happiness and contentment and self-worth that is free from dependence upon another person. Of course it’s easier said than done but it is possible and we’ve got to believe that happiness is out there for us because otherwise, what is the alternative? We think we will never be happen again and we resign ourselves to a life of empty heartache and loneliness. It’s time for us both to realize that there literally countless ways to have a successful happy and fulfilling relationships and looking at every person and relationship in a comparative light with our previous one is not only counter-productive, it’s illogical. Look at it this way, if you were building a house that was beautiful and huge and the only house you’d ever known but it was made with materials that were sub-par and the house collapsed and took everything you thought you knew and loved with it, why would we want to go out and build the exact same house again? We’ve got to take the great things we loved about that house and then fix the things we knew were wrong with the old house and build a new one.
Yeah, I know that was my second house analogy but it fits. :) As they say, home is where the heart is and for you and I, these women were home for us for 5 years of our lives.
I’d like to stay in touch with you if you are interested - there is a great deal I think we could share since there is some much that is similar. I’ll come back regularly and if you’d like I’ll figure out a way and we can exchange email addresses. I’d like to help you as much as I possible can. After all, we’re in this boat together! :) If not, I understand that too and wish you all the luck and remember, you’re not alone in this and you’re definitely not the only one going through it.
Sorry about your girl, but cheer up there is always the right somebody out there for someone!
Thanks Post it!64 I hope you are right.
hope u realize it was alot better now
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That’s still a bit tough to answer I’m afraid. Because I still have the odd day when I struggle with the memory of who I thought she was and the life I thought we had.
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