Sibling help: my sister just hit me and slapped me around the face. - Help.com

How often does she do this?

Does she offer any reason or rationale for this behavior?

What kinds of things excite her into this state?

(don’t hit her back x.x)

she gets angry often. it was over the comp. she left it and i went on. she started shouting. i listened to her. she then slapped me.

i didn’t hit her back.

She slapped you when you didn’t fight back??

Alright then, two questions:

1) how old are you both?
2) does she make you feel like you deserve to be treated that way?

im 20, shes 16. she said i deserved it.

the only time i retaliated was to push her off. of move her out the way from the comp. she was standing in front of it. i didn;t hit too hard. perhaps pinched her a tiny bit but i don’t think it was hard. but it wasn;t for the sake of it. jst to move her out the way.

am i a bad person?

:/

but i thought id stay calm and listen to her and not involve with her argument with her mum. then she slapped me.

sorry, not retaliate. i made a mistake with words. i didn;t hit her or harm her. i meant defend myself.

gah, i’m sorry! i had to run out for a while. i hope you come back and read this…

no, you’re not a bad person. You’re absolutely right that shoving her wasn’t the appropriate way to respond, but everyone makes mistakes and the fact that you recognize yours is a good sign! :D

but you know, i’ve never been able to deal with that kind of person effectively :( can you confront her and say “why are you treating me like this, i don’t deserve it”? I think that standing up for yourself is the best choice, just don’t take that too far and become offensive….

write back and let me know what you think :D

Can you tell a parent what happened so they can intervene?

they’re both older, read the replies :P

Well the 16 year old certainly needs some parenting.

my mum talked to my sister. but my sister was pretty abusve back to her. shouting and screaming.
i shoved her abit. but not very hard. i didn;t want to risk it.

she slapped me in front of my brother and my mum.
i talked to my brother bout it. bit calmer.

Why is she allowed to do this, and where is your father?

He died over a year ago.

I wanted to use the comp but she left it. i wanted to use it and she came barging in and tried to push me off.
i said id give her 5 mins to come off, then she became offensive.

Call the police on her next time she gets physically violent.

My sincerest sympathies on the loss of your father. Has your sister become this way only after his death?

She was like this before. once when she was 9/10 she threatened me with a knife. she also pushed her ex down the stairs at one time.

Was there a significant event in the family when she was 8/9?

no

History of abuse or family violence? Alcohol or drugs?

my parents argued a lot. our dad used to hit us for disapline when we were kids.

Ok, so neither of you got to express your feelings, and both of you have had to find different survival strategies. You seem to be more the invisible one who keeps it all inside and doesn’t make waves. She took the other path to be heard, and learned hitting is how you control others. Neither strategy is particularly healthy.

I suspect you don’t want to do anything physical, particularly hitting, screaming, maybe not even expressing anger, and most people will advise against it. So, let’s look at loving strategies.

The first rule of family is that the parents are ultimately responsible for maintaining peace, for guiding their children into mature behaviors, but that doesn’t mean you and your siblings are powerless and can’t make a difference between you.

You can take the violence calmly, and say “you can hit me, but that won’t make me stop loving you,” and say “I still love you” when she screams, hits, or otherwise causes trouble for you. That’s probably an extreme change in the usual dynamics, so it’s likely to put her off her guard. She may continue the same behaviors for a while, possibly even escalating, but not getting the reactions she expects, she should calm down (become convinced) and realize she does want that love.

The one caution I have for that strategy is that you have to be very aware that you don’t deserve the abuse.

With that in mind, a stronger strategy is to set limits which you can enforce. Telling her “You will never hit me again,” will probably lead to a “what are you going to do about it?” challenge, which she can get away with if your parents aren’t doing their job. I they aren’t, the you can inform your parents that if they don’t stop the violence, you will call the police when she hits you again, but you have to mean it, and have to do it. No one will get arrested, but you can file a complaint, and it will make EVERYONE think twice about the situation.

If you get any flack from calling the police, repeat that if your parents won’t do something about it, you will.

One key element of the situation you two have been in is that neither of you have really had voice. I know, hers is probably very loud and clear, but it’s not the same as having one’s thoughts and feelings respected, or feeling one has power to affect their environment for the better. She’s aggressive because that’s what makes her feel her power.

So, she may be responsive to you two working together, and you will probably have to take the lead. The key is to spend time talking and listening to each other, getting in each other’s business a little while still being respectful. You two might make a deal to always be there for each other, that no matter what happens, you will love and listen to each other. It takes time and consistency, but that’s the basics of building a loving relationship.

Take advantage of moments, even those which normally explode. Instead of a hands-off approach when she’s aggressive, grab her and tickle her mercilessly. Think ahead about situations which commonly arise, and prepare responses, reactions and preventions. For example, if the computer is often an issue, you two might talk about a schedule, and agree to ask the other if she’s off the computer or needs it. You know, like, “Hey, sis! I’m getting on the computer for about an hour, do you need it for anything before I do?”

There will still be conflicts sometimes, and you might go to your parents to resolve them, but an “I love you, I know this is important to you, too, but I really have to do this” at least shows respect and keeps the trust.

You can call this hotline any time for further advice: 1-800-422-4453 (if you get a menu, listen for “Talk to Counselor”). It’s a national, 24/7, toll-free number specifically set up for child and sibling abuse. I know you may not think the abuse is extreme, but they can help you figure out ways to make things better, and be there for you in a crisis if you just need to talk to someone who can ground you.

if your sister hits you and is violent with you then stand up to her and tell you don’t like what she’s doing and that it hurts you more than just the scars that are left behind but it hurt you inside too.