lonewolf01 changed the tags on this post: they were "marriage, computer, mathematics, college, passions, love, addiction, Design, Graduate school, Month" 2 years, 7 months ago.
“and I like everything she does. Also, she does things I dont like (talk to her ex-bf as a friend) but I would never tell her to stop, we’re grown adults. “
you need to realise that you are conflicted. and understand that just because 2 people love each other, that does not alway mean they will work out as a couple.
you need to take some time and come to grips with your feelings, not just react to what is happening.
on the other hand, part of love is trying to make each other a better person. when desrcibing why she does not like your gaming, you write it off as she just doesn’t understand it. maybe she really is concerned about the time you put into a fantasy world, from her perspective.
you have a lot to think about, and you need to think about it. some people will say don’t change yourself for anyone, but i am here to tell you that i have done it, and still am reaping the benefits, even though i am no longer with that person.
I can understand why a woman would not want her man to be involved in something addicting. It is not a healthy relationship pattern to have with anyone or anything. I would venture to say that if you were in her place you would see it that way too.
As for the math and computers…you have a real problem if the woman you love is against you doing the things you are good at just because she is not. That is a serious insecurity and it can easily spiral out of control.
Changing for her (and do we ever really “change” or are you just reluctantly giving up many things that you like) is obviously not enough. To her committment isn’t about trying to make the other person happy or being willing to compromise. I don’t know exactly what her idea of committment is but she doesn’t leave much room for anything remotely passable.
It is possible for two different people to grow together in a loving relationship and compliment each other because of their differences. But in order to do that you need to be willing to accept the other persons difference.
Save the $600 until you sit down with her and determine exactly what the issue is and if it’s possible to work with.
Good luck!
if you cant be yourself its not worth it my friend, don’t dig yourself a deeper hole because you were hanging on love. Nothing in the world is worth being unhappy when your middle-aged and have children with a person you find out you should of never had children with, and never should have married and cannot understand why you did not allow yourself to truth your gut when you were having your doubts for the hmmm 10th time. your damned if you do and damned if you dont. but the ex b/f thing is bad, if anything ever goes wrong they automatically do what is natural and fall on what held them up before…
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just for a follow up. like i said, people will say “don’t change, don’t comprimise” my ex insisted that i stop running with the criminal set. i told her it was harmless, and she needed to accept me for who i was. i never commited any crimes (with them) they were just my buudies.
eventually, she got her way. about a week later, the “friends” i had stopped hanging out with broke into my moms house, not knowing it was my mom.
so, sometimes, the people that love us, want what is best for us, even if we don’t see it. living life by blind principles is just as bad as blind hatred.
Lonewolf, is your username sending a subliminal message to all of us? When you say gaming on the computer, what type of gaming are we talking about?
i missed that candp. i am slipping.
AKS, you are not slipping, you were merely concentrating on those great replies you were composing.
Just for further detail, there are things that she will do that I’ve asked her to stop, and I get the “why should I have to change?”
I’m all about compromise, I’ve taken a month away from gaming to show its not an addiction, and I’ve done easily. Gaming wasnt an escape as much as it was something to do. Most of the people in the math department are married, so they have their own things, and I dont want to worry her by going out, and outside of her, I dont have many people to talk to since moving, so I used that as a way to just have some sort of social interaction (ya its not as good as goin out, but you get stir crazy with nothing to do). The only times I played was when she wasnt here (she lives close by, but she can only visit on weekends), or when I’d get permission when she played one of her games. Other than that, we always go out, or stay in and watch movies since we live in a small town.
I’m a very relaxed person. I feel that as young adults, who love and trust(or should trust) each other entirely, that I have absolutely nothing to worry about. She goes out to sorority meetings, outings, and just out and about with friends, and all I have ever said is be careful and have fun. I havent bothered tryin going out because she got jealous of a friend in the department that I had (and subsequently had to drop) who was also a girl.
My name is something I have used for about the past 10 years, which then it was because I was lonely, but now just because I like the way it sounds :)
The gaming I did mostly was online gaming, from counterstrike: source, ultima online, to World of Warcraft. I also played other games, Prey/FEAR/Quake4/Command and Conquer, and some console gaming which she was into (kingdom hearts mainly)
I appreciate all your help!
;D lonewolf, we want to help, if we can. how about some feedback?
sorry, the replies don’t always come out in order.
like i said, i think you have a lot of thinking to do. if you are desribing the relationship accuratly, it does not sound healthy. it sounds a little one sided.
maybe you should tak e the time to write down the pros and cons of being with her, and some of the inequities in your relationship. this will help you see things more clearly.
Lonewolf, glad to hear it is playing games as opposed to gaming as in gambling. If you two are seriously considering a lifetime commitment to each other you both have a lot of work to do. To get married in the mindset and perspectives you are in right now would be very self destructive. If you both want to share a truly happy and fulfilling lifetime together you must begin entertaining the concept of the two of you creating an “US”. There is no I or Me in US. You would put her wants and her needs before your own 24/7 and she would want to do the same for you. In that mindset there is not “Pity Pot”, manipulator or controller in the union. As far as the ex bf goes, if she is in love with you why does she need to stay close to her ex? Not a good idea.
If I were you, I would read the book, “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman. One of the love languages mentioned in that book is quality time. If that is your girl-friend’s natural/primary love language, then she might subconsciously feel threatened by your gaming.
Alternatively, she might consciously think that by gaming, you aren’t putting her as the number one priority.
Question: Do you prefer gaming or spending time with her?
If you prefer gaming (which from your post and actions it doesn’t appear that you do), then she would be right to feel threatened.
If you prefer spending time with her, then try to do that instead. I know it’s harder than it sounds, but you have nothing to loose if you try.
My perspectives come from home, the whole usual dad was controlling mom couldnt go out deal. I dont think I have a right to tell her “No you cant do this.”. I do give input, I’ll tell her what I think about it, but I do feel she’s old enough to decide for herself as to how best to run her life.
I’ve always been for compromise, but when we have a disagreement, she more or less shuts down and either won’t give her input and “pout”, which aggrivates me to no end. Or she’ll break down and say she’s horrible, promise to change but never do.
Shes not all bad. She is a sweetheart, and I know she means well, but there is that respect/trust thing I dont feel sometimes that hurts the most
@candp: when u say the mindset and perspective you are in, is that directly at me, or to the relationship “us”
@tek: When she is here, she gets ALL the attention. I love spending time with her. I used to play when she was around, but when she said she had a problem, I stopped playin around her, and only when she is at her school, but then that became a problem, and she wants it gone entirely, which I feel is unreasonable.
Lonewolf, it went to the both of you and consequently the mindset and perspective of the relationship or US that the two of you are creating.
Lonewolf, what is her reasoning she uses when asking you not to game whether she is with you or not?
She doesnt like it, and I spend too much time doin it when she’s not there.
Wow…you’re a grad student, and you have time for a girlfriend and all those computer games?
Well, idk…maybe spend more of your time researching instead of playing games, if you like your research. Or ask your gf what she wants you doing instead. Maybe, if she can’t think of something, she’ll realize she’s not being fair. Or, she might actually be thinking of something she wants you to do and just not saying, in which case it would be great to know.
I’m doin good in my classes, and research isnt too awful bad. I’ve asked her before what I should do instead that meets why I play (entertainment, someone to talk to, and a challenge), and there is no response.
again
maybe you should take the time to write down the pros and cons of being with her, and some of the inequities in your relationship. this will help you see things more clearly.
and just so you know, because i don’t think you see it, and no one else has mentioned it, you might have a little anamosity toward women. just a bit, and subconsciencely only, but some of the things you say show a certain judgement that you are not saying on tthe surface of your words. maybe this came from your upbringing. some of that stuff gets in your head.
you say this girl is great, and then paint here as an un responsive, demanding, jealeous controling etc. etc..
you say she doesn’t like what you do because she does not grasp the math?
she “pouts” i won’t make a list. but maybe the problems are not as one sided as you are saying.
I think the best advice I can give to you is pray, Take some time and pray about it and ask her if you two can take some time just to sit down and talk things out.
In response: It’s not because she doesnt grab math. She has flat out said,”dont talk to me about math or computers because I dont like them and I dont want to know about them”. And when she left tonight she said “no more talking about computers”, and I’ve asked her, “so you dont want me to share with you the things that I do enjoy” and she flat out said “no”
The “pout” is when we’ll be arguing about something, and literally she’ll lie down on the couch, curl up in the fetal position, and will not talk/discuss/or listen.
The main thing we fight about is us getting engaged/married. She has said she sees the relationship as **** near perfect, but I see these things, and our failings in communication, and I would love to work them out, and she thinks they are BS (her own words), and compares us to her friends who are engaged (all of which dated 3+ years before engagement).
That sounds like she wants to control the whole relationship. is she willing to compromise with you on other things, even little things? One of the big reasons for that is insecurity, she isn’t secure if she can’t control things. It could be that she is that way because she is afraid of getting hurt. I had to deal with this sort of thing with my wife and we have been together for 11 years now.
Sometimes she’ll compromise, and others she won’t.
She does want to control everything, and the whole gaming deal is the first thing I’ve stepped up and defended myself. We’ve compromised on little things like what movie to watch or where to eat, but never on anything big. She has said that its “games or her” which seems to me very demanding and unfair.
I personally think it is you can’t expect a person to change everything in their life for you. I agree with what was said earlier, that you need to really think about things. a relationship is a two way street. You don’t need to put yourself in a place where you are doing all the giving and not getting anything in return, because that is only going to hurt you in the long run.
Do you have an Aim account?
I’ve stayed away from games just because I felt there were better ways to invest my time. Maybe your gf feels that it would be better for you if you were doing something else and is just trying to help you, using your relationship as leverage.
Although I feel that would be the wrong move to make on her part, maybe it is time to just give up gaming. Maybe commit to not buying any more games or playing games that you’ve bought and just playing demos (that works for me since I dislike console games anyway). Ten years from now, I bet you won’t regret it if you give up video games. But if you don’t and break up, or even if you find a way to not break up but still play, it’s a serious possibility that you’ll regret not having given it up in a couple years.
Alternatives that I enjoy: art (just try drawing some things, maybe find an online tutorial or two, maybe learn to use GIMP), music (learn to play an instrument if you don’t already), writing (fiction/creative writing).
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I enjoy and do other things besides gaming. Usually I work, but if I’m not doin that, I love reading (read the whole chronicles of narnia in 6 days). I’ve never been a good writer, and painting is something I did, but didnt like too much.
When I’m home usually I help on the farm, and in turn learn some of the finer details of farm life. I love listening to the radio, especially financial peace. The drawing I do, is more technical. I used to do a lot of house designs (which was fun when I played the sims), but now I use that talent for detail in designing computers and in time custom cases. I love watching movies, classic 80s horror more than anything else, but will watch any movie put infront of me.
I love talking about things that go on in the world, current events and what not, but sadly she finds that dull as well.
Back when I was an undergrad, I could go out and play frisbee all day, but since I’ve moved here, when I dont have homework, theres no one here that I know to play with. Before that I was very active in the martial arts, training 6 days a week and all that good jazz, but had to quit because of school.
okay, with that extra info i can say this. you are with this girl for the wrong reasons. this is NOT the girl for you. trust me as someone with nothing to gain or lose here. you hold on to here because you are lonely and do not have as much socially as you did before. get out before she destroys your spirit, and brings you down to her level. look at what amoebus said. he is right. she will not change, and will not stop until you have digressed to a level she won’t be jealous of. hard truth, but i know what i am talking about.
It seems as though she wants to spend time with you. I remember one case in which a woman was not wanting her husband to watch the super-bowl, another was complaining about her husband not putting enough soap in the washer. These were superficial issues. The deeper issues were that the women wanted their feelings validated, to be respected and to spend more time with their husbands.
Are there any activities that you enjoy doing with her? Anything new and exciting that you could try together?
One psych theory (expansion theory) is that in order to maintain a relationship, people have to keep expanding themselves, together and on their own too. So, try doing new and exciting things together every week, things you have never done before.
Also, find out how she feels about everything. This can take a while to discuss, to go past the superficial issues and find out what the deeper issue is. If she ends up going into the fetal position, not talking, being silent, this could be “stone-walling”. If either of you stone-wall, or become upset, then take a time-out, and discuss it later.
Also, validating feelings means showing the other person that you have heard and understand how they feel, not necessarily agreeing with their viewpoint.
I hope this helps :)
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