I’m in Love and its tearing me apart!
I am so horrible to everyone around me. i can be obsessive and addictive. i may not have a ’serious’ problem but i am depressed and i have no idea what direction to turn or even who to talk to. i must be anyway for writing to a help website when i havent even disscussed this with my best friend. my grandparents are living with me and my parents. my grandma gets on my nerves!! she only comes upstairs for dinner but every time she does and my mom isnt home she asks me what i want to eat! she insists on soup and a second every day! and she needs me to almost hold her hand. if it were up to me, soup is just fine for a meal. why not eh? i dont want to eat until i burst every single meal and that is her way. she’s italian so i asume that explains it but im TIRED of it all! i would like to be a normal nineteen year old who doesnt have to look after her feeble grandparents. I’m an awful person for even thinking that! **** it all! then there is the love of my life. how am a supposed to say ‘hey, i like you’? its not possible and i dont think i could do it. there are an infinate numbers of ‘what ifs’ what if he rejects me? what if im just kidding myself? what if im meant to be alone all my life? cause i sure cant see myself living with someone for years or even having a relatioship with someone. Oh my God i am pathetic! i kid myself into believing i can cut it as a writer and yet here i am… im melodramatic and i lie to myself. no i dont tell lies to people i care about, only to myself because i really couldnt care less what happens to me. i just dont want my family hurt. i need to get out of this town and fast. im not happy here and i dont really think i would be happy anywhere. im hopless (and a romantic. maybe that’s my problem… i want to be happy because i think that would be that happy ending) my happy ending is noexistant. i have my faith (was baptised catholic but i believe that the soul is reborn) maybe this is the lifetime when my soul suffers in preperation for some final life before the world ends where i will be happy. how will you know happiness if you dont know suffering? i never thought i could love. i felt… dead… because i couldnt love. i always thought that you have love you have to have hate. i never hated anything and i still dont HATE anything. i dislike things but i understand. i understand to much! there is so much that doesnt make sense but i accept it and i understand it! but i dont BELIEVE it. that way i wont disappoint people and they cant hurt me with lies. i want to trust people i really do but i have no idea how. if i do that then they wont call when they say they will or they wont be there for me when i need them. i know i annoy people. people annoy me all the time. i am the easiest person to annoy out of everyone i know. i have my dads temper but i also let people walk all over me… or rather i move out of their way. i cant stand up to people. wow this is very long! i am so sorry for whoever may read this. i will post this but im not going to expect replies. who would on this thing? It hasnt helped but i had a good nice long rant and i dont feel like reeming out the first person i talk to you. whatever.
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