life help: I am so very lost yet again. - Help.com

well, can u pleas explain what’s making u so upsed…
is it the death of ure mom??

me too, but you have to find a way.. i know that does not help, but what more can i say..test after test, and no matter how many we pass, there is just another test.

but, if I give up, then i know , in heaven or hell, i will suffer from it forever.

My mom died more then 3 years ago and I miss her terribly, but I have learned to love her and feel her with me even though I can not see her. What is making me upset is that people love me. Loving people and having people love me makes life worth living, but it also makes me not want to live. No matter how much I love someone I always end up causing them pain and pushing them away until they do not love me anymore. I don’t blame them. I guess when I trust someone, I trust too much and give them too much to handle. I tell them too much and let them see too much about me until it overwhelms them and they give up on me. I just don’t want to hurt anyone anymore or have anyone quit on me anymore, but I also can’t stand to hide away from the world and not love and trust anyone.

I seem to be unable to stop myself from causing pain to others so no matter what I will suffer for the rest of my life and for all eternity knowing what I have done.

same, same same..and i do not admit this often, specially not to an anon poster, but really, same here..mostly..i have my days.

every word after Mom…see, mine died less than 6 months ago, and we neverh= had a great relationship..long story, not for now…but look, we HAVE to keep trying.

we have to TRY to do good, even of we fail, because if we don’t try, we might as well be evil…hope you can get this.

Have you been had any therapy?

nope, bu ti cope pretty well.

AKS-Why do we have to keep trying? If all I do is cause pain to others, would it not be best to hide away and pray for death. I have tried to kill myself too many times and do not believe that is a possibility for me anymore, but I still want to die. Not to end my own pain, but to end the pain I cause others.

maxim-I have had years of therapy. It has not helped. The most help I have gotten is from friends who have no psychology degree, who have no training to be therapists, but who loved me and just wanted to help because they cared. And somehow, I end up hurting them too.

saggezza- So many things make me happy. I couldn’t see happiness before, but now I can and in some ways that makes things more painful. I want to live to see more happiness but I want to die so I do not cause anyone any more pain. Going for a walk makes me happy, playing with my dog, a hug, a smile, a laugh, a light rain, a calm breeze on a hot day, swimming, spending time with someone who cares about me, writing, music, dreams of a future.

Well, there went the anonymous thing lol

well dying will be an escape from life
it will be the end
and wether u died or ure still alive those people u hurt will always think the same about u
and staying alive is the only way to change
dear u have to understand that as long as u live as long as u have hope to change what u have done
and god is keeping u alive coz he is giving u a chance a new chance
every single person in this world is here for a reason
and it looks like u know the problem ure facing wich mean u had solve a part of it u can just change that little part of that trust too much
well, u have to see the good side in ure life like the fact that people loves u
just have faith in god
and dont tell too much about ure self
and if u cant just talk to some of ure siblings
or ure dad

we have to keep trying…it’s just the way it is…water is wet, the sky is blue, and we have to keep on keepin on….humans been doing it forever and a day.

and we all crush a flower walking down the path now and then, but do we just stop walking?

you try, you fail, you try again…don’t try to hide behind the old ” to keep from hurting others” thing..been there, done that..

if you really care about others, thats why you keep trying, duh ( not a mean duh, btw)

God gives me so many chances and He brings so many wonderful people into my life and I always ruin it. It’s not that I don’t want people to think badly of me, it is that I don’t want to hurt people. I know I am here for a reason and honestly I know I could have a positive effect on the world, but I also know that I seem incapable of having any type of relationship with anyone without hurting them. Most people who have known me have given up on the idea of me even living, much less succeeding in life. I have a few people left who believe in me and somehow I end up causing them pain and driving them away. I just don’t want to keep going if I am going to hurt people.

did u mean to hurt them or that happened unconciusly??
and did u hurt them all the same way??

AKS- I understand what you are saying about the “don’t try to hide behind the old ‘to keep from hurting others’ thing”. That has been an excuse for previous attempts, but at this point I truly would love to keep living and going after some goals I have in life, but it seems cruel to continue to put people through dealing with me.

sally-lilo- I never mean to hurt them. I don’t want to hurt people, I just do. I hurt them all because they cared about me and loved me and wanted to help me and I can never be what they want or need me to be. It is too difficult to love someone who has the problems I have and see that they can’t change the way they need to.

JoJo, i swear to God, you describe me so well. but, but..me from 2 days ago, or me from 2 days from now..not me right now..i know, makes no sense…maybe i am saying is that from here, 2 days ago seems silly, and 2 days from now so far away i can’t even see it.

I KNOW what you are talking about, I am Friends with friends of yours..what else can i say right now?

and, i went thru the phase were i cut off from everyone..guess what, hurt them more than i could have hurt them before…think it thru.

Actually AKS that makes a lot of sense. The happy, optimistic, goal oriented me was the me from like a day ago and hopefully from tomorrow. I’m sorry, I’m a little slow sometimes, what do you mean you are Friends with friends of mine? I think I might have gotten everyone who cared about me to a point where they really wouldn’t mind if I just disappeared and didn’t talk to anyone. There are still two, maybe three people who would care at first, but I think then they would be angry with me and then they would realize that I am not the person they cared about anyway and would be glad I was gone. I have gone through times where I just isolated myself before. It is always very painful, but I have seen it really help people around me.

well if they want to help u, they should help u for the person u r not the person they want u to be or they need you to be
maybe it’s not that way so if they r truly ure freinds i think u should sacrifice a little
and “AKSLOGISTIC” is right
listen to him coz he is giving u a chance to learn from his past experience that he could get over finally
hope u do too

sally, thank you for caring and for helping. When I say that I hurt people because I can never be what they want me or need me to be, I mean that they only want the best for me and I continually fail. I have so many struggles that I consistently deal with and sometimes (more often lately) I seem to really be beating them and moving on, but then something happens and I fall back and have to fight the same fight over again and it frustrates me to no end so how can I expect people who really don’t have to deal with it to stick around when it looks like I am never making progress, I am just repeating old struggles.

r u a teenager??
i mean r u having teenagers stress??

Friends on here, JOJO, and i have followed some of the back and forth. and you have interacted with me more than once.

and when you isolated, and “SAW” it helped people around you…that is not really what you saw, just what you percieved…you saw it becasue it was what fitted into the mentality you had at the time.

currently, i have 30 dollars, live in a trailer, have a car i they want to reposses, and a crappy job..among other bigger issues….but when i ignore my friends, it hurts them WORSE than when i lay my problems at their feet.

haha, that is more of a mantra than a saying. but i like it.

well, i think that seeing all these people caring and accuring to help u ,give advices, trying to make feel better without even knowing u … will make really feel better
coz whatever u do there is always someone taking ure hand …
….. FREINDS …..

The funny thing is that I came to this site while I was completely isolating from people thinking it could be a way to have contact with people without them being in my life enough to hurt them. Instead, I made great friends who are a big part of my life and I still hurt them. It is so hard to try and have contact with people without really caring.

No I am not a teenager.

I see what you are saying that maybe that is just what I perceived AKS. You might be right. I guess I am just hoping that there is some way I can stop from hurting people. Some friends I have know very little about me and only know what I can’t keep from them. Those friends tend to stay around longer. It’s people I really trust that I end up hurting. I think I am too sick to be able to have a close friendship with anyone.

saggezza- Thank you so much for your kindness and encouragement. I am very passionate about things and that sometimes makes things harder. I am getting better at participating in things that make me happy. It’s actually been quite incredible to see everything that has changed for me and has allowed me to do things that make me happy. It’s only been a little while since I couldn’t do anything at all. It’s just that I get happy and I start venturing out and then I get close to people and then I hurt them and then I can’t stand that I hurt them and I wind up right back here.

Sally-It is really nice and wonderful to see people caring about me and wanting to help me. It softens my heart and my desperate sadness.

here is another reason we keep on trying, one way or another..look at her avatar.

http://help.com/user/35179-sidani

OOOOHHHH!!! Sidani’s baby is soooooo cute!

I think mostly I am just tired and kind of worn out from an upsetting incident tonight. I’m sure I’ll be fine and smacking myself in the head for freaking out soon lol I really appreciate you guys talking to me and helping me through this. I have spent so much of my life feeling completely alone. It is so nice to realize that there are wonderful people out there who care and want to help. I have seen that so much since I found help.com. God bless you guys

yeah, in a strange way, those kids are another reason to keep on. even if we don’t have any, we still gotta do our part to make it a better world..and that does not mean hiding in a hole. gotta go to work now, talk later.

Thanks for your help AKS. You are right, that is a wonderful thing to keep in mind. It is important to do everything possible to make the world better for the kids who are just starting to experience life and decide what life is all about. Thanks again. I hope work goes well. God bless you

Go for it saggezza. I am always open to CONSTRUCTIVE criticism.

Coolio, I was wondering if you just left me to wonder what your constructive criticism might be lol

Saggezza, I totally understand what you are saying and you are definitely right. Thank you for sharing this with me and for doing it in a kind and constructive way. Hearing that truth really helps me get my mind back on track and I needed that. Thank you. God bless :)

well dear i don’t know how old r u and why u r so upset but i thik life desrve to be lived even if it is hard.
usuallu people r the first problem of this life and sometimes they push us to loose confidence but always remember that escaping will lead u to the heart of ur problem and will not take u away from it.
but facing urself and urproblems will give u force and makes u stronger so u can challenge life.
don’t ever run away from urself and remember always that everyone has the two sides inside himself and u should let the optimistic side win.
gud luc

wow.. took long enough for someone to say it. Saggezza is on the money… too much is responsibility is being taken onto your own shoulders for other peoples happiness. Ultimately… we do not make other people happy. Happiness is personal choice, always. I’m not sure I’d call it selfish… it’s selflessness, but to a martyr type level. (which in a given light I could see how some would call it selfish). Jojo.. your counsel here has always been very good; impressive even. I think we all need to just be ourself… love ourself… then everything else will fall into place. Can you look into a mirror and say to your reflection… I LOVE YOU!?
Bright blessings~
Richard

qtdee- I am 24 years old. Thank you so much for your encouragement. I know I am definitely more of a problem to me then the people around me. There are some who make it more difficult to keep up my self confidence, but I have some wonderful friends who encourage me sooooo much. I will keep going and facing my problems and I will keep working to let the optimistic side win. Thanks again and god bless.

Richard- Thank you for your encouragement too. The kindness on this site is something wonderful that at times amazes me. You are definitely right. I can not make other people happy and I need to remember that. I play the martyr too much in life sometimes and I need to get a grip on that. Thank you for saying that my counsel on here has been good. That means so incredibly much to me. I have found such love and kindness on this site and I desperately want to be able to give back and effect someones life the way people on this site have effected mine. I am having more and more days where I can look into the mirror and say “I love you”. For me it is still hard, but I am getting there. Thanks again and God bless.

**hugs Aks**
**hugs JoJo**

Thanks Anonymous. You are sweet. But why are you being Anonymous about giving hugs?