Love help: The relationship I have been in for the last 2 1/2 years has ended again for the millionth time.

gymmike

The relationship I have been in for the last 2 1/2 years has ended again for the millionth time.

We have this toxic pattern and it doesn’t seem to work. No matter how much we want to be together we can’t I guess. I know it’s probably very obvious that we should just end it for good… but for some reason I can’t let it go. I really care about this person but problems always seem to happen between us and it doesn’t get better, well maybe for a few weeks until another argument or something he thinks I am doing wrong again.

I am kind of worried and depressed this week and am having a hard time letting go of him. Finding a reason to call him a few times a day, you know… things he is getting mad at me because I’m not leaving him alone. I start to panic and wonder what he’s doing etc… I don’t want to feel like this and should be happy that if it is over… I don’t have to deal with all the crap we usually were dealing with together, I should be happy to move on and seek something new or better myself. I just don’t know how to do it… I start to do other things then something reminds my brain to think of him and then I’m trying to find a way to call or email him. Which of course… makes it worse!

Can someone help with some advice that might just kick my butt into grear?? I have so many emotions going through at this moment and I am worried about myself… I just want to not feel this way and wish I never had met him for this reason… of feeling like I do now.

I feel like there is no one that understands the pain I am experiencing right now or there is no one to talk to about this. I can’t concentrate or don’t want to do anything I usually like to do…

He said before that he always felt we should have just been friends from the beginning… I guess that was my red flag but I never saw it… Now I feel like I’m in a hole and can’t get out. I just want to be over this whole thing and move on…

Thanks in advance for any advice!

This open post was written 2 years, 4 months ago | V/U/S: 283, 10, 6 | Edit Post | Leave a reply | Report Post

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Since writing this post gymmike may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days. gymmike is a verified member, has been around for 2 years, 4 months and has 1 posts and 3 replies to their name.

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friends, brain, red, Flag, Pain and nociception, Emotion, happiness, e-mail, Week, Kick, break ups, divorce, relationship advice, moving on, Help, bad relationship, ended, Love (How Tags Affect Reciprocity)

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gymmike changed the tags on this post: they were "friends, brain, red, Flag, Pain and nociception, Emotion, happiness, e-mail, Week, Kick" 2 years, 4 months ago.

hemmingt 2 #
Exeter, D4, GB | 2 years, 4 months ago (2 minutes after post)

time is the best healer

Help me with: Argggghhhhh!

divesky 1 #
Arcata, CA, US | 2 years, 4 months ago (28 minutes after post)

Have you sought counseling? Try reading “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus”, I know it sounds cheesy, at least I thought it did until I read it and it helped my girlfriend and I deal with our repetitive patterns. Another good one that helped a lot is “Real Love” by Greg Baer. Whether or not things work out, both of those will help you be a better person and better understand relationships.

Help me with: I need an opinion on a car, well a subaru in fact.

nicolelamanna #
Minneapolis, MN, US | 2 years, 4 months ago (31 minutes after post)

Every time you feel like calling him bust out your journal and write down the excuse you would make up to call him - as a title.
Write down how you would want the conversation to go.
Read it over.
Read it over again.
Read it over for a third time.
Ask yourself if that is how any conversation has ever gone between you two when talking about “us”.
Ask yourself again.
Now write what it is that you are really seeking from him (it must be something or you two would not keep getting back together).
Support
Approval
Reassurance
If you can’t think of anything you are seeking from him.
Ask your self what he is seeking from you (it must be something or you two would not keep getting back together).
Support
Approval
Reassurance
An excuse
It could be anything.
Ask your self if that is a healthy way to be utilized in your life, if it is acceptable to you.
Is he an energy sink? Taking, taking and taking or needing, needing, needing.
Are you the energy sink?
There is only one question left…
After you have asked your self all of these things after you have answered these few but important questions. Ask your self, “what else is there?” Give your mind a minute to think of life revolving around you only - visualize.
If your answer is nothing - you are your way to continuing the same unhealthy and damaging cycle and I suggest seeking help for love addition immediately and with a professional.
If your answer is anything else but nothing - the real work now begins.
Depending on your answer you may want to:
1. List short term personal goals
a. ways to achieve goals
2. List short term career goals
a. ways to achieve (no doubt that the energy you have been expending weather you are the sink or he is has not allowed you to fully develop yourself professionally).
3. DEAD LINES
a. Consequences if dead lines are not met.
b. More importantly rewards WHEN dead lines are met.
4. Look into a Love Addicts (LLA) group in your area.

And luck has nothing to do with it. Choices, strength and hard work - it’s life - get used to it.

Every time you feel like calling him bust out your journal and write down the excuse you would make up to call him - as a title.
Write down how you would want the conversation to go.
Read it over.
Read it over again.
Read it over for a third time.
Ask yourself if that is how any conversation has ever gone between you two when talking about "us".
Ask yourself again.
Now write what it is that you are really seeking from him (it must be something or you two would not keep getting back together).
Support 
Approval
Reassurance
If you can't think of anything you are seeking from him.
Ask your self what he is seeking from you (it must be something or you two would not keep getting back together).
Support 
Approval
Reassurance
An excuse
It could be anything.
Ask your self if that is a healthy way to be utilized in your life, if it is acceptable to you.
Is he an energy sink?  Taking, taking and taking or needing, needing, needing.
Are you the energy sink?
There is only one question left...
After you have asked your self all of these things after you have answered these few but important questions.  Ask your self, "what else is there?”  Give your mind a minute to think of life revolving around you only - visualize.  
If your answer is nothing - you are your way to continuing the same unhealthy and damaging cycle and I suggest seeking help for love addition immediately and with a professional.
If your answer is anything else but nothing - the real work now begins.
Depending on your answer you may want to:
1. List short term personal goals 
   a. ways to achieve goals
2. List short term career goals
   a. ways to achieve (no doubt that the energy you have been expending weather you are the sink or he is has not allowed you to fully develop yourself professionally).
3. DEAD LINES
   a. Consequences if dead lines are not met.  
   b. More importantly rewards WHEN dead lines are met.
4. Look into a Love Addicts (LLA) group in your area.

And luck has nothing to do with it.  Choices, strength and hard work - it's life - get used to it.

This account has been deactivated.

WantMore 1 #
An Undisclosed Location | 2 years, 4 months ago (1 hour, 6 minutes after post)

Don’t do this to yourself. On again, off again relationships can be exhausting…

gymmike 0 #
Concord, NH, US | 2 years, 4 months ago (1 hour, 14 minutes after post)

Hey everyone… Thanks for some of these suggestions. I really appreciate it. It is very exhausting situation and I think some of the friction comes from being two different people with not a lot in common, although I think we think we do. I think I also have a drinking problem which in looking over some of the postings on this site might be very true. We have had a lot of problems at parties when we’ve been drinking. I’m feeling really lost about all this and maybe am trying to deal with everything all at once. On top of trying not to contact him (which is incredibly stupid on my part…) I’m dealing with all these other emotions going on. I think I am drinking nightly to drown out the feeling!

Sorry to sound whiney and down about all this… I guess I’m talking out loud to find out some advice.

Thanks again!

Lil El 5 #
Cranleigh, P6, GB | 2 years, 4 months ago (2 hours, 28 minutes after post)

Hello. You mentioned that you feel compleatly alone in this situation and i have just read your post and it struck a heart string with me.. Exactly the same has just happened to me. Me and my guy split up. He is with someone else now but he still says he loves me and this keeps me calling him and making excuses just to hear him say it. Only now he is getting fed up of me calling and I feel so lost and down. I try to distract myself with tasks but It barely seems to work. All i keep thinking about is if i could just be near him. It is a comfort to know that there are other people who dont like to give up on the love they feel like me. I know its pointless to keep trying. Cant take the punishment. But I hope you get through it. I wish you all the luck with sorting everything. Please try to stop drinking, Its not worth killing your liver over. There is so much life out there to see and do and you wont remember it if your drunk. I wish you love and luck xxxxxxx

gymmike 0 #
Concord, NH, US | 2 years, 4 months ago (2 hours, 39 minutes after post)

Hey thanks for the reply Lil El… I know it’s the vicious cycle of any attention at all shown by him keeps me going back and thinking we should try this again, trying to convince him it’ll all change and be different when you know the relationship is dead but I think thats part of the problem… It has taken up so much time of my life that without it now to fill space and time… i am left feeling lost.
Actually one of the books divesky recommended (Real Love, by Greg Baer) I looked at online a few excerpts… It sounds like a good book that I am going to go to get tonight.
Yes… there are other people like us that don’t like to give up I guess… Sounds like everyone keeps saying it will get better… Sometimes I wish i could just turn feelings off, or at least I wish I was the one who wanted to break it off…

Thanks for the comments. I hope it gets better for you too!

Lil El 5 #
Cranleigh, P6, GB | 2 years, 4 months ago (2 hours, 59 minutes after post)

I wish the same..You cant stop loving them I guess we jus have to keep trying to distract oursleves from it. Its like going on the worst diet imaginable, trying to fill the now lots of extra time you have in your life. I just cant wait to not feel that heavy sinking feeling in my heart when i wake up alone.. I know your not supposed to need men there, but I love the big arms holding you and the cuddles. Time to move on then. I think the best solution is to be glad of our new freedoms, time to fill is a blessing.I have decided to join a kickboxing class. I will meet new people and start having fun. I guess life is to short..I say this now. but it will be hard. have you got friends to support you and distract you. Call them and get them to be there instead of him. Its so annoying to say it but there are plenty more fish in the sea. An proberbly nicer ones too.

gymmike 0 #
Concord, NH, US | 2 years, 4 months ago (3 hours, 43 minutes after post)

I know… the heavy sinking feeling really sucks! I’ve had it about 50 times today… but so far am resisting the urge to contact by email or calling him. I know… I should probably get into an actuivity or something to take my mind of of this. I did kickboxing classes before. They were a lot of fun. I think you’ll like it and I guess it’s a great way to get or stay in shape and make yourself look good too. Can’t hurt! Maybe one of those fishes in the sea will notice too. I think though before I get into something else I need to fix whats wrong with me, and maybe learn to love myself first, take care of myself better and be okay with being alone sometimes. I think that might have a lot to do with trying to keep him around and getting him back… co-dependency issues, which I really hate that about myself! I feel like I need someone around to make me feel good, when in reality I should feel good about myself first and foremost! This is all easier said than done… that’s for sure! Especially once I leave work for the day today and it’s a nice Summer afternoon and I want to call him and see what he’s up to! Boy , oh boy… bad cycle!

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Love help: The relationship I have been in for the last 2 1/2 years has ended again for the millionth time. - Help.com

The relationship I have been in for the last 2 1/2 years has ended again for the millionth time.

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