How do you deal with the pain and anguish of infertility?
My husband has 4 children from two previous marriages. I had the privilege of raising the oldest two, as their mother had abandoned them. The youngest two have lived with us off and on. However, their mother has moved out of state (3 hours away) A couple of years ago, the two youngest revealed that they were being abused and sexually molested by a neighbor as well as their new stepfather. We spent our life savings on a court battle to save them and gain full custody. Lets just say that we ran out of money before she (the mother) did, and the little ones (now 9 and 11) are back in the same home as the molester. Anyhow, we have tried to have a baby. But I was told that I have cystic ovarian desease. While it might be possible for me to conceive, it would be at great expense, and we have already spend our life savings on the court battle. I love children and have a very hard time dealing with this. How does one deal with infertility? How will I make it through this? I am so hurt, sad and frustrated and angry. While I do not blame the children for this situation, I blame their mother, whom I hate with every fiber of my being. Not only do I not have my step kids to raise, but we blew all our money on trying to save them from abuse, neglect and molestation. The mental anguish and pain is just to much to bear. HELP.
Since writing this post everitt may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. everitt is a verified member, has been around for 6 years, 7 months and has 7 posts and 40 replies to their name.
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Volunteering with a local planned parenthood, battered women’s shelter, or adoption agency might help you through by focusing on others while you sort your head out. Some adoption agencies need foster parents to help ease expenses. Maybe you could be part of a child’s life while they are having a difficult time, and they can do the same for you.
There are many children living in pain right now, maybe you can find them and be there for one another.
That’s horrible… I’m sorry for you, if that makes any difference. At this point you should really seek professional help (not because your insane, but because you are deeply hurt and need someone to talk to in person).
The only advice I can give you is to treat the older children like your own, for they are your own. Biology isn’t even a quarter of the equation of a person, the things that happen to them make them who they are. Your children are just that, your children.
That is truly horrible. I think you should ask for special help to get those children out of there. I’m sure there are people out there who would be willing to help out or donate money or time. Infertility is definatly a hard thing to deal with but just because of that doesn’t mean you should give up on your love for children. I know a single woman who loves children but can’t have any. She started a home daycare to help her fill her love for children. Adoption is a very costly process but foster care isn’t I believe. And many foster children go to homes just like the ones you were trying to save your husbands kids from getting into. You have goodness and Karma on your side. I’m sure there is a way out of your situation and until then we always have to remember what our life is worth and our bad experiences make ourselves. You will come out much stronger after this is all over. You will be happy.
I guess I need to mention that what we have been trough caused me to have a total mental breakdown. I was admitted in to a mental hospital and am still under the care of a psychiatrist as well as a psychologist. So as far as fostering or adopting… no way. If you have any mental illness history, you can not be a candidate for these things. But you must understand that when we had to return the children that last time, it was like a scene from a hollywood movie. They did not want to go. They were ripped from my arms kicking and screaming as they were dragged to their mothers car. How can a caring loving woman not have a total mental breakdown from something like this? I just don’t know which direction to turn. My husband is caring and supportive in every aspect. But despite medication, couseling etc. I just can’t go on anymore. This pain is to much to handle. I have even attempted suicide. Which, thank God, did not work. I am just at my witts end… help help help.
I think you should contact the police and tell them of the molestation to help save the children, or better yet child protective services. I’ve lost many people in my life, including my father, and an unborn child and I can’t say missing them will ever stop. I think these children need you and you need to go on for them. I can’t tell you how terrible it is to lose a parent, especially to suicide. So please don’t do this to your children. These children need to know someone loves them, b/c their other situation is not showing them that.
Luckyree, We have spend our lifes savings $50,000 on experts, doctores etc. All agree that there is clear evidence that the children were indeed molested, abused and neglected. The police were behind us as was social services etc. etc. But in the end, her attorney pulled several brilliant legal manuvers to have all of this evidence supressed. He then had the case transfered to a different judge, who had no clue about any of this. She had more money for a high powered attorney. So she won. A court appointed attorney was given to us 2 years ago. You now what he has done so far? …… Absolutely NOTHING what so ever. It really is all about who has money. There is no true justice system, it’s all about money. I used to believe otherwise. But life has clearly shown that it not so. O.J. walked… enough said.
Wow, yeah that is difficult. There is a lot of reasons to believe my father was murdered, or even left to die after an attempted suicide. Our legal system is certainly terrible and I’m sorry that it is affecting you so bad. If you have the energy I would try and focus my energies into helping others. Sometimes that really helps, and you never know what connections you may make to get even more help for your pain. I do believe, and I may be wrong, that you can continue to contact child services. The more the children are kept away from that situation the better.
I don’t know if this is a long shot, but maybe writing to one of those talk shows (Dr. Phil, etc.) might also get you some help? This seems like a very serious case, and maybe you need someone big like that. I’m sorry I can’t help enough. I don’t know enough about child laws.
Luckyree, THANK YOU for caring enough to even try to tackle this topic. Maybe you are right. Maybe I should write out story to Oprah or something. But you know what has kept me from that so far? I learned that there are cases out there that are much worse then ours. I spoke with a Lady, whose step daughter (7 years old) had contracted a STD from her new step father. But low and behold… they sent that child back in to the home with the abuser. Like I said, it’s all about money. Also, it is nearly impossible to take away a child from a mother. Mothers have ALL the right and fathers don’t count for s**t. The injustice of this is felt across this country over and over. I just don’t know. I am at the point that I have lost all faith in humanity. How can anyone sexually molest a child? How can you look at a child and get aroused? How sick are people like that? What can be done. I fought for 7 long hard years. I gave it all I had…. but now I am drained and ready to just blow my brains out. I just don’t want to deal with all of this pain anymore. Oh GOD, how could all of this happen to me?
I can’t say I understand it. My childhood was just terrible. I decided it was my life and no one could take it or change my future so I worked hard all through school to get a career that was taken away from me by someone who was jealous of a young up and coming go-getter. All the hard work in the world left me taking crappy job and crappy job, living on practically nothing, and hating the thing I used to love most. All I can do is keep going. Sitting and sulking does nothing, killing yourself is just terrible. I lost my dad that way. So, I just sit and absorb. Life sucks, but you know what? You gave those kids love and probably the only hope they have experienced in years. Maybe you can’t change it now, and maybe you can’t even see it but some kids don’t even have someone that loves them enough to go through 7 years of financial burden, and stress and sadness. I know it is rough, but they may need you when they are old enough to comprehend what you did for them. The best actions are usually unsung, thankless jobs.
First off you have to get rid of all that hate inside you.It will act like a cancer eating you up from the inside out, It sounds like you believe in God(I’m not familar with J.Witness).When I can no longer deal with the pain life brings me I give it to God saying here take it. It’s yours I cannot deal with this.(He usually shows me a way I never thought of on how to handle it). And I pray that He gives me the strength to leave it with Him and not take it back. When I have bad feelings (& believe me I’ve had plenty) toward someone I pray for that person and for myself and keep praying until things get better. I cling to Jerimah.29:11.There are days that that is all that gets me through. I firmly believe in it and that God does not give us anything we cannot handle.We just have to sincerely believe in Him and that He will provide for our needs to do so.I bought myself a good easy to read Bible when my husband went to prison and it is now my best friend. I try to read daily but make sure it is at least weekly. I have learned so much and now see things so differently in the last 2 years than in my whole life. I totally trust God with my life and my family’s and have yet to find one thing not true in His word.Keep believing,trusting and reading His word.He has a purpose for you.I will include you in my prayers. Remember always that you are never alone and that not matter what God loves you.
Adoption. There are way too many children in this would waiting for parents.
My wife lost her left ovary to a cyst. The only thing keeps the right one in check is birth control medicine. I know what you are going through, I deal with this in my life on a daily basis.
You need to let go of the hate. Hate is an emotion that wastes the capacity to love. Turn your focus and energy from hating your husbands ex to concer for the chilren. You’ll be supprised at how well you will feel. You will also be supprised at how the kids will respond to you.
I have a child from a previous relationship. Its my wifes saving grace. My son adores my wife, as she loves my son. Without him, she wouldn’t know what being a mother is about. For that, we are thankful.
In most states, when a child reaches the age of 12, the child has the right to choose which parent they want to reside with. The 11 year old is close to that. The 9 year old may follow! Check into how your state handles that.
Thank You animal. I read your reply on the day you poste it. But stuff happened and I needed to think what you said over. You are right. Life is just to short to be wasted on hatred. I focus my energy on having as much fun and joy with the two children, whenever they are with us. We just spend a wonderful weekend together. It was full of fun, laughter, love, adventure, exploration, family, and plain out incredible. And in the end…. isn’t that what it is really all about? It took the kind words of help.com users, but I think I have a grip on reality again. Thanks folks.
:-), Its not often I get thanked for advise. That means the world to me that I could have made a difference to you. Thank You! :-)
I know it’s easy to say and hard to do, but you have to lose the hate. It hurts you and makes no difference to the person you hate. Adoption may be an option worth pursuing as you sound like you care deeply about child welfare and would make a good parent. Sorry if it’s not the answer you need, good luck all the same.
There are definitely many children out there who need to be taken of, and be thankful that you have the will and the capability to provide for these children wherever they are. Get yourself well first, then go all out and tackle the bull by its horns. Good luck and my thoughts are with you and your kids!
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