It’s funny how we all vent the same things, yet no one really wants to hear it, But we all do it anyway.
I’ll vent, even tho is doesn’t affect your life and you could really care less:
Okay, let me start my rant by thanking you for even reading this. My life is what you call, hell.
My husband is pretty much my father:
1)He checks all my emails, blogs, post, facebook, myspace comments, replies, and phone messages. He doesn’t want me on sites at all.
2) He gives me a hard time for talking to my friends. I can’t go anywhere with them. When talking on the phone with them, he gets mad.
3) I’m not allowed to go anywhere without his okay. This is better then before but he still has an issue with me leaving.
4) He tells me who I can be friends with and when to talk to them. I’m scared to talk to them because of him.
5)I can’t go to the store without him yelling at me or giving me a hard time.
6)He will not let me use his health insurance, even tho he has it with his company.
7) He will not get me a car so I can work. He won’t let me work.
8)He won’t give me money for food, and when I ask him to buy food he rolls his eyes and get cranky.
9) He will not buy the kids some clothes, and if I ask, he gets mad and stressed.
10)When I ask him to buy cat food, he gets mad and rolls his eyes.
let’s say, I’m scared to death of him, and can’t talk to him. My life is hell and I hate it. I wish myself dead everyday. I have broke up with him once and he left for a while, but then came back. Since then, I’ve tried to kill myself twice and want to be successful next time. We are seeing a doctor, but I feel as if nothing will really get better. We are not meant to be and in my eyes it’s over and has been for years.
Okay, thanks for letting me rant and rave.
End of report.
Since writing this post Green may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. Green is a verified member, has been around for 6 years and has 3 posts and 24 replies to their name.
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That guy is spoiling your life. But killing yourself is simply enough not an option. I advise you to get a divorce from that guy, because he doesn’t seem to love or honour you as he should.
For your sake, take your kids, leave him.
oh my, then why are u still there hanging on?
Yes, why are you?
Its like the house on fire. Gather up all your strength, conquer your fears & get out.
okay wat you need to do is froget about him and leave him cuz wats dat sence of holding on
Mmm. Nah. I’m not biting. Work it through with your counselor, there’s another side to this story, and I think you two need to work to be each other’s partner and ally.
seriously, if you don’t leave him for you, leave him for the kids. You don’t want your (if you have one) daughter picking up where you left off and getting into a relationship with a man like this later in life, being miserable like you, and thinking its ok and normal. If you have a son, you don’t want him to pick up the traits of his father and making some other woman miserable later in life, never mind being miserable himself! You aren’t happy, your husband is abviously not happy (most likely with himself) ad therefore your kids can’t be happy! Everyone is better off without him. This is a level of domestic abuse, it just isn’t (i hope) physical. Get away, get help, eventually move on, and show your kids how to be happy and strong!
Well of course there are two sides of a story. I’m not saying I’m perfect, by any means. I’ve abused him, I’m sure the same as he’s abused me. The only difference is, he was like this before I got with him, according to his mother. According to his mother, he’s been that way since he was a teen and his father was that way to.
Our doctor thinks he has problems that have caused most of this, he’s controlling and the abuse has made me do stupid things. Our doctor is trying to help him with this.
its true wat rasberries is saying cuz really you dont need dat in your life at all
I partially agree with oster.gar. There is another side to this story, otherwise when you left, why did you come back? My gut is telling me you feel guilty for something. Maybe there is a reason he doesn’t trust you? Did you cheet on him or something? That would explain why he’s so controlling, it would also explain why he acts so resentful when he needs to do things like buy food and clothes, b/c he doesn’t trust you to go out and doesn’t like that he has to feel like this in order to know where you are.
I’m not saying you husband is right for anything. What I am sayig is, learn from this, and if it isn’t fixable, if couseling doesn’t work, or you don’t even want to try b/c you feel like its over anyway, then pack up and move on. If not for you, for your kids.
Like all stories, there are two sides and although I have been in the situation myself I still would like to let anyone who reads this know there are always two sides and my comment strickly pertains to the situation explained, not to what MAYBE the the “real” situation.
If you love your children then save your own life and by doing that, you’ll save theirs…if you really truly deep down want to kill yourself then go ahead because I’m sure you won’t. Everytime you look at those kids and the life that they have I know that you’ll see who you really are in their eyes, not who you think you are. What your husband does has nothing to do with them so they shouldn’t be punished by you killing yourself and leaving them with no one who loves them. Children are gifts, I’m crazy about children, they’re amazing and sweet and wonderful. The sooner you realize that and know that they deon’t need that kind of trauma in their life then you will know that you don’t need trauma either. Grow some brass and have the strength to move on with your kids. Life is hard and unfair and the only way have justice is to get it yourself. Death is not justice…
I have been in a simualr relationship, left & came back also. She has not necessarily done anything. The guy sounds like a power freak which most abusers are.
I wish that reply would get out of approval.
I can find my other post anywhere.
being controlled and abused will always make you do stupid things. Its like backing a wild animal into a corner, you lash out anyway you can! Thats not saying that being abusive back is the asnwer, it sin’t. But seriously, think about what the two of you are doing to your kids!!! You are showing them that they can be abusive, petty, and miserable, and its ok or normal!
i don’t care who abuses whom. the thing is when one feels like he is in such a pit, then one should go and leave. it takes two to tango. if you choose to stay then expect everything to remain the same way. are u saying u are staying because u also think u deserve that since u have hurt him too? when would yours and your kids happiness come into the picture?
I can’t leave because I won’t make it on my own.
The first time, I was doing great with the bills and stuff but I’m to far gone. I’m sure I would end up homeless because I gave up on life. I don’t want to do anything, anymore. I guess I’m just used to sitting here, it’s been 7 years now.
When u think of leaving, plan ahead. make researches. try to find a good place to stay, a neat job. how old are the children by the way? if things would go wrong, contact the gov’t services. that is if you plan to leave.
if you think u CAN’T then u don’t have to do anything. prayers for you.
I don’t understand…you asked for advice but every suggestion is turned down for some lame excuse…It’s time for a little reality. Before you ask for help make sure you want it…It sounds to me like you could be just fine there and you’re just looking for attention. Threatening to kill yourself is the worst way to get attention.
I was just ranting. Never said “help me”, people need a place to rant once in a while, and knowing others read it, helps!
I understand the rant, I do it myself sometimes. I’ll call a friend and tell them I just need to vent, no comentary needed.
What you are getting here is help, like it or not. Tell a group of people a story and someone is bound to become emotionally invested in you and your story and want to help. Thats why movies are so popular. :)
Lonestarcactus is right about one thing though, you have pretty lame excuses. Sounds to me like you’re just giving up. So why spend money on counseling if you’ve given up? Why bother ranting if you’ve given up? Why not just lay down and let him walk all over you and your kids for the rest of your days untill you’re nothing but a doormat if you’ve just given up?
You haven’t completely given up, thats why. You’re human and have emotions and want to live a happy life, just like everyone else. You deserve it. You just don’t know where to start, its overwhelming. It seems like an immpossible feat, to get a job and make money after 7 years of this abuse. To take care of yourself and your kids and bills and groceries and clothing etc. Its alot of responsibility! Thats why they made government assistance, sweetheart. It seems difficult to go there, but it was built for people like you to use it when all seems lost and all they need is a helping hand to pull them from their funk. Temporary assistance, and there isn’t anything wrong or dishonorable about that. If anything, its way more honorable and noteworthy of someone to actually get off their backs and reclaim themselves.
what are other signs do u need to decide of leaving? when u see your kids with empty stomaches , isn’t that a reason enough to decide?
All I was trying to say was that you need to know where you are headed before you know what life is really like. You’ll never leave him because (coincidentally) you just can’t. You don’t have the money, or a car, or all these material things that you think you need. What you really need is a dose of reality, a big enough dose that will reassure you of your strength and intellect because it seems like to me that he took it away from you.
Find strength, not excuses and leave if you’re so unhappy…it’s much more simple than you think it is…
I don’t leave or say anything because I’ve done wrong too, I’m to blame and it’s very disrespectful.
What ever you have done wrong does not deserve this kind of treatment. This is destructive behavior that will only doom your relationship more not to mention your own self worth.
I agree, he knows that.
Hey, Im glad you found a place to vent. I know how important that can be, to just release. This site is called Help.com. Im not trying to point out the obvious or suggest that you missed it. I know you are more intelligent than that. You are well spoken on this site. What I would like to point out is that there are regulars on this site that do try to help. We are bored and have no lives of our own and spend countless hours attempting to help others. With any luck, someone may be be able to offer something that for whatever reason you may have missed, or not seen before.
Do you mind if I ask you a simple question?
For anyone to go see a councellor, they have to want to improve the way things are. In couples therapy, often one agrees to go to get the other to see that they are right and the other is wrong. More often than not, both parties see it the same way. Do you feel that continuing councelling will improve your situation at home?
We go one a week, all that does is bring stuff up and we end up hating each other. I’m not allowed to vent either. He would be very upset if he knew I was talking bad about him. I can’t vent at the doctor’s office because he’s sitting right there giving me the death eye.
slip a note to your doc to request that they ask for a one on one discussion.
We have to go tonight so perhaps I’ll do that.
plz leave him
he isnt a good husband or a good father.
i think ure getting co-dependant and thats never a good idea and esp with someone who is so insecure and unstable as your husband.
plz seek help. divorce him. hes not worth all this abuse. and neither are your precious kids. plzzz let them have a future cuz this way, they really dont.
You said that he gets mad when you do things on the internet and he always checks what you do? Then why wouldn’t he check to see all that you have been writing on here? I think you are full of it and you just want sympathy from someone…if you’re going to lie, do it right.
seriously, if shes telling the truth, then you’re really being hurtful and disrespectful.
and i dont see why anyone would lie about this like this :S
Lonestar and I have both seen this behavior, Breathe. Lonestar is calling BS, and I agree.
What does calling BS mean?
It means we don’t believe her. There’s a few people posting on this thread who have heard this exact talk before, and we know where it comes from. Real Me is trying to get sympathy by making her husband look like a controlling abuser, but he’s not. He’s frustrated because Real Me is not doing anything to resolve the real problem, and is neglecting all her responsibilities.
Ah, I see. And what does BS stand for?
Ah, I see. Bullshit.
*gasp* Such language!
Well, I would rather speak german, but you wouldn’t understand it.
I agree with the BS call on this one. I.E….How do two people go through years of marriage councelling without the therapist talking to them on an individual basis? It doesnt work like that. If he were shooting her mean looks for years to not say anything bad there, even a half witted therapist would pick up on it and start talking with them on an individual basis.
However, I also agree with Breathe. If your going to call someone out for trying to get a little attention, there are more subtle ways of handling it. Think about it this way Lonestar…..maybe she was just testing the waters on this site to get an understanding of how it worked. This post may be BS, but it doesnt mean this person doesnt have a real problem that she needs help with. By speaking the way you did, you could give her the greatest advise ever on another question…..but she would never listen to you. Just a thought….
I’m backing Lonestar all the way. Very good advice, Animal, but Lonestar and I know exactly what the problem is, and know that by sympathizing, we support the problem. We know Real Me will NOT move toward revealing the problem with a show of sympathy, she will move toward greater exaggeration, creating chaos and crisis on this board.
Lonestar and I have both let Real Me know she’s not fooling us with stories of abuse and victimization, and presented her with the implied threat that we will put a name to the problem (which wants to remain hidden) if she continues to disingenuously play on the sympathies of the people on this board.
Real Me does not want help — she wants permission to continue doing what she’s doing. We sympathize, and she feels justified in continuing what she’s doing. We validate her claims of abuse, and she takes that back to her husband saying, “Well I told a bunch of people on a message board all about you, and they say you’re abusive and controlling, and I should leave you.”
Real Me does need help, but she’s not hit that point where she will do her part to take back her life. Her husband needs help separate from her, and I sincerely hope he gets it. This is something that consumes the entire family, and it is very very bad at this stage.
What problem are you refering to? In the first paragraph you mentioned it. What did you mean by it?
Have you ever seen a post where someone enters it later and says that they have a similar problem? It happens often here. There may be others who have a similar problem that is stated on this post. They may not feel comforable asking for help by starting thier own post. But they can search under tags to find advise given to others on similar topics. By attacking a poster, regardless of its sincerety, you are robbing potentially healing words for others who problem is real.
Just a thought. I hope you dont think Im being argumentative or attacking you personally. That is not my intent here.
really, there is no point in all this.
we just shouldnt attack any poster cuz you never know why theyre seeking the attention (assuming that they are)…and sometimes that reason is more painful than the attention-seeking itself.
maybe it is BS, but lets just be gentle with that aswell. cuz honestly its not costing us any money trying to sort out whatever marital problem she has and even if she has an emotional need which is not being fulfilled elsewhere (such as attention and sympathy, which is a basic need for all of us), we should just try and be gentle. you never know abt the problems ppl have. and thts why we can never really judge anyone.
It does not matter if they tell the truth or not. we never know what the truth really is. all of us got masks to wear at times. the most important thing is we are all here for everyone who thinks they need help. now if we think one is not telling the truth, we can always leave the post without having to sound harsh coz it might also be hurting and insulting to repliers who took their time to help out in some ways.
Excuse you, it’s not “BS”, I’m using fake name just so my husband won’t find this.
You will not understand because close minded people just don’t, I’m sorry you’re closed minded and think my life is a lie.
Wow that’s dramatic…Breath, you said that we shouldn’t assume that peoples’ problem weren’t real, if you really believe that then why should we assume that they are real, you’re contradicting yourself.
And The Real Me, I never once gave the impression that I thought your life was a lie. I simply said thatI didn’t believe you. You are also contradicting yourself. You said that you have done wrong too and that his supposed behavior was triggered by your actions but then you also said that he has always been this way. You want to put all the blame on your husband one second, and then another second you say that you’re at fault too.
To all- I’m some what disappointed with this thread. No one on this site should be called a lair nor a fake. problems are real to people. You may disagree with their problems but to them, it’s hard. Perhaps compassion for the person venting would be nice. She’s not telling all the story but that’s her right, to stay private. It’s no ones right to call them a lair and tell the person you think they are BS.
Note=*Losing users due to this, I’ve noticed. People need a place to feel safe and not feel attacked. Give your advice and leave out the labels and names, please.
We can sit and argue about this for hours but it won’t do any good.Your opinion will not be changed and neither will mine so the mature thing to do is just to let it go.
By the way, by having a post on this site you should know that you are subject to hear whatever people think. You’re practically asking for it. If you want sympathy, tell you mother…
Lonestarcactus, I agree with Queen Elizatron 4000 in all points. This should be a safe harbour for every troubled ship, and not the scrapyard where we are putting them in pieces.
You can have your opinion and I will hav mine…that’s all I have to say…
People have their rights to say what they will but there must be tact. Calling names is simply breaking help.com code of conduct. Give advice, say your thoughts but never attack or call names. Simple and really easy to do.
Okay how’s this…Do whatever you want to The Real Me, say you’ll leave your husband, make excuses not to, but whatever you do, you should know that we all love you and care about where your life is headed. I may have only known you for a day but you are a wonderful person and I know that you would never lie to me because we are such close friends. Have fun in therapy, I hope you work out your issues. Your life isn’t bullshit and you have every right to talk terribly about your husband and degrade him in front of countless strangers.
Good luck to you. I know you’ll do well since you’re just an amazing person.
(Note the sarcasm.)
Lonestarcactus: Some opinions you have to speak out to live, some however should be kept quiet for the same reason.
Queen: But if I call you Queen Elizatron 4000, don’t I call a name to you then?
I have the right to say whatever I please and nothing that type on this keyboard or speak out loud will harm me. If what you’re saying is that I should keep my mouth shut to live then you trully are ignorant.
are you unhappy abt something, lonestarcactus, that ure just taking it out over here ? seriously, im not trying to mock u or anything i swear, but please stop being mean to people for no reason. so what if it is B.S…if u think it is, dont reply then! :|
being able to say whatever u want entitles u to a certain responsibility as well, which is that u think abt what ure saying and try not to mock people.
This I didn’t say, maybe I put it in the wrong words or you misinterpreted it. After all, english is not my native language, if that was in the wrong content, I appologize.
Well, you gotta remember that “This is me” has the same rights. And with you acusing her of telling lies - even if they are - you abuse her right to speak as freely as you do.
There are 2 ways to handle somebody if you think that person is telling what you call BS.
1. Just ignore it, don’t reply to it. That way you don’t hurt anybody no matter if that story is true or not.
2. Speak out your doubts, but do it in a polite way.
You found a 3rd way: Speak out your doubts, but act like a complete disrespectful, dishonourable, unpolite and close-minded person, which ends up in a debate just like we have now.
Breathe, that’s hypocritical, if you have a problem with what I say then ignore it. Didn’t your mother ever tell you that? Maybe she should have.
Yes, I am so unhappy that I take it out on liars on the internet. Get real, she made a post, I replied. In case you didn’t know, that’s how it works.
But I do agree with what you said. Responsibility, you obviously don’t have any. By tell ing this woman what you have been telling her then you are enabling her problem of acting like she’s done nothing wrong. Maybe you are the same way. “Don’t be so harsh, leave her alone, you don’t know what she’s been through.” That’s right and neither do you.
And seven, I’m not worried about hurting her feelings. I never abused her rights, I didn’t tell her to shut-up, I told her that I didn’t believe her which is my right. Maybe you should take your own advice.
get some help
Lonestar, I agree that you can say whatever you feel is necessary. Im guilty of going overboard in the past myself. What Im asking you to see is that you are on a website entitled “Help.com” What sense does it make to come in and argue with people here? I feel that you have good to offer this site and think it would be a shame to waste that on arguing and sarcasm.
Chaos and confusion.
Real Me, it’s getting worse, and will keep getting worse. When you’re ready to talk about the real problem which has consumed your life, and those closest to you, I’ll be there for you — but I won’t support the problem. I’m sure you wonder where “The Real Me” went, but you already know, and you won’t find her until you address the beast.
There’s another way.
She has asked about her problem. I believe she is being truthful. Only, that truth is her truth. Her husbands truth will be different. I would like to say to leave him, to move on. Because the words you spoke above clearly are how you feel about the situation. But without hearing more about the situation, I cannot offer that advise with good conscious. Even though the two of you are in councelling, I dont believe your heart is trying to make it work. Understand, the only one you can change is you, not him. Ultimately, you have to make the decision that will be best for you, and your children.
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again…LET IT GO…GET OVER IT…big deal, we disagree, who gives a ****!?
Im done speaking with you on this issue Lonestar. It is true, we disagree. That is O.K. What I am attempting to do is help the poster. I would appreciate you standing by your own words and truly letting this go so that this person may get the help she has asked for.
I wanted to tell you that, all these people have gathered here to give you advice.
If what you are saying is true, then you should take something out of it.
Anything to make your life a little bit easyer.
Some would say that you have to confront your problem directly and start a life of your own.(As painfull as it is, is way better to do it in the long term. That’s what I would do)
Some others would tell you to try and let the doc help you solve this situation, I’m sure he will do something about it, if you talk to him seriously.
Also, I am sure there are lots of other ways to solve what is currently making you feel in such a bad way.
I can not pretend I know what you are going through because I have never been in such situation, but me, you, and every other human being in the earth afront difficulties everyday and they have to fight them and keep life going in a little bit better way.
It’s as simple as that, take action or keep suffering.
I can see the best way out of those two. Can you?
I hope this was of some help, I’ll be wishing you the best of lucks.
You should find a way to leave him. He has kept you under lock and key and you need out. He must work or go some where with his friends at one time or another, that is when you pack up and have your friend or a family member help you out. Find a shelter for woman and children. BUT, if you leave Do NOT go back, EVER. It will turn out the same no matter what he says or says he will do to change. After you are adjusted in your life then he can get the kids for visits. But don’t take your life as he is not worth it, your kids need YOU. You must leave. You don’t say anything about your parents, will they help?life is wonderful and you will be happier, you have the strentgh to leave, do it.
hi green i think you better take your life in your hands do evryting that neccery you are not sepouse to sufer in marieege and if is not able to listen to your needs like feal free to go to store or to be with your frinds so he need to find himself a dog tha e will control his life good luck
Are you still alive! If you are you need to runnnnnn from that controloing man and work on your own recovery! There are many avenues you can take to get away only after you are 100% sure that you have had enough and that you want out.
reply back and I WILL HELP YOU !
Hey Green… are you still there? Your situation sounds really bad. It doesn’t matter if you’ve done bad things too - that doesn’t mean you deserve to stay in a bad relationship. It doesn’t sound like your marriage is making either of you happy and it can’t be good for the kids.
I wish you’d post again, so we can know that you’re ok.
this is deja vu for me…i was in a marriage like this…was is the key word here…i went to my local physician to discuss it with her…come to find out..she had seen my husband in the her office that week with my daughter and had walked in the examining room to witness my husband throwing my then five year old daughter from over his head across the room…
why she didnt immediately do something i never got a full answer..i believe she was afraid of him…as i was and in discussing this i left her office to file a police report with the doctor as a witness.
it took another year for him to lunge at me one time too many.
he was arrested for domestic violence with a restraining order of one year for myself and children.
needless to say…i am poor as a door still financially have not recovered, but my four children and i are alive and away from him
This is for green. Honey I feel for you your husband and your kids If you guys have been going to counseling all this tme and nothing has changed then either you guys (you and your husband) are not being completly open or you guys simply do not want the change. I am all for resolving a marriage espicially when children are involved. but if the abuse shows in them then its time to go. Personally if you are threating suicide then the children are not safe with you. Do they know about that? Your husband may be so controlling because he feels more like your caretaker more than your husband, maybe you need to step up and take responsibility for your wrong actions. He should also do the same. I live in a controlling relationship also. But we talk through it and while I have all of the household stress he has all of the financial stress. Sometimes good communication can solve our problems. But if one or the other party does not want to “fix” things than its time to go. Cut your losses. Ask your huband if he really wants to stay in the marriage and if not talk to him about helping you and the kids get set up, if you feel like you can take care of them. (mentally) If he refuses the judge will decide and there are plenty of womens help centers and federal help out there to help you get started. I wish the best for you both and pray that your babies are not scarred from all this devastation in their young lives. Because in the end tyhey are the only ones that matter. Both of you need to realize what you are doing to them.
wow! you need to leave him. i know it is hard, i have been there more than once. my kids experienced it, and it was not good ,they get counceling now. my oldest eventually became a victim of my ex, that is where it ended for me. he punched my daughter in the face. she was twelve at the time. since then i transferred my section 8 to another state. i met a guy who treated me like a queen. we are not together anymore, but i know now that i deserve better, and so do you. you have to believe that, please. no woman deserves to be treated like that. your kids must be hurting, i know mine were, but they were too afraid to say anything. they are so happy for us now. please take yourself away from that situation. i know it is easier said than done, but believe me you will not regret it.good luck
im sure I am pretty late to your post however I know I can help you if you just listen to me and take my advice. Leave him. I know you love him if you have stayed this love. Of course you are going to care for him to an extent if you have not left again. Leave him because he is not only hurting you he is hurting your children. Your children are suffering more than you think even if they have not told you yet. Think about your children. If you kill yourself your children will think it was because of them and they will be in the custody of your husband. If he is making your life hell what do you think he will do to them. You do not want that for your kids and I know that. I know I do not personally know you however I do care. I know you feel like it does not matter at times but if you leave him and remind yourself everyday that you are living for your kids you will get by. Trust me. They will appreciate you living and leaving him. You have loved him, You have lived him, Now i is time to leave him. In time it will get better and you will at last be happy again. You will see. I deeply encourage you to leave him and to find happiness for you and your children. Do not take what I am about to say to offence. Do not complain about your life on the computer when there IS an alternative and some way that you can help yourself and your children. JUST DO IT! Do what is best and you will not regret it. No child wants to watch their mother waste away and I know that from experience. Please if not for you then defonately for your children and whenever you decide to date again if you do make sure you do not fall into the same relationship and do not make the next guy pay for your husbands mistakes. This is what I know you should do. Take my advice and think of your children when your doing it. Thank you for posting this and if you take my advice Thank you for taking it.
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