friends help: I feel like I struggle more than I should have to. - Help.com

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Some people struggle with internal motivation. There’s nothing inherently wrong with that, just like there’s nothing wrong with being an introvert, or struggling with Algebra…you just need to learn to make what you have work. Unfortunately, externally motivated people don’t usually do well when they’re self employed, since there isn’t anyone (or anything) to keep them motivated.

If you really want to change, maybe you should think about going to work for someone else!

prayers are with you. take some time out and give yourself a break. listen to what ur heart says. send a prayer to heaven today.

Lift yourself up to God every morning and have Faith in all you do and all you need. It is by Faith that things come about and it is by doubt that we do without. Ask our Loving Father to grant you the wisdom that you need to be a success. Good luck and I wish you the best.

You sound like someone who was taught to fear trying. Your dad?

I’m self-employed as well, and I know part of the reason is because the corporate office environment was as unappreciative and constantly criticizing (never good enough) as my relationship with my father had been. My clients love me, and that makes all the difference, but I know it is because what I do is so beyond what they know, they can’t criticize much — to them, what I do is miraculous.

Counseling and Al-anon have helped me, but nothing replaces my father really looking at how his parenting practices negatively affected me (and the rest of his children). My wish for you is that you will be able to have an honest talk with your father about how you were hurt, and that he will give you what you need.

I’ve recently thought a lot about my childhood (I’m 42) and how it set me up for codependency and a host of other issues. I’ve asked throughout my life, “Where is my strength?”

This past week, after hearing a woman’s story about her relationship with her mother in an Al-anon meeting, I began thinking of an allegorical story to frame my feelings. It’s rough, but the idea is this:

When I was a boy, my father asked me to dig a well worthy enough to receive his love and approval. So, I dug a hole knowing only that a well was a hole in the ground. My father said it wasn’t wide enough, so I made it wider. Then he said it wasn’t deep enough, so I made it deeper. Then he said I had to line the walls with bricks, but I didn’t know how to make bricks, and he didn’t instruct me. I made bricks, and they were bad, so I hid them from him and made more bricks until I thought they were good. I was proud, and he said they were good bricks, but they could be better.

When I struck stone, he told me to dig through, but would not help me when I asked, and moved away before the well was made good enough to receive his love.

I worked a little on the well from time-to-time, and there came into my life people who thought the well was lovely, and would want to put coins in the well. I would see them open their purses or reach into their pockets, and would be afraid.

“I know what you are about to do, please don’t,” I would say.
“I only want to wish you well,” they would say.
“That is the place for my father’s well-wishes, not yours. Please don’t put coins in the well.”
“It is only a penny,” they would say. “You’ll be a penny richer,” and they would throw their penny in the well.

I would become upset, retrieve the penny, and give it back to them.

“Please, take your penny. Take two; your well-wishes for me, and my well-wishes for you.”

It’s where I am today. I know I’ve been refusing love for at least two reasons 1) I could not accept love because I’ve been “protecting” some space to receive the love of my father, 2) I could not see my needs as worth fulfilling myself. Both problems came from my relationship with my father.

Gam-anon is most specifically created for the support of friends and family of problem gamblers: http://www.gam-anon.org/meeting.asp

Al-anon can work for you if there are no Gam-anon meetings in your area: http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetin…

The most important thing is working your own program of recovery.

One very common experience for those growing up with any kind of addict is the inability to safely express their feelings, never mind having those feelings valued. You probably have a lot in common with adult children of alcoholics/addicts.

thank you for the insight and the well story, oster. It’s good to know that al anon might be the right place for me to be as well. I have the same feelings and problems as has been described here. I was thinking of joining al anon because of a close friend who’s in aa, but I realize now that it might really be for me…for me!

Yes, Shelton! For YOU. Crazy idea, isn’t it?

Honestly, I’m not sure how the well story progresses from here, or how it ends. But it’s on my mind from time-to-time.