guy help: Why is it that we want what we cant have? - Help.com

aaaaah.
you have bad boy syndrome!
i have it too.
unfortunately…i dont have the cure.
but someone told me once…that its about seeing in yourself how much you are worth. then you will not settle for anything less than the price charming on the white horse that you so deserve girl.

Yeah, no one ever pays the good guys much mind…
Poor good guys.

Umm, this is a hard one. Take control of yourself? Get in touch with your inner guy?

Ok then, why does he matter so much to you?

A little thing called desire. But to be honest we all feel that way once in a while…and i have to face the fact that Johnny Depp will never turn up at my door and ask me to run away with him *sigh*

There are men who walk in the door without any self-respect. Boring.

There are men who sell out for a little flirtation. At least the flirtation can be fun.

There are men who, with some seduction, are reduced to a bowl full of Jello left out too long in the sun. That can be challenging.

Then there are men who keep their self-respect, and those are the ones you want, because you instinctively know their hard-won, and damned hard for another woman to take her from you.

Sure, it’s nice to know you can affect men, because that some reassurance that you can choose the mate YOU want. But if you can win a man over easily, so can another woman. The short-term reassurance, and feeling of power, of your ability to get the attention of men is no reassurance of long-term security.

You want a man you can respect, which requires he have self-respect. And a self-respecting man doesn’t buy into those wicked little girl games.

More simply, you want to respect yourself in the morning.

But a thousand men talking to you? You flatter yourself. ;-)

because u want a challenge!!! haha lol

i wrote that before i read ur other posts. lol. u like to put the effort in. u like to win a prize for what u put into it. to make u feel good about urself.

Oster: Gettin’ It. wrote:
But if you can win a man over easily, so can another woman.

I disagree with this. It isn’t her sole choice to get in a relationship, and not every guy is looking for the same thing. There is no such thing as “winning” someone who has self-respects. If you were to truly “win someone over easily” than I would say they have no self-respect.

Cos we probly have what we want, so we stop wanting

Naska wrote:
If you were to truly “win someone over easily” than I would say they have no self-respect.

Exactly my point.

U want to be with some1 who is hard to get because u know they are able to look after themselves and be happy. they don’t depend on u emotionally.
if some1 is hard to get it then it shows they enjoy living their own exciting life and u want to be part of it and share that with them.

I have no idea, But if you ever find out pease let me know as I do the same, but not with men just life in general, I want everythig that I can’t have and mainly the things that are impossible to get or out of reach.
Maybe it’s just human nature, the challenge that makes us feel more alive :)

*doesn’t look her way*

I think it’s in many girls’ genetic inheritance.
We have touched on this before. The “bad guy” dominates the scene. He often looks physically fit, with muscles and so on. In reality he may just be a bodybuilder, secretly admiring his oiled muscles in front of the mirror. He would be vulnerable as a hamster in a real tough environment where real men with less visible muscles are the survivors. Furthermore, he is often violent or gives a violent impression. Like being able to protect his woman and family against hostile tribes.
His shoe size often outnumbers his IQ…

But he does not even notice you. Because he is too occupied by admiring himself…

I think it’s human nature to want what we can’t have.

I don’t think it’s human nature to want what you don’t have, there have been a couple of times in my life where I thought, at the time, that I had everything I wanted. I think the problem is, is when one is not satisfied with oneself, then you look for things to fill an emptyness. This includes shopping, or wanting people. The probable reason why you look for the guy who pays no attention to you is because you may have insecurities about yourself. This is just my opinion.

Mitz, I think that plays a role, too.

But girls have also been looking for security, safety, through all times. Long time ago that was provided for by other means than today. Long time ago it was physical strength, violent characters and other “basic” stuff. But today’s requirements for important qualities are entirely different.

I believe that I’m “a good guy”, intelligent enough to create security for my family by those abilities I have. When I love a girl, I also treat her accordingly with respect and whatever. I never cheat on her.

But over the years I have seen so many cases where girls I liked, instead chose bad guys who mistreated them with physical abuse, carelessness, cheating upon them, doing criminal stuff sending them in jail or whatever. Where it was sooo foreseeable! And where the girls were intelligent enough to really be able to predict it! But it is just like they “had” to select a bad future.

But I am not exciting. Well, I think some people find me exciting in another sense, because exciting things always happens around me.
But when it comes to feelings, I am dead steady as a rock!
I can of course be thrilled by other girls’ looks or behaviour, but I’d never cheat upon my wife! And the girls know that, making me a very boring choice.

I stick to what I believe in and don’t change, which makes me even more boring.

So it is like girls also have a masochistic tendency, looking for the thrill in not knowing…

demand attention

Controlling your emotion starts with controlling your actions. The general rule of ‘liking’ someone is how much time you spend around them as a friend. You must let your mind make your choices, not you emotions. Put your emotions aside and ask yourself what do you want.

If it’s to be free from wanting this guy then pull yourself away from. Stop spending so much time around him. Take the attention that you’re giving him and give it to someone or something else.

The man who hasn’t looked at you is mysterious. It’s human nature to be drawn to those who show no interest as we want to solve the “mystery”

I agree with all the others who said it can be about the challenge. Some of us like challenges and so we seek them out in all areas of our lives. I also think that some woman want to see if they can drag the good part out of the bad boy. It is the motherly instinct in us that sometimes makes us want to help the misunderstood. Sometimes the bad boy, or at least we think, is misunderstood. The other thing is that the nice guy likes everyone, while the bad boy seems more selective. Girls want to feel special, so when the bad boys chooses the girl and shares his inner good guy with him it makes her feel very special.

lol, i like good guys

well, maybe you find them boring and you find the bad boys exciting

you want to challenge yourself to change them, and in the back in your mind, you hope the reason they will change is you

Maxi, the good guy may “like everyone” in the meaning of treating everyone nice and friendly, but a good guy shows the girl he loves is very special. Always.

The bad guy often seems indifferent, incapable of emotions. That may be the challenge, I don’t know…

Okay, but what exactly is the challenge?

Oster, if you think of the worst possible persons, like Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot or whoever, they were once innocent babies. Somewhere along the road they picked up influences making them into the people they are known as.

And still, somewhere in their personalities, all people have something good somewhere, to someone. I have no reason to believe that Hiter wasn’t good to his German Shepherd, for instance. The cruelest concentration camp officer could probably go home to his family and fireplace, padding his dog gently and be kind to them. He may have been known in the village as a nice person by the shopkeeper or by people seeing him in another environment.

So apparently there is a self-destructing urge among a lot of women to “repair” the bad guys by being the one making their good sides appear. And that is certainly a challenge, because I think there is no chance in most cases.

About so-so 101 percent of the cases…

I think people should be judged by their actions. The knowledge about them “being good somewhere inside” does not help those who have been hurt.

very-well said molotok.

O totally agree with molotok…people should be juged for what they’ve done. To feel that anyone can change a bad person is ludicrous…..a person can only chnge if he/she WANT to change.

hotdog321 wrote:
O totally agree with molotok.

As do I.

:/

Mol, I’m pretty sure Dis wasn’t asking why, with so many nicer men around, she was irresistibly attracted Hitler.

Let me recap the discussion, as far as I understand it:

1. Dis asks, “Why do I pay attention to the one guy who doesn’t pay attention to me?”

2. Court says, “You have bad-boy syndrome!”

3. Dis replies, “Oh no, I like good guys in bad boy packaging.”

4. I suggest, “Guys who aren’t falling all over themselves because of a woman have self-respect.”

5. Flo says, “You want the challenge.”

6. (And here’s where I hope you know I love and respect you) You go off on a completely obtuse generalization of bad boys, characterizing them as all brawn and no brains, and without inner fortitude.

Good guys, and bad, come in all kinds of packages.

7. Max says, “The other thing is that the nice guy likes everyone, while the bad boy seems more selective. Girls want to feel special, so when the bad boys chooses the girl and shares his inner good guy with him it makes her feel very special.”

Which seem much closer to the mark, but still uses the “bad boy” phrase.

8. You say that women tend to want to fix bad boys, but that people should be judged for what they do and have done, not what they could be.

Here’s the thing: I don’t believe Dis is just talking about “bad boys.” I believe she’s talking about any man she might have some interest in who is not showing interest in her.

The idea that the challenge a man who isn’t paying attention got a lot of support, but I know there are underlying, perhaps very primal, motives which drive that. So, my question, again, is, “What, exactly, is the challenge?”

Hehe Oster, I did not say that ndis was attracted by SUCH bad guys. I used them to express that there are “good” in everybody if you dig deeply enough for it.

I cite you: “…but I know there are underlying, perhaps very primal, motives which drive that. So, my question, again, is, “What, exactly, is the challenge?”

And that is my point. I think that is a primal motive which I tried to describe, and I therefore used that generalized “bad boy” type. (In this argument I had no use of a body-builder with Einsteins brain and Nelson Mandela’s care for people.)

I don’t know if it is so in ndis’ case, but I think it is part of the underlaying reason for what Court calls “bad boy syndrome”.

Your item 8)… Well yes, I said so. I am fully aware of the contradictions and paradoxes as compared to some of the comments I have made in ‘Help’.
As a techer or social worker you work with people’s potential. You try to look past their life-bagage and focus onto the future, and potential. Such people are performing a profession, often personally engaging but mostly stay healthier by not engaging personally.
But a person in so-so mental condition must be held responsible for his or her actions. If a man SAY that he want to live peacefully but still kicks people in their heads, he should be held accountable for the kicking…

In some cases you have no choice, i.e. when your child or close relative is the person behaving badly. Then you’ll HAVE to try to dig up the good sides.
But I believe that if your daughter became fascinated by a bully or by a criminal, because she believed that she could “fix” him, you would try to steer her away from him BEFORE she fell in love in him and got her own life destroyed.

And I think it is a very primal thing with many girls, looking for bad boys. Of course most often not as bad as above described, but still…

But you are right, ndis was only asking why she is interested in a guy who doesn’t pay attention to her.
I don’t know.
Maybe he is good looking, and a millionaire.
And perhaps he is gay, already married to another gay.
And impotent.

well that really sucks
try to work up talking to him like say Hi maybe one day cause if you just randomly walk up to a person and start talking then it’s really awkward yea I know what it’s like to want something I can’t have but unfortunately it’s just a part of the human race and it’s going to happen at one point or another just try to not pay that much attention to him and then maybe he’ll notice you more

Oh, I see, Mol: You were examining possible primal motivations. I’ve seen that “fixing” thing, too, and don’t believe I’ve ever seen it work. Codependent, perhaps.

I hear you, Dis, and I prefer my women the same way. I’m looking for an equal who can challenge me in some ways, care for me in others, respect I am my own person, know that I am her man, and always love me. If a woman can’t pick on me a bit, poke fun at my occasional ungroundedness, speak up when I’m wrong or when she feels she’s right, I lose interest.

No pawing, fainting flower without a backbone is going to do it for me.

i guess the challenege if the confidence thing. i guess confience is generally seen as very attractive.
i noticed that if i play hard to get, i attract more people. i believe in myself that only i can provide the happiness within myself, and not from some guy. it really does make a differeece having that attitude, rather than sulking ‘i can’t have the guy’. it makes me feel im a stronger person and can take care of myself and i can have my own fun.
perhaps people like some1 who can take care of themselves. (personally, i think it mainly plays within the mind). to me, its an interesting concept.
perhaps seeing some1 have fun gives u the idea that ur missing out. u don;t want to miss out on anything!
i know as humans have evolved through time, whenever a good oppurtunity comes a long they want to take it.
goodness, this really is confusing!

perhaps also one reason why some1 finds confidence attractive because they lack it in themselves, so try to find it in some1 else to make them whole.

there is prob a control element in this. as you said its to do with wanting to fix some1. but whether fix is the word i don’t know. perhaps the persons inique ideal of perfection. perfection is in the eye of the beholder. each desires and wants would differ. it wud be like u want to create the reality how u want it, u want to change them to how u want them to. i believe what uve lot been saying has a point.

if u want what u can’t have u fear subconsciously that ur missing out. you want them how u want them to be because of the fear of not having ur ways. i think perhaps wanting to change some1 is soo not good, gets you no where. and what uve lot said is true.

you want to be with them to make u feel whole because of the confidence they have because of lacking it in urself. you want to feel in control because of the lack of security in urself.

but as a total result, if u have this attitude, itll carry on unless u are willing to acknowledge and change it. i remember when i was at a nursery i worked with this young child. his attutide was irritating, but i found it interesting and quite facinating at the same time. everytime he had to make a decision from at least 2 or more things, afterwards he’d not be happy with what he had, he’d always want the other instead! he was constantly thinking he;d be better off if he had something else to begin with. i remember for a painting activity i offered him a choice of either green or blue paper. he chose the blue one. after he did his painting, he said he wanted the blue one! from then on i realised whatever i did he wasn’t going to be happy with what i provided because it was his problem!

learning and taking responsibility for ur own happiness and no other person to provide it will help u become stronger. u will have inner strength. not allowing for another person to make u feel secure and not trying to make an attachment based on fear will help love flow in ur life. because no conditions are required. ud accept them for what they are!

(but it is good to set limitations on what is acceptable) u as a human being do need love urself and inviting a controller wud be emotionally draining. invite those who’d give u free opportunity to do what u r comfortable with!

soz i mean the green one, not the blue one!

Brilliant post, Flo!

My favorite bit was this realization:

Florence1987 wrote:
from then on i realised whatever i did he wasn’t going to be happy with what i provided because it was his problem!

thanks oster :)
lol, yeh, it was!

this song is excellant. “after you get what you want, you don’t want what you wanted at all!”

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xOptoR…