☆ invited 4 users to read this post 2 years, 6 months ago.
sorry to hear this. when u get back to the states, do u have any idea where she would go?
She is from here, she is at her parents. The question is where I will end up…
Sounds like your in for a rough ride. Just take it one day at a time. Thats all you can do. Try not to speculate too much about what cuold happen at this point until after she has the baby because at this point its really out of your control.
Is she planning to let you be a part of the baby’s life after it is born even though you will be separated? If you truly feel you’ve done all you could to make the relationship work and it still failed, perhaps she wasn’t your true soul mate to begin with. It will be hard to get through but don’t give up on love. Someone out there is waiting to meet you. I wish you the best :)
i’m trying to think of any possible reason why she had decided to leave you that fast. would there be no way you can go back to her and talk? pregnant women are highly sensitive.
I am taking things one day at a time and I know everything is out of my control for now. She says that I am a good man and she wants me involved. I am not sure of her intentions though anymore. And lillies and daisies believe me, God knows, I know, and she knows that I have done nothing wrong and that I have done all I can, believe me.
I am not even trying to save it right now anymore. I have left the door open for her in the future but I just don’t understand why..
Ok if suddenly decided to leave after becoming pregnant, is there a chance the baby may not be yours? Or maybe she used you so she could become pregant? I am not trying to hurt your feelings or suggest you become suspicious of her, but they are possibilities.
okay i believe you. just hang on tight. a rough path you are in now. you are now hurt and confused and u want it to work but things are out of your control. can u just give her time to think? and also give yourself some space to breathe.
I understand. The baby is definately mine. We were unbelievably happy. I have also thought that she has used me for my genes..I have two other kids from my first mairrage and they are both brilliant and beautiful.
I have no choice but to leave here right now. I plan on doing a lot of traveling this summer and get my head clear. I could have been mean to her but I have not. I have also told her that the door is always open. What else can I do, if she is going to be the mother of my child.
Ok that’s good then. Do you understand why I had to ask? I believe you are sincere when you say you did nothing wrong, so it led me to believe she had. I’m sorry that things didn’t work out, but perhaps she will realize what she’s losing and come back to you.
Just continue to leave the door open, I believe you truly love this woman and are willing to give her another chance. Just be there for your child. That’s all you can do for now.
Believe me I plan on it but I have had some bad thought…gimme a minute
Alright. do what you think the best thing should be done. i hope everything works well for you. You may not see it now and i would understand that.But later you will. hang on tight.Mitz is right, be there for the baby.
First of all, I do understand why you asked, of course. This is all my fault. We met on the internet over three years ago when I was living in Europe. We talked or wrote almost everyday. She is smart, beautiful, and we got along great. The problem is that we only saw each other for short periods when she flew there. I just feel like a fool. I am a strong person and I rarely make mistakes with my intuitions. I get here in March, we are mairried as planned, same with pregnancy, and then she just started flipping out all at once two weeks ago. She completely abandoned me here in our house, alone, her family has not contacted me a single time, her neither. I recently find out that she has a history of borderline schitzo, bi-polar, stuff like that. SHe tells me last night over the phone that she is not coming back to me. She also said that this is not hormones or illness ‘episode’. The bad thoughts that I am having is that I am so in love with this precious little soul inside of her, I find myself praying to God that He take His devine hands into her belly, pull that soul out, and give it to someone who really deserves a baby. Isn’t that bad?
Even my ex wife is calling me everyday to see if I am eating and stuff like that. She is remairried. Does that sound like a bad guy?
You don’t sound like a bad guy at all. You are thinking in the best interest of the baby and there is nothing wrong with that. It sounds like she gave you a false impression of who she really is, and she should have been honest about her history. Mental illnesses don’t just ‘go away’. She is still sick if she isn’t being treated for it. She was the one with issues and I feel like she did you wrong, but if she gets help for her problems, maybe she will be back to the woman you fell in love with.
Yes, I agree totally. I am just afraid that if she is this manipulative, spoiled little queen…I dunno. She sounded sincere when she said she wants me involved. The fact that her family loved me so much, and then abandoned me, leads me to believe that she may have said bad things about me in order for her to look like the victim. ****, you should see us, we are so beautiful together…I do not have hi expectations about this, but I do have hope, man, I am in for a long ride riddled with pain and questions
My brother just laughs…he had a real bad situation once too but he just laughs and says, “SEE, that’s why I don’t have a computer in my house!” LOL!!
LOL! but u see the computer made u met her and you are going to have another beautiful and brilliant child pretty soon. :o)
I really hope that she will let me be involved…**** I just feel so used! Most guys would love that I guess…I really had my heart and soul set on this and it just hurts so bad to feel unloved by this woman..
Well, you can’t go through life not taking any risks. You took a risk meeting and falling in love with her, but if things go well, you will have a beautiful baby out of the deal, whether the marriage continues or not! And a baby is truly a blessing. I believe everything happens for a reason. We may not know the reason at the time, but there is one. Even the bad things happen to make us stronger. Perhaps in preparation for something bigger in the future. Maybe the heartbreak you are experiencing right now is to help you deal with what your child may put you through in the future. Children start out stepping on our toes when they are little, but as they get older, they step on our hearts.
i hope so too. any guy in your situation would feel the same way like u do now. nothing hurts much than when we love but do not receive the same love we are always ready to give.
My sister says that I should have two PhD’s, one in philosophy and the other in abnormal phsyciatry!LOL! Am feeling better, thanks you two very much!
Of course you are right and the poetry at the end is a nice touch. I just hope and pray that I will be involved…and yes, I have always been a big risk taker and I have always taken great care of all those I care about. I like being that way…maybe she is just too immature, she’s 30, I’m 35…you’d think she knew what the hell this all meant. Man this sucks!
maturity does not go with the age. :o) you are welcome. take care.
You too and thanks for listening, I do feel better, kinda:-)
You are welcome and I’m glad to hear you are feeling better. I’ve just invited more friends to help, if they have more to add. I meant what I said, I’m no poet LOL! I don’t know if it could be the age difference or not, that depends on her level of maturity as an individual. I’m only 27 and my fiance is 41. We are on the same level in many ways, so it depends on the person.
okay here, im 28 and my man is 46 and were doing great! LOL cya!
I really thought that we were too but apparently she is very immature in many ways I have seen. I would be willing to bet that her parents will be the ones raising our child. What a shame this all is, so much loss, she lost a good man and friend, and I lost a child in all this.
Wow lillies, I didn’t realize we had that in common! ;)
wink Mitzy! we never really know not until we tell! hahah! muah!
You can fight for custody of that baby!! It would be better off with its father who will love it and take good care of it than with the grandparents!!
At least I am getting my six pack back from all this fasting!Lol!
Custody…that’s a real tough one. Remember, I am in Costa Rica, she is Costa Rican, I am an American…but, it is something I will look into Monday morning but I know that ladder is VERY tall
Ahh good point, but I believe it can be done! And congrats on the six pack LOL but you know better than to fast over a woman, come on now :)
I have thought about that believe me but the laws here are way more tilted towards mothers than in the states, way more
And she could easily say that I abandoned her if she wanted to.
I agree laws are more in favor of mothers having custody, HOWEVER, given her mental state, I’d say you have a good chance at proving her unfit.
I am completely at her mercy on this one I’m afraid. I mentioned it ONCE and she screamed F U over the phone last week. Now she says that she wants to be civil, I have no choice but to believe in that.
The unfit part is very true and I know that is my only chance. I meet with a family lawyer on monday and I will ask questions…But I also realise that her family is great and I know that my child will be raised by them, I know it.
One question, are you in the military by chance? Just asking because of the fact that you travel alot…
I used to be, flew Blackhawks for ten years…
Another thing, maybe this baby will make her grow up, maybe this is all she will have in her twisted life. Taking the baby from her would devistate her and there has already been too much destruction here. Know what I mean?
I went to the store last night to buy baby stuff…I had to leave because I started balling my eyes out over this. I did more crying last night than in the previous two weeks…what a shame…
I hope she does become more civil toward you than screaming FU at you on the phone… I hope the laywer can help and give you good legal advice. I know you are convinced you are at her mercy, but I still think there must be something you can do. Ok, not military any more, gotcha ;) I see your point about the baby being all she may have, but does the baby deserve to be raised by an unstable woman, and possibly be abandoned by her as well?
Its ok to cry… Don’t feel ashamed, strong emotions come with strong reactions.
I am not sure that she is THAT unstable and I do know her family. Even though they have abandoned me, they will take great care of the baby and get the best education, just like their own kids did
I just have to live with the fact that I must go. I plan on doing everything financially that I can and I want to be involved. I just hope that she realises that too. I believe that she herself is gonna pay in her soul for this. I don’t wish pain on anybody but this is hard to deal with.
I have been both pregnant and mentally ill and believe me hormones play a big part in both! If she is in her first trimester I am not surprised that she is this way. Pregnancy for a mentally ill person is a roller coaster at best. Mental illness, however does not just go away. A person can get control of it with professional and spiritual counseling, but it is a rough road for all.
It is important to care for yourself when dealing with a mentally ill person.
I’m glad you know the family well enough to have confidence in their parenting skills. I wish the best for the child, whether you raise it or they do. It’s great that you are so willing to provide financially for the baby. I understand it is a hard thing to go through, but you are strong enough to handle it. Try not to let her get you too down on yourself. Life will go on, and you will prevail!
Move ON!!! She’s is heartless…that’s horrible and if she really cared about you or that baby then she would stay with you to try to make things work.
IF you tried as hard as you could, then you can do SO much better.
Let love come to you…DONT SEARCH FOR IT.
REMEMBER.
**Love is blind for those who try to find it…those who live there life have love right in front of there faces!
**EVERYTHING happens for a reason….EVERYTHING.
**God has your plan planned out….DONT EVER TRY TO CHANGE IT!
**No matter what…believe and trust in the plan that you have set out for you. God has made it PERFECT!
I wish this was just temporary, first trimester stuff but she told me last night that it was a mistake and that she wants separation papers. I feel maybe she has done too much damage, she knows it, and is too proud to come back. Did she say bad stuff about me to her family? Who knows…maybe she really just…does…not…love…ME. Only she knows…
I am a very spiritual person and I have always trusted in His plan, believe me. I think you may be right, that she is a vindictive and heartless b***h. It just kills me to think that this could ever happen to me. No one deserves this.
I agree with this statement you made: “I feel maybe she has done too much damage, she knows it, and is too proud to come back. “
And I also agree no one deserves this, but s*** does happen anyway whether we like it or not. All we can do is deal with it learn from it.
Sounds like she isn’t anywhere near reality! i truly feel for you . Sometimes a mentally ill person plays all kinds of mental games to get you to ” prove ” that you love them. You are doing the right thing by getting out. You can’t help her. Don’t be surprised if she comes running back in tears. Get away and heal . it is sad that you may be connected to this woman the rest of your life, , the person you thought she was is truly still in there…it is just that she may never find her way out. i wish you the best. you and your child ( and its mother) will be in my prayers.
I know sister, I know…how can someone be so heartless? Believe me when I tell you that I never saw this coming. I know love is blind and all that crap but THIS takes the cake
She is heartless, no one knows why but her. Don’t let her take your cake (the good things in your life), you keep your cake, and have a positive attitude :) Things will get better.
I don’t have hi expectations for any reunion of that sort, I just want what’s best for the child and I am doing all I can, have done all I can. This connection that I will have with her will always be painful, but I hope this child grows up knowing that it’s father did everything possible. **** IT! If she cared about this child she would not be doing this..
we can see her heartless because she does not have enough of her heart for you. the child will always know the best things u have done so always be there for him and fight for your right as the father.
Thanks a lot everyone, I do feel better. It is so hard for me to contain myself. I just wanna tell her how messed up she is, but I don’t wanna jeopardize my chances of being involved
let her have it her way.if she wants that, let her. she can’t be forced. now all u care is the baby so that’s the last thing we gotta pull through.
I don’t know what to do there…I have to be civil for the childs sake. **** I am pissed.
right now, be positive. it would help much rather than focusing on things that might ruin our outlook of the future. :) ok?
that’s a good way to start it.
How can someone have the incapacity to feel guilt like that? Isn’t that a characteristic of a psycopath?
Yes it is… A person with a sound mind and a conscience would feel a ton of guilt and remorse for doing what she did.
So then if she has no conscience then it does no good telling her how evil she is. I would tell her to ********** but I think she’s already there. I just can’t bear the thought of this evil, selfish, heartless woman having my child and me being a foriegner here makes it all the more difficult.
No it won’t do any good to tell her that. It could cause problems as far as visitation for you and your child. Like you said before, you need to remain civil toward her, even though she’s done you so wrong. I understand it’s difficult, with you being a foreigner there, but things have a way of working out. What goes around, comes around. Karma. Can be a bi*** if you are one…
Aaaahh, Karma. Been thinking of that a lot too…but when I think about it, I am not sure what I have done to get this, um, coming around on me!
I always wonder what it was I did to get what came to me also. Being born? Maybe we good people are here for the purpose of God testing others… Just a thought. Makes me feel better anyway. But she will get what she has coming.
God testing His faithful…I always wondered why He does that. Ever sice Abraham…why would God test someone who He knows is already faithful?
Just to be sure I suppose. Maybe BIG plans for us?? Guess we’ll have to wait to find out…
LOL! Great response! I really hope so…
Me too. I hope it’s all worth the bull**** I’ve/we’ve been through in our lives… I’m sure it will. Like I said, think positive :)
I’m trying to think positive…I am thinking about writing her an email before I go, telling her how heartless and selfish she is. I can write very tactfully and articulate, without bad words but just to get the point accross but I will wait until I have some legal advice. I will read your stuff right now and then I want you to read something I posted before…brb
Read that one before, excellent metaphore…read this…this was a couple of days ago, here is the question and after was my response…
Question for all the intellegent people.
If you found out for sure, CONTRARY TO YOUR BELIEFS, that God did exist,or found out for sure,CONTRARY TO YOUR BELIEFS he did not exist, would you change how you lived?
cannot wait for a thoughtful answer.
My response:
I don’t know how intelligent I am but that is a very good question that I have addressed in conversation before. Great question. Speaking for myself, I would hate to see this world without the belief of a God. Wether you are religous or not, in order to understand the world, you do have to accept the fact that over 90 percent of the planet believes in some Great Creator. As for myself, I would not change my behavior. Wether one believes in God or not, we all have a conscience and 95 percent of the planet has similar beliefs in the difference between right and wrong. Everyone knows that intentional murder is wrong, wether they believe in God or not. Of course there are exceptions to everything. It’s funny, clergymen say that we are made in the image of the Creator and science says that same thing, that we are nothing but vibrating strings of energy created from the Big Bang. “And God said, Let there be light: and there was light. Both sides pretty much say the same thing which is why everyone is in search of the Unified Theory. God is math and mathematics is the language of Truth. In a world where 2 + 2 = 5, which is where we live in nowadays, we constantly get the two mixed up. It is one and the same. Math is God, God is everything, everything is God…bottom line, we are the only species that has the capacity to know what we are and what we are made of. No, only a sociopath would change his behavior based soly on that one factor, wether there is in fact a God or not. And lets face it, if God did come down…BOOM! I AM GOD! You bet your *** that everyone would straighten their *** out anyway!LOL As for me, He is the Father of all Creation. I hope I at least sounded smart!LOL
Hi hfhubbard11,
I received an invite to this post, but I don’t really have anything to add. I don’t want to speak bad or say anything bad about your ex as I don’t know her or know what made her do what she did to you. So I can’t sit in judgement of her and say anything bad. That isn’t my way.
What I will share is you are showing a strength inside of you that I do admire in how you are handling your hurt and devastation. These things I do understand.
As much as it hurts now, you will be okay after some time passes. Just don’t ever close your heart to love and life cuz of her. We all make bad choices and mistakes. We all fall off our paths of life at times, but we can always get back on that path and make our future even better. These are all lessons of life that make us stronger and build our determination to go on and have a happy life.
Please stay strong for your child, and please pursue your custodial rights as the father. I will keep you in my daily prayers.
Take care.
I hope you are able to keep a good attitude, I don’t think an email to her would be a good idea until you do get legal advice. And I hope you can get something out of my post. I am looking forward to reading yours also.
Thank you so much for your words!!! Very thoughtful and thank you for the prayers! Wow, you guys are great, I love this place!LOL! What a kodac moment…awwww.:-)
The post I already have is waiting? I will try to attach the link, hold on, would love for you to read…
Help.com is like a big family to most of us who are here frequently. Definitly a kodak moment LOL! I hope to see you around here more in the future, I’ve really enjoyed talking with you. Ok I will take a look at your post now :)
I really liked your response to Brian’s post. I was in the chat room that night when he came up with that question. I briefly answered him in chat, but I haven’t had time to figure out how to word my reply yet. But I agree with most of yours. You have a great way of looking at things and I hope you can hold on to that. It’s so easy to want to give up sometimes, but God knows what’s best for us.
I know that…thank you so much for everything, I really do feel A LOT better now…maybe I’ll go now and help somebody else! Thanks, Henry
You’re most welcome, anytime!
~Hugz & Smilez~
~*~Mitzy~*~
Hi again,
I also clicked your link to Brian’s post to see what you had to say on the super long post of his…..lol….
Your faith and belief will get you through this. God will show you the way. You may not ever fully understand why this happened, but after some time passes, don’t waste your time trying to figure it out. And DON’T hurt your life and your heart living with anger or any other negative emotions towards her. I see people years after a breakup still hurting and crying and wondering why….don’t do that to yourself, ok? Its her problem and she will be the one to suffer for her action and for hurting someone who loved her. Just look out for your child and don’t let your child’s life be affected by all of this.
Take care.
Thank you, you too. Your words are wise indeed…
Pray and ask god to be with you,live your life and try to be around for your child.It hurts now, but it won’t be like this always.
well keep telling yourself somewhere out there is a place where everyone loves everyone and that it’s only a matter of time before you find it. god loves ya man and so do i. pray and stay around your child let her/him know that you love them.
love heather
Coming into this late - a lot to read and a really heavy situation.
I have not seen this mentioned and wonder if you might wish to consider it…. Can you stay in Costa Rica? I know it may not be easy on any level, but I notice you care a good deal about your child already and that will not go away whatever happens with the mother. So if it is possible in any way for you to build a life there you will certainly be doing your very best for the child. Given the doubts over her state and the chances her family may raise the child this would also count massively if you ever want to go down the custody route (though here you really need to think of your child first).
Is this her first child? I guess so… and if so she does not yet know what is to come and may well find she welcomes support in the raising of her child eventually - support from not just her family, but from the father who really has every right to equal involvement. If you can find it in your heart to give this up and suffer the hardship of forsaking your home country to live there you are really doing all and maybe more than a father can - but parental love is unconditional.
Maybe not right now - maybe you need some space and to plan your way to live there from the States - but I wanted to float the idea for you - hope it helps some way.
By the way your attitude and strength seem good - one tip, anger and the hate that can spring from it are (as Budda says) like a burning coal and will onl hurt you - so try to drop them however hard it may be.
I suffer with Bipolar, on a personal note and only now I am 47 years old and after considerable suffering am I managing my condition - is she in denail of her condition? Does she have active treatment (drug or counselling)? It is delicate - but would be very good for her to consider and you should try to do what you can in that regard for your child too (my mother committed suicide after my sister was born and probably suffered similar). Sorry if that seems heavy, but you should be aware not only how serious it may be, but also that THERE IS HOPE, maybe she cannot turn the relationship around despite your willingness but one day she may see what she did and learn from it.
Hope this helps you man =- keep the faith.
Thank you for your well thought out response and sharing your devastating circumstances about yourself. After taking everything into consideration I have realized that I really can’t stay here. I support two wonderful kids in the states as well. My new wife and I planned on starting our own business here and couple that with my savings, we could have done well here. I believe now that I am dealing not only with someone who has mental illness, but a sociopath as well. She simply has lied to me about who she really was, plain and simple, I was probably duped for my DNA!LOL!
I will go to a lawyer this week and make sure that I have something on paper that states that I did not abandon her. She abandoned me and ran to the confines of the walls in her family’s fortress. I am sure that is how her mind works. I really have no other choice. I could stay here but the fact that I do not speak the language and the low wages here, it would be too grueling and in the end, I would never be able to properly support all my kids. I just have to ensure that I get visitation.
I am over her per se, I have done soo much grieving already over this and I think the bulk of that is over. I have had the horrible thought, praying the God takes that precious soul away from her and gives it to someone who deserves it. But God knows best and He knows I am a good man but I am only human. Thank you!
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Hi Henry,
You have the right attiude in dealing with this. Just wanted you to know I’m proud of you and how well you are doing. I said a prayer for you this morning.
Anyway, take care & have a beautiful Sunday.
Jonetta
Thank you so much Jonetta, you guys have all been such a great help to me, believe me! Prayers heading back your way! Henry
totti_leo
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SA | 2 years, 6 months ago (1 day, 6 hours after post)
Women are women whereever u go around the world they all the same and the only savior is the teaching of islam . if u find a girl who follow that. ” realy not just in her ID card ” u will find ur dream girl they never leave u they always with u they love u and if they don’t the respect u
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Hi Henry, just wondering how things are. take care.
Thanks, I am WAY better, in fact, I would like you to read a letter I plan on sending her before I go. I will do it after I take the appropriate legal action to secure my visitation rights. I will, if you want, allow you to have my email. I would just love to share this letter with you guys! Also, thank you for all your help, and everyone else’s as well, really meant a lot to me to ‘talk’ to some good people. God Bless, Henry
The letter is very personal but i’d like to read it if you allow me to. thank you.
Ok, I have allowed you to get my email from my profile, just get it from there, send me a quick email, and I will send you the letter, Henry
are u in my friends list?
yea, done. send it when u can.
hi hfhubbard11,
I see that you are very frustrated with this. However, one thing I must point out is that reality is determined by our perceptions. When someone has a different brain, they will perceive the world in a different way. Imagine being a person with a different brain. What sort of choices would you make? Obviously, those choices would depend on how your brain functions and the information about the world that you perceive. Therefore, I disagree with labelling the mother of your child as being unfeeling, without a conscience or a psychopath. Please understand that a large factor affecting her decisions is her brain anatomy and brain chemistry.
Once you have a greater understanding of this situation, you will probably not feel as much resentment or the need to blame. This will allow you to think more clearly, look for and find solutions.
Believe me, I have considered all options and I have already taken these things under consideration. I do accept the fact that her brain is messed up but she decieved me as to who she really was. I am certain, based on her behavior and actions, that she is in fact a sociopath. Trust me, she has like 7 or 8 of the 10 major characteristics. I am being very fair in that assumption I think. Thank you for the input though…
Henry it took a while but I got the chance to read your email and have replied to it. Thank you for sharing it with me.
Thank you for being there for me Mitzy, it just felt good to get it off of my chest. I still don’t know if I will send it though, I think it will fall on deaf ears but I know how curious she is too…such a horrible shame this all has become. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, God Bless you and your family, Henry
You are very very welcome. It’s been great getting to know you and making a new friend. For that, I thank YOU. It is completely up to you whether you send the letter to her or not. Whatever you decide, I wish you the best. God bless you too! :)
I never did get your response Mitzy! And again, sorry for your loss in the family. If you wanna talk, you know how to reach me, H
I copied and sent it to your shoutbox, and you can reach me anytime also.
I would be very offended, how would the clerk know your personal likes and personality, you could be shopping for a gift for someone else. My thoughts about putting the item out of your sight, and reach they are impling that they think maby you would steal it, which would make me verry angry. Don’t shop there again, and inform the manager about why you will not shop there again.
It is always hard to loose someone that you love and care about, but like everything else in life, time will heal all wounds. Don’t let itget you down espically if you know you have done everything you can to save the relationship. It is even harder when a child is involved, make sure you go to the courts and get visation rights to see your child.
It’s already a done deal. I am already in the states and I have had great legal counsel before I left. Thanks for commenting. I have learned a great lesson in all this but it was also at great cost. Thanks, Henry
Hey Henry,
How’s it going and how are you doing? Just checking back to see if you’re okay.
Take care.
..........
ludabelle0
pvance2
[think peace]
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