My family is so crazy and messed up and I don’t know what to do.
I feel I need to help my mom.
The story is so long and convoluted and I has been going on for so long I can only give examples and tell you what I’ve seen and what my mom has told me.
Basically, my grandmother has never accepted my mom for who she is and never even said “I love you”. She manipulates her children to give her what she wants. She makes them pay for her stuff and do her favors, otherwise she shuns them and makes the family shun them, and so they’re afraid and attached to her.
My mom has always tried to help her, and now realizes she was always seeking her mother’s acceptance- which she never got. My grandma really treats her very badly. Like when she was younger, she made my mom get a babysitting job she didn’t get paid for, but then she later found out my grandma was collecting money for it. The best example that really makes me mad is that my mom when she had just gotten married, with her savings and hard work bought a small townhouse. It was too small for when I came into the picture, and my grandma wanted to move to the city we lived in. So, she guilted/manipulated my mom into giving her the house!!! She practically coerced her into signing the paper giving her the house. She made all my aunts and uncles stop talking to my mom until she signed it! She did, and never regretted it because my mom has a really big heart and is generous and wants to help her family. But now in her will my grandma is splitting the house equally amongst her 5 children! She’s so ungrateful and doesn’t respect my mom at all.
When they were children, she would randomly leave. Like one day they would wake up and mommy was gone for weeks at a time. My grandpa had to raise them and my mom is very grateful that he was always there for her even though he had his things too and always favored his youngest son. My grandmother is a misogynist! This has always bothered me. She is in the sense that she never made my mom’s brothers do any chores, the girls had to take turns serving everyone food and washing dishes and doing laundry.
My mom needed years of therapy to gain self esteem and to learn to respect herself. When I was young she would take out her frustrations on me and she didn’t want to keep hurting me so she went through many therapies with this wonderful organization called PRH (http://www.prh-usa.org/). She decided that she would continue to help her mother and family but that she would also respect herself and adopted an attitude of forgiveness. I really admire her. She’s sat down and told her mom, “mom you need to respect me. I am your daughter and the least you can show is basic respect towards me, even if you never tell me you love me. Why do you turn your children against each other?” things like that, but to no avail. She just ignores her.
Now I need to talk about my aunt. My mother shares her status as eldest daughter with her identical twin. They haven’t really talked for years. My aunt has a lot of resentment for my mom and treats her very badly. When they were young, my aunt got married and started having children. They had very bad financial troubles, and my mom got them through their hard times. She would buy diapers and food for my cousins and even kept the whole family in her house for a few months while they got settled. She has returned my mother’s kindness with hatred and mistreatment. I think my aunt has serious mental issues and may have some sort of victim mentality that makes her blame everything on others. I think this is so because even though they were identical twins, from what I hear, my mom was always thinner and easier to get along with (so probably more popular). My aunt is unable to hold a steady job, she always quits. She raised her oldest son to be so spoiled rotten that he doesn’t respect anyone. He did drugs, mooched off the entire family, and now he left to some other city for some mysterious “job”. He never graduated college even though he was in computer engineering when it was at its peak and it was starting to boom (I was like in 3rd grade so it must’ve been like 10 years ago). Basically my whole family hates him now because he’s been such a mooching ungrateful bastard. I think my aunt has made her other two daughters hate my mother and even myself, although I never see them. I haven’t seen them in years!
So for a few years my aunt has been a self-proclaimed Christian (born again maybe?) which is so hypocritical because she treats her family like ****!
Ok just so you can see what kind of person she is:
When I was around 12 or 13, my grandfather had a severe stroke. The effects were heightened by the fact that he was home alone at the time (of course my grandma wasn’t around…) and we suspect he had the stroke in the morning (coffee machine turned on, pajamas) and my mom and I found him at 7 PM! (That was one of the most traumatizing experiences of my life, but I could fill an entire post on that…). So the whole family congregated at the hospital’s ICU waiting to hear word about my grandfather (except my grandma she was out of town so she didn’t live through most of it and was in denial when we told her he wouldn’t be able to drive anymore. And the only reason it ever upset her was because now my grandpa wouldn’t be able to do everything for her such as driver her around and pay the bills- she confessed this to me and it was the first time I ever saw her in tears. He always spoiled her). The question of expenses came up. Hospital care, especially at an ICU is very expensive. Everyone was in shock, and very scared, but they needed to start thinking about how to split the hospital bill. So everyone is talking about how, well yes let’s split it. Then my aunt starts crying and making a big scene, wailing about how she’s so poor and she will not help with paying the bill (even though her husband is a pediatrician and she is a teacher, she just chooses not to work). Said and done, she never paid one cent for my grandfather’s hospital bill, everyone else had to split it. The following months were work-intensive trying to get my grandfather rehabilitated and when we couldn’t afford an at-home nurse, my mom and uncle would take turns going and doing the rehabilitation exercises with my grandpa. My aunt never went. She must’ve felt it was somebody else’s responsibility to help him or something, but she never helped him not even once. Against the doctors’ predictions, my grandfather was able to walk again, but very slowly. And he can no longer speak. This was devastating to most of us, but we learned to deal with it and my grandpa has taken it in great stride and with good humor (except taking his medicine…)
Ok so back the present. My aunt’s second daughter is about to get married. She’s the first cousin to get married out of all ten of us. My mom and uncle’s wife organized my cousin’s bachelorette party with the family, but of course my aunt never thanked them for their kindness. Then at her big bachelorette party (I don’t know why she had two… I was away at college and this is what I heard) she had a gift list! She’s asking for two gifts! One for her bachelorette party and one for her wedding. My aunt basically abused my mother the whole time. She yelled at her not to touch the gifts for the guests and also treated other friends of the family in that manner.
The other day, my uncle overheard my aunt telling my grandma that her siblings *had* to organize an after-the-wedding party and she even made a list of what each of them had to bring. My uncle ran out of there before they could ask him. How dare she?! This makes me so mad. So when my grandma told my mom about the list and asked her what she was bringing my mom told her flat out , no, my sister has been very rude and I will not help her. And my grandma told her she was starting a fight and all this stuff. So my mom stood up to her and told her how my aunt is such a horrible sister and that how can she let her do this. Now my grandma is trying to approach me. She called and said, I want to see you I miss you, and all this stuff. Which she always does when I come back from college for vacation, but still, it’s a difficult situation for me: I don’t want to avoid my grandpa he’s a good guy and always has been to me, but now my mom is avoiding my grandma because she’s so hurt and doesn’t want anymore to do with my cousin’s wedding. Frankly I think that’s the right thing. I just don’t know what to do! My family is so disappointing! (for the most part) and my grandmother is so manipulative and horrible. My aunt’s two daughters have sought me out on the internet, but I don’t think their intentions are innocent, especially with all the poison their mother’s been feeding them for their whole lives. I feel like there is no winning situation any way I look at it. I’ve told my mom I’m here for her, but I wish I could help more. My grandmother is truly a poison to my mother and has caused her so much pain her whole life. How can I help my mom?
Is there anything I can do at all? Sometimes I think I can’t do much just get away from the members of my family who are like that, but even then, my whole family has proven a disappointment.
None of them showed up to my high school graduation party. I don’t think it was avoiding me but more like they didn’t care to drive all the way to where it was. It was so disappointing. It was all my friends and friends of the family. My grandma didn’t go because my one uncle was supposed to give her a ride but he never showed up. She actually called me in tears saying how sorry she was she didn’t go and sent me $50 (unheard of, coming from her). Ok sorry about the random extra story.
Thank you for reading my whole story I really appreciate it.
Your advice is welcome and appreciated.
Since writing this post soyinfinita may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. soyinfinita is a verified member, has been around for 6 years, 11 months and has 4 posts and 706 replies to their name.
Invite Others to Help
Seeing as this post is closed, no invites are allowed.