friends help: i have a friend who’s being abused. - Help.com

Are you serious?

Yes it’s serious enough to have him sent to jail. Especially if he is a minor. And you should report it. Period.

what would happen to him though?

Well, is he a minor or an adult?

Wait, doesn’t matter. It needs to be reported.

that’s the thing he’s most afriad of. would he really get sent to foster care?

I don’t know. It would depend on several factors. Like having other relatives who can care for him…

he has noone. he’s only sixteen so he can’t live by himself.

He has absolutely no relatives? That’s hard to believe.

how else is he being treated? like does he live in some dump and have no food? or are they filthy rich?

his mom died when he was just a baby and his dad never talks about any of her reletives, or her for that matter. and he says that his dad is an only child and his grandparents both died when he was about ten.

he lives in a basically normal house besides his dad. he always has food and clothes and everything.

Ok. Regardless, the abuse needs to be reported. Plain and simple. Social services, flawed as it may be, will still try to track down any relatives he has and ask if they are willing to care for him. You’d be surprised who will come out of the wood works when someone is in neeed.

what if noone does though? then what? i don’t think i’m willing to turn him in on the slight chance that he might have some hidden relative that he’s never heard of. does anyone know what would happen if he really doesn’t have anyone?

well he would probably go into foster care, right? he is still a minor after all…

“i guess it’s not that bad”… saying that is kind of a bad sign, you know. the worst thing about these situations is that the poor kid grows up thinking that such treatment is normal and all that they deserve.

a report like this will probably go to whatever child services agency there is in your area… i know that in america, the dad would likely be sentenced to compulsory rehab, and the son would be sent to relatives, or they’d find him a home.

and there are lots of families that would be willing to take in a 16 year old, believe it or not. fostering isn’t the same as buying a pet! you don’t need to buy the foster kid as a baby to value him… :p

my advice: don’t report it yourself just yet, but try to get him to do it for himself. explain to him that it’s just a bad situation all around and he ought to be in a better place, and that nothing good will come of just ignoring it. but if he refuses, and this goes on… then you’re doing him a favor if you report it yourself.

p.s. you can talk to the child services people *BEFORE* you make your official report thingy, if you want to be sure that a home will be found for him

Call this number and they can tell you exactly what will happen in your area, and what help there is: 1-800-422-4453. You can also give this number to your friend — they have child abuse counselors on staff, and you two can be completely anonymous.

If you call the police, they may contact child protective services to investigate, and they should.

It is possible, since your friend is 16, that he can (and he should) say who he would like to stay with for the time being.

I advise talking to your parents since it’s possible they may want your friend to stay with them. If your friend has no family, then the court, CPS, and the police may allow him to stay with you if your parents express the desire to have your friend there.

Should your friend be put into foster care, there is a good chance he will be with foster parents who know exactly how to love and respect your friend in a way that allows him to heal.

I understand your concerns, and your friend’s, but this must end — it gets worse.

Please call the above number.

Yes, if child services can’t find a relative to care for him, he will be placed in foster care.

But foster care isn’t the horror movie of the week you see on television all the time. There are actually a ton of great people who foster children.

won’t they like know somethings up if i go and ask a bunch of questions? could i really talk to someone and then just change my mind and decide to not report it? or if they think that i might not report it if i hear something i don’t like, would they just tell me what i want to hear?.

there is also a slight chance of another family in the neighborhood taking him in, and if you did go to social workers or such, they would not lie to you, but in terms of making them forget what you said, i don’t know

You don’t have to tell who you are or who your friend is.

You can go and ask questions all day long. But if you refuse to give them specifics, there’s nothing they can do to get them from you except ask you over and over. Which they will probably do. But I think you should go and ask those questions, for your sanity and his protection.

yes you can - just call up and say “i have a friend in [the situation], but we’re afraid to make a full report and get people involved, because he doesn’t want to end up without a home. can you assure me he’ll be taken care of?”

if they don’t make you feel sure enough, then you can just say “oh, well i don’t think we’ll take action then, but thanks anyways”

(but i really hope that doesn’t happen)

You really should report this. In the end, your friend will thank you for it. In my experience, abuse tends to escalate as it goes on. I think foster care is better than living with an abusive parent. I’ve had abusive parents and I’ve been in foster care. All I know is that when I was younger, all I wanted was someone to say something to someone for me. I didn’t tell anyone that I wanted help but I really wished it.

I agree with el Trent about talking to child services first.

His dad can go to jail, depending on how bad the abuse is. He can also be forced to take a type of rehabilitation on parenting skills and such. The son would be put into foster care if there were no relatives.

You really should call a help line at least… they won’t know who you are. If you do decide to report it (meaning you tell them who this man is), they will not forget it if you change your mind - they are bound by law to go through the necessary procedures.

Please tell someone about this… every abused child wants help whether they say so or not.

And, if you really are this person’s friend, you wouldn’t keep quiet about this because you care to much for him. I don’t want to sound rude… but it’s true.

I promise you the people who get involved will be interested in your friend’s safety and wellbeing — which is not his father’s concern. They will always prefer to place your friend with someone your friend knows; foster care is the last option because they know your friend will feel safer with people he knows.

If the situation is reported, the state will assign a caseworker to talk to your friend in a safe place, work with your friend’s friends and family, will advocate your friend in court (possibly including allowing your friend to stay with you), and get your friend the protection he needs. The caseworker may also request the court require your friend’s father to go through rehab.

Depends on what state you live in. In the redneck country they wouldn’t even bother coming to the house. In the city where CPS rules they might come out and take your friend away.

Where is redneck country exactly?

I think you should listen to PluckyDog here, as he appears to have first hand experience on the matter. And is offering some good advice.

Actually, he is a she lol.

yes indeed, the internet has spoken, now you know what to do, senor anonymous…

Please accept my apologies for my faux pas.

No worries!

I live in redneck country ~chuckles~ That would be anyplace 200 miles away from any major city like Seattle, San Diego, Chicago, etc.

You got city folk and country folk. I just call em rednecks because I am one ~snickers~ It’s kind of like a pollock telling a Polish Joke. Somehow I guess it makes it ok when your funnin’ about your own kind ~chuckles~

@ OccultPizz, just checkin…I take a bit of offense to that term..even if it’s from “my own kind”. Honestly, I just don’t care for derogatory terms period. Either they are wrong or they aren’t, shouldn’t matter who says it. But since it’s appropriate for you to say it because you “are a redneck” I’ll just move along.

Although, I am glad you pointed out that “rednecks” don’t just hail from “The South”, about time someone else noticed that.

well, thanks a lot for all the help. i think i’m gonna call the hotline in the morning.
but, to anyone who’s actually been through the process of the whole foster care thing, if you don’t mind, could you give me a little bit about what it was really like for you? i really want to have his consent before i report anything and i think it would be easier if i knew what it was really like.