This post left anonymously
How do you know when to walk away from the relationship you are in?
I need some outside advice on whether or not I should stay with my boyfriend or if I am just wasting my time if you respond I can give you more information it’s a long story.
Since writing this post Anonymous may have helped people, but has not within the last 4 days.
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well- I would say that if there is not peace and joy, it has been mostly challenges, and you dont see changes even though you’ve worked on it lots….may be time to consider it….
mostly though, if you’re asking that question….its probably time to walk away
you walk away when you can no longer love… or figure out how to love, AND you have learned your lesson. There is a reason you are in this relationship. Is he like your dad? Is he the same kind of man that you’ve had failed relationships with before? It’s quite common. It is the human condition to attract to ourself our parental figure. The theroy for this is that there is some hurt that is need of healing. We also attract the same kind of person time and time again. The ONLY reason that could be happening is that the Universe is definitely trying to tell us something… AND it will continue to repeat itself until you get it! (the Universe is kinda naggy that way!) So… if you have learned your deeper lesson then by all means walk away. Walk away without learning your deeper lesson… and you’ll fall into the same trap next time… blame the Universe… it doesn’t mind. :)
Tell us what’s going on in the relationship so we know what we’re dealing with…
4 some reason i dont see my post so pllz can you anser my ? 4me
What do you mean you can’t see your post?
its not there
i dont feel the urge to live any more my life sucks God hates me my life is just..i just wont to end it all
Oaky I have been with him for a year are we started out good but I started to notice that he had a little drinking problem and then he lost his job last Feburaury still I stayed I mean it wasn’t his fault right. anyway he basically did nothing all summer he said he was on vacation his unemplyment was gettin ready to run out so I started looking for a job for him and found him a really good one and he never even said thank you not that I did it for reconnition but thank you would be nice and he tells everyone HE found the job in the paper LIE he always threatens to leave me and tells me how many women would love to be with him points out EVERY pretty girl and tells me how they are checking him out and they must want him I havve stood by this man through everything and I just don’t know when is enough enough?
Sorry sweetie - he sounds like a loser. DUMP HIM.
if its true love let him go hell come back
Jess, start a new post, we’d love to help you. God doesn’t hate you at all. He send you here. But start a new post, this one is someone elses.
Just start a post, I’ll be there as soon as it’s on.
Yeah. Enough is enough. It’ll be hard, but I think you should leave him.
He has a drinking problem.
He demeans you.
It is obvious to me. This is NOT love. You deserve REAL LOVE - someone who cherishes you, is kind and Loving. Get RID OF HIM girl. To hang out with someone not loving, not good for your heart or spirit.
Abuse is abuse… I don’t care how you sort it out. You can stay in an abusive relationship if you choose… it will not do you any good. Was your dad abusive to your mom??
Anyone who threatens to leave you for no good reason is someone you’d be better off without. This guy could be bad and lazy, or disturbed and troubled and in need of help, but it is not a good thing for you to stay with him either way.
A drinking problem….and not nice to you? Forget him Sister!!!!
Not a good relationship if you’re being threatened (not to say immature). Get out. God has a GOod plan for you to be with a good man, not an immature drinking liar….GET OUT…
The sadest part is I don’t think he would even care if I did leave him he makes me feel like I don’t even matter to him and I am VERY good to him. My biggest fear is that he will be a wonderful man for the next girl the man I needed him to be for me and that will confirm the fact that I never meant anything to him.
No honey, he won’t be a better guy for her unless he learns from your leaving him. And if he does learn and changes his life around, good for him. You’ll be having a much better life of your own anyway, so why bother about him?
I understand how you feel. It took me a while to leave my loser ex husband, and now he’s happily remarried and treats his new child and wife alot better. But the thing is, our relationship was a learning experience for him. I’m GLAD he’s become a better man. He needed that. Don’t stay with someone who doesn’t deserve you sweetie. You can do so much better!! I did!! :D
that’s bull… don’t beat yourself up like that. Oh he’ll want you to belive that, because that’s what he’s all about… CONTROL. but trust me… if you ask his new girl after 6 months how she’s doing you’ll get the real story UNLESS she is a very ill person psychologically.
WHY in the world would you stay at all? Because he may turn out good for someone else later??? But, you say that right now he probably wouldnt even care if you stayed or left??? LEAVE HIM. It is not an example of him so much as You anymore if you stay — you said it - you treat him very well and he doesnt care — well, thats on you to move on, find someone who treats you well. It is not healthy or a good idea to stick around hoping for a different situation. This isn’t love. Sorry girl but get out, get some hobbies, stop focusing on Him and what He’s doing. Even getting the job - thats HIS job to do, not yours.
I think it may be a good idea you focus on You…get some hobbies, balance, get this dark drag outa your world and move on girl…
I guess you are afraid that the whole relationship was a lie in the first place, aren’t you? Whatever he feels or doen’t feel now doesn’t mean he never loved you before, in the beginning when things were nice. And even if he didn’t, your memories of the good times are not stained by this knowledge, your love for him was real and worthy. Your care was given with an honest heart. Feel good about yourself, you don’t need someone else to tell you you are worthy. You are a very loving person and that can only be a good thing.
I just don’t know what more he wants from me he tells me it’s my fault he drinks because I don’t help him quit I try I don’t hoe to make someone stop drinking. I am trying to love him unconditionally like you are supposed to love someone but it is so hard because it is not appreciated at all I feel like I do not even matter to him I mean will be out together and he will talk abotu other women and how he could have them if he wanted he flirts with his daughter’s cheerleading coach right in front of me stands by her after I have told him I do not like it at all they talk aabout me and laugh it is so humiliating I hate it!!!!
What he wants from you:
* For you to be intimidated
It’s working! Don’t let him do that!!
I am a very loving and trmendously loyal and there in lies the problem I just keep giving love to him and he keeps taking it but it doesn’t matter to him and it hurts me to know that the love I give him he could care less about it is one of the worse feeling I have ever felt and I don’t know how to muster up the strength to tell him good bye I have no self worth left he has made me feel worhtless like if I leave big deal women would be lined up around the block to be with him aqnd no one would want me.
Very loving and loyal are not problems. Somewhere out there a wonderful guy is waiting to meet a wonderful lady like you ;) You ARE worth being loved and respected!
He thinks I am a joke and I don’t know why I have a good job a place of my own (he lives with his mom). I take care of my two boys by myself so I can’t figure out why he thinks I am so worthless? It’s like he purposely TRYS to be mean to me and make me feel worthless WHY?
He needs to make you feel worthless, so his miserable existance will have some sort of value.
This is NOT love. ‘Tremendously Loyal’, sorry, but its a title youre giving yourself as an excuse to stay in an abusive situation and not look at the truth of you AND him. Tremendously loyal is something that should be earned - and deserved - these are gifts to be given in wisdom - not characteristics given out without thinking about to whom — you need to get away from this guy. He is not good for you. You are not getting anything worth having here.
His drinking is HIS problem. It is not healthy. Him blaming you is not healthy. You staying just b/c you have fears you may be alone isn’t healthy. You’d be BETTER OFF ALONE. DUMP him. And start focusing on/looking at yourSElf. Look for women’s groups, find a minister, start volunteering - get rid of that - it is unhealthy poison for your spirit. FIGHT for yourself girl - by walking away. Period. And by rejecting that kind of dark, joyless, peaceless nonsense.
Mitz is right - you deserve a loving, kind, sweet guy. But only you can demand this for yourself. This isn’t the guy. He isnt going to magically change that way with someone else or, more importantly, with you either. This is NOT LOVE. This is a bad relationship…..
He just tears you down….STOP ASKING WHY and decide YOU DONT NEED IT/WANT IT.
You are in an abusive relationship sweetie. Part of the ‘darks’ that keep you there is the illusion that it can be different - just get it out of your life….you cant get better for yourself until you demand it….
part of the hook of abuse is the (wrong, deceptive) belief that something magic will happen, and that things will all be okay and change…NOT TRUE.
Abusive relationships are just that - abusive relationships. Recognizing that truth is the lesson….and demanding better for yourself. Get of of this girl.
Start focusing on YOU, stop focusing on HIM. Look at it like you are sick, meaning, your Spirit is sick…unwell….and begin making a program to help YOU. Forget him. Focus on you and lifting your spirits, learning what needs to be learned so you don’t end up with someone like him again and so you can have peace and joy first, on your own, then with someone else. You can do it girl…
He crys sometimes when he is drunk and when I ask him why he says he hates his life and that hurts me because I try so hard to help him and for him then say his life is so horrible I mean he has me who is there for him no matter what I know people who would love that to know that they have someone in there corner to support them through lifes hard tomes but not him it’s almost like he punishes me for it.
I want it so bad to really be loved to be in a relationship where I matter where I am appreciated for being me where just being me is enough where I can feel at ease knowing that this person loves me for REAL!!!! It is so hard to try and be perfect all the time to walk on egg shells all the time it’s almost like holding my breath.
It is extremely hard.
[quote Anonymous]Oaky I have been with him for a year are we started out good but I started to notice that he had a little drinking problem and then he lost his job last Feburaury still I stayed I mean it wasn’t his fault right.
- - - If I had written this then this is the point when I would have left him - Enough is enough - - whos carrying who here? he is not showing appreciation cos he doesn’t want your help and is trying to tell you this SO - - stop supporting him with the “its not his fault” fact YES it is his fault But AS he does not have the problem with his behaviour, so it does not matter to him, so in a way he is blameless - - you do have issues so you have the problem - -
you obviously love him but YOU CAN NOT CHANGE HIM - - FACT so put up with it or dump him (he may not notice) women see and read into things that are not always there :) you’ll feel better when the relationship is over and you can concentrate on yourself!
He does want me to help him he ask me all the time to help him and I do he just wants to help him constanly and not ever agknowledge all that I do for him just keep doing it
It is NOT YOUR JOB.
Quit questioning why, how, this that and something else.
He is MEssed up and you are messed up for still dealing with all this mess.
This isn’t love. It is sad and dark and sick.
Get other things in your life, a balanced plate - a NEW HOBBY other than fixing him.
You said yourself he doesnt acknowledge - sister - THIS IS NOT healthy.
Quit asking why or if there is anything you can do - that is part of the dis-ease of this dynamic. Look into getting books on codependency….see a minister or counselor…get some hobbies. Your relationship should not be a chore, a dark ongoing source of misery. Move on girl.
Still talking about all the dark dynamics and how, why - wont help.
You are not well - making him your focus is as dark to you as alcohol to him.
It is not good. MOVE ON.
love yourself a little bit.
i have a sister and a cousing that are really beautiful, they have both been really dissapointed by cute losers. Now they are getting married with guys that may not be great looking, but at least treat them with love and show them they mean everything to them.
U want a good step father for your children? you want a man that treats you good? that is a friend to you? a man that wants to provide his family? This guy will never be him. The next girl will probably spoil him like you, and he will probably never change. He is like a tree that didn’t grow straight, now it’s probably too late.
My father was like him, he left my mother with 3 children (one of them is me) had 1 children outside marriage, then he got married a 2nd time and had 1 more child, then got divorced, now he is on his 3rd marriage and has 3 more children and he is unhappy (and guess what has two 20 year old girlfriends..)
My mother was the best, the other 2 next wives were sluts.. he regrets it, but it’s too late now, BUT NOW he is 65, do you want to wait that long?
Love yourself, valorize yourself, if u don’t do that, nobody else will.
co dendency what is that?
codependency is kind of a disease — a disease of helping others to your own detriment/even though it is bad for You…
not healthy. best to focus on you…..
If you have a place of your own and support your kids, that is all you need. Think of your kids they don’t need to see someone abusing their mom. If he started out with a little drinking problem and has lost his job because of it….it is now a BIG drinking problem. You can do so much better for yourself. I was married 2 tmes to men that drank and it took my second divorce for it to finally sink in. Don’t put tyourself through that. The guy has a problem, since he is still living with his mommy let her continue to take care of him. You find a man that REALLY loves you. All this guy loves is the bottle.
You want to help him and we love you for wanting that. But there is only one way in which you can help him: leave him. Let him find out that there are consequences to his actions and that he cannot treat you like this. He’ll either realize all the things you did for him and try to change, maybe be better in a next relationship, or he refuses to change and that will be his choice. Right now you are the excuse he has for not changing. You cannot help anyone change their life unless they are willing to change it themselves.
You don’t have to stop loving him, that’s not something you can do overnight. You do have to realize that the best way to love him is leave him and let him sort out his own mess. That’s best for you as well and for your kids too in the long term because this is eating away at your energy. There will be someone for you in the future that appreciates what you do for him. Just don’t search for someone you can help, but for someone that you can be an equal partner with. That’s the only kind of relationship that holds out in the end. Doesn’t mean you cannot support your partner in difficult times, only that he should support you too.
I think the thing I am most scared of is the fear of the pain I am going to feel when I leave and he doesn’t care then I will know that he never loved me and that I never meant anything to him and that is going to hurt like nothing else to know that you gave your love to someone and they never even cared about you.
That’s not true, anon. If he loves you know or not has no bearing on whether he loved you before. Really, people can stop loving you for a number of reasons: they might get too much involved in their own problems, they might unjustly blame you for their troubles, they might just not be a verygood match to you. That he won’t care (which is not a given yet, by the way) won’t mean he never loved you or never cared. He might even still love you somewhere underneath all this drink and complaining. My guess would be that he will in fact notice and care that you leave him. It’ll give him a shock, which he might need most right now. Even if he doesn’t love you (anymore) he will find out all the things you did for him and are not done anymore.
now instead of the first know. I’m really starting to mix them up now, sorry.
I know that I love him very much I just wish that he could see and appreciate it but I guess I should stop wanting that huh? He tells me all the time that he loves me so I don’t understand and if I try to talk to him he says it is not true it’s all too confusing!!! I totally hate it
he has done lots of things to me, he gets drunk alot,he lies to me flirts with other women in front of me makes fun of me all the time, yells at my kids and makes fun of them I am very good to him and love him very much and he hurts me I don’t understand I try so hard to make him happy and it never seems like enough he says he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me so why does he treat me so bad? I am so hurt and confused I don’t know what to do what do you suggest I have spoken to him and he says I am being crazy what do you suggest?
the response we have all been saying is:: MOVE ON. NOt good for you.
It seems you dont want to hear it and still want to go over details of what a creep he is.
That is not useful for you. Getting out is what you need to do.
not to be mean - but I think it is NOT COOL of you to let him make fun of your children.
what are you doing?
what are you doing to your children?
quit whining about everything You keep letting him do.
get your priorities straight, grow up, dump him, take care of your kids.
get your priorities straight, grow up, dump him, take care of your kids.
You know it’s time to leave when you want to take his toothbrush to clean the toilet or the dog’s water dish.
walk away if u know they are trying to take over ur life and they beleive that the relationship is about him, rather than him AND YOU.
if he stops u from freely expressing urself and make ur own decisions and choices.
if he makes u feel like crap, believe in urself that u can do better.
if hes insecure he’ll be in for the taking, and no giving.
soz im not makin much sense, just tired. but im sure u get what i mean.x
OMG, that was really good Flo!, ur starting to talk like Oster! lol!
When you have to ask this question.
he’s just trying to put you down to make you emotionally weak so that he can more easily control you and your life. he is trying to do the same thing with your kids. *******. get rid of him.
“it is NOT COOL of you to let him make fun of your children.
what are you doing?
what are you doing to your children?
quit whining about everything You keep letting him do.
get your priorities straight, grow up, dump him, take care of your kids.”
the route to all this is you are trying to find security because of ur fear of being a lone. All human beings want to be loved, and it is a natural desire, but some can sometimes get to an extent and behave in ways which are not the best for themselves. this is u trying to attempt to change someone, somebody already mentioned that in this post which is good, as this is so long itll take me a while to find who said it.
trying to change some1 wud constantly leave u with nasty consequences, as it is showing u here. u are emotionally unstable. this person is also trying to convince you that you are in his power to get the better of you because he’s aware he can succeed in that. my mum used to try and change my dad and most nights they’d end up with conflict with one another. they basically stayed because they were both insecure in their own ways and feared being a lone. but they stayed together for over 20 years, and if my dad is still a live im sure they’d still be with one another. but im unsure if there relationship was brilliant. i duno
a proper lesson to learn is to accept u cannot change a person. know that from the start and that u can accept them for what they are instead of trying to make them become what u want them to be. u r putting urself into an illusion of ur imagination to create a person who ceases to exist. failing to see the reality of the situation and creating ur world how u wish it to be. perhaps its because u don’t feel secure enough in urself to know u deserve to be loved for the way u are, because you are failing the attempt to find some1 who can love you by putting that into act.
do you have a job and are you doing things u want to do? if u start finding things to do you enjoy this will help you become stable and realise you don’t need the security in a controlling relationship to make u feel safe, even though, ironically it does the opposite. x flo
i mean some1 who loves u wud love u by them putting that into act.
Not sure where to begin - but I want to (try) to speak a little from his point of view because I feel that may help to enlighten you more than all the other posts (without detracting from any of them).
This guy has quite a few issues with himself, but let’s pick on just two that matter here - relationships and drinking. Any ideas of helping him quit drinking (which is CLEARLY doing him no good and probably out of control to some extent) are a bit misguided, he needs to know and understand first that it is a problem (he is surely in denial of this, blaming you or his problems for it and not seein git as part of the problem). The only person that can quit it is himself, and he simply has to WANT to do it. You can do NOTHING to help him wiht thta until then - eny attempts to help him are at best worthless and at worse adding to the problem as he kics against them. Secondly in relaitonships he sounds simply too imature, he needs to be able to see his abusive behaviour. Now here is the BIG one, if he manages to grow beyond this he WILL eventually see it, now that is going to hurt him. Believe this, it will be like all his sins cme back to haunt him an dhe will need to find a way to deal with that. At present he cannot see what he is doing as abuse - the alcohol gets in the way and he is too wrapped up in himself and possibly self-pity to ever see your point of view.
Now if you can get your head around that - and if you “love” him (I can relate to that, however he behaves the behaviour is not “him”) - then your key to understand is that your role in being any solution if to LEAVE. Staying with him is hurting him - it validates his behaviour and denies the problem.
The only rider I could try on that, and actually it makes it a lot harder to leave, is that if you are strong enough and realy think he is worth it - then get to talk to him sober and explain WHY you are leaving, to give him the opportunity to learn.
Long run you will both get hurt more staying - also I would NOT recommend any contact after the end of the relationship.
I am speaking from the point of a mature man who has gone throuhg a lot of his bahaviour and wishes a loving woman had taught me the lesson you can teach him now…. I really do know what I am talking about from his end of things if that helps - and obviously I do not ant to go into detail on that in a posting - but if you want it then shout me…
post script - someone said love yourself a bit - I would say love yourself and your son A LOT and start the split by doing so exclusively, particularly your child, which will be the easier of the two clearly and CAN be unconditional (personally I think unconditional love for another other than your children is delusional). I know you subscibe to this idea, but I think you have shown yourself the terrible trap it represents. Hope that does not seem too harsh. Start the loving of yourself by RESPECTing your needs, the ones he is clearly NOT meeting.
you should walk away when you are done with him and you are tired of his attitude.
No hooker - clearly she’s not done being mistreated and abused.
She needs to GET the discipline to walk away for her kids, b/c abuse is bad…. and b/c this is so mean/selfish/crazy to put her kids thru this…
I agree with all that you are guys are saying I really do and I plan on telling him tonight when I see him that this has to end
I wish you corage then, and a good future.
Maybe I know the reason of all your pain. Look on the internet for ADD. It might be something he is dealing with.
If this is the case: let him search for professional help. In mean time. You drop him and stay friends. Encourage him from time to time to go seek help. But it’s not up to you to help him. You’re not a psycho, are you?
Ugh… I can’t……
That’s tough Marque. Sounds like she either hated it there at school and used you as an excuse for herself to leave, or she isn’t sure at all what she wants in life. Third option: her gran needs her.
In all cases, she’s hurting you badly, probably unintentionally but that doesn’t decrease the pain. You have to choose for yourself if the change of your relationship getting salvaged in the future is worth this pain. If it’s not, tell her not to contact you anymore. If it is, find out as soon as possible what the whole story is. If you have to, go to the grandma and ask her.
its not cool to hijack someone else’s post.
Post your story on your own post.
ANON: I’m not sure you should tell him. You seem so addicted to his rejection and abuse and the whole dynamic. I would suggest you just stop seeing him/start building your own life with your kids and leave it at that. There is no reason to even put yourself through that and it seems it will be a lot of drama. If you just start making other choices, not seeing him, and he asks - you can just say your wanting to focus on other things. But you must be RESOLVEd. Most likely he’ll come after you only to abuse you some more, thats how it works. Which is why: I wouldnt even have that conversatiion until you’ve had some counseling, get some support and have a life started for yourself. From what it sounds, he most likely wont care except his punch bag is gone.
Hey Anon, my kids dad was just like the guy you are with. Getting drunk and flirting with girls in front of me telling me he doesn’t want to go to the bar with me cause bars are for single people (although he goes to the bar ALL THE TIME and is not single cause he was still with ME!), next time getting drunk and crying about how his life is so bad and he feels so bad about everything, next time getting drunk and saying it’s my fault cause I am no fun so he has to get drunk to have any fun, next time getting drunk and popping his tires doing donuts, next time getting so drunk he passes out barfs on the heater and pees his pants…… it goes on and on and on. He is an alcoholic and will blame anyone else for his problems. He will never change until he hits rock bottom and finds he has to quit drinking and get a life. He will say he loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you cause he is a lier, he only has love for himself right now, but you are a warm body in his bed like a security blanket. Kick him to the curb girl, you need to focus on raising your kids right, and that means keeping them away from this loser!
Get out………RUN and don’t look back
if this attempt fails. next time see him in a public place with a friend so he will less likely encourage you to get together again.
Sometime a man can be so cold and distant in a relationship if you have to give 100% of yourself to the relationship don’t walk away run away. A woman needs to be in relationship where the man treat her with respect a man can have female friends but he must let his woman be first in all things. A strong woman will not spend a day with a man who does not give her the respect that a woman desevers and if a woman allows a man to maniuplate her and play games with her she might as well be a welcome mat for destructions because that man will walk all over her. If a man really loves you but you feel he not treating you right leave him if he really care for you, he will notice that he does not have your attention or love like he use to getting from you and if he really love you he will run to you and cherish you like the queen you are. The power of love is wonderful if you have respect.
joesph and noah jerry
i am sorry because stay away from me i want space hurt feeling i am lonely spend wonderful girl you want but tell you on my birthday did give present for me but
afaird please let’s know next guy want to be 20 year old go date other guy not you
you are jerk and mean not appreciate from me work on my cocert and songwriter not
be with me hurt me lots spend myself lunch good luck post read it joesph lies to
me have brother did tell me were mccracken about past and jerry been jerk and spend girl lonely going to walk way from you noah made up to me please forgive me i am sorry to me have fun wonderful girlfriend let’s go move on
I am rudely jumping into this conversation. I have a few concerns and questions myself. Let me give you a very quick update or bio on my situation. I am 41 now, a short time over a year ago I met a man who is 9 yrs older than I. From the beginning, he’s been up front and honest. He was just filing for divorce of a 30 yr marriage from a woman who cheated a number of times, carried on an affair for over 15 years with a local.. He knows he has a drinking problem, he controls it as much as he can. It doesn’t get in the way of his job, work comes first. He and I have always been honest with each other, it hurts sometimes. The divorce is still not over yet. He struggles with this alot, I am understanding with this. He loved his wife dearly and has always known that she had a fidelity problem, but kept hoping it would stop.. He is controlling in some ways, I contribute that to the affairs. It almost seems like I am paying for ‘her’ mistakes.. He has standed firm that he doesn’t want anything serious, not sure if he ever will he says. I’ve been living with him since July 2009, but still pay my bills at my other place. We both are comfortable with this. Just in case. He says he loves me, and treats me good for the most part. He gets angry very easily and can be cold at times. I feel I have given up a lot to be with him, and I am always going out of my way to tend to him and take care of him. He doesn’t do those little things for me like I do him. Is there any hope at all? He talks about the future with me, but then says something else later. He has always said that he wants to date other women. But hasn’t. He said that he wanted to go wild after leaving his wife, he met me 7 weeks after he left, I was the first woman he was with. I’m very good to him, and he will tell you that. We get along great… Any suggestions please email at i> small>(email removed) /small> /i>
just because you love him it dosen’t mean it’s good love, don’t waste years of your life wondering , love can be a wonderful , don’t settle
debraray: Women are chamelions….we mold our lives around a man’s because we love them. But actually you’re loving him like a mother. If you’re not his equal, you are his slave or his mother. A relationship should not make you give up part of your life or your self. A relationship should enhance your life. Sit down and write two columns….pros/cons….be honest with yourself, what’s good and what’s not and find out how much your life and future is being enhanced….if it’s not, wish him well and go home, find someone who values you like a partner and best friend.
so did you leave him?
Kaycnj3: Did I leave him? Actually I did, but I made him say the words that would keep me from coming back. He was being cruel to me, trying to get me to leave him, but I stayed and made him say all the awful things he wanted to say because I knew if he didn’t say them to me, I would forgive him and go back for more abuse-I loved him. Because I made myself listen to all his cruelty, I will never go back and have already grieved for what my marriage should have been, not what it actually was. Consequently, I don’t believe in love anymore, and I don’t believe most men anymore. I tend to be guarded and protect myself from being hurt. I don’t trust anymore.
Just don’t fall into that same pattern of abuse. I hope there is real healthy love in your future. Don’t settle! Don’t waste time in any of your next realationship if hes not the one. One day you will find the one ture love. Your worth it!!!
Kaycnj3: I don’t think I’ll ever love again, my life won’t be long and I can’t see me trusting that far ever again. I just looked up and saw your post: my mom didn’t love me or show affection?…..My mother was the same way, she was always critical but I learned that was her way of showing she cared, I would have preferred a “I’m proud of you” but that wasn’t in her DNA, instead she would say, you need to do something with that wild hair!! Ha ha!!
It’s sooooooooooo simple folk’s……you walk away ….when there is more “PAIN”..then “HAPPINESS”…Period!
I hear you and am almost the exact same situation only with out the drinking issue. There are many forms of abuse unfortunately and I have been around it most of my life wither thru family or a relationship. Where I am at right now is I am still seeing my x fiance and we have known each other for almost 2 years. We were even engaged at one point. I broke off the engagement 6 months ago and yet we are still talking and seeing each other. The people who love me and support me tell me I should dump him but have not been able to yet. I dont know why that is cause its only hurting more to stay in it. He is verbally and emotionally abusive and treats me with no respect. What I dont get is how the first 8 months were so perfect and then it just went to **** basically. I should be able to walk away from someone who treats me the way he does.
Here are just a few examples of how he talks to me. I am talking to you because i think we could help support each other you are not alone.
I’ve got a big week ahead of me and all you want to do is create more drama and try and destroy me mentally. I’m tired of this roller coaster too!! If our relationship comes down to me having a clean house and nothing else then I guess it wasn’t much of a relationship. If you think therapy is going to make everything else go away you are dreaming. What therapy is going to do is make me think of all of the moments when everything seemed to be going good and then in the blink of an eye, it goes into the world of the bizarre
If you think that I abused you, it makes me question WHAT it is that you call abuse and question EVERYTHING that you’ve told me about abuse that you’ve been through. What goes on between you and your dad IS abuse (from both ends). I believe that your father has been emotionally and verbally abusive for a long time, but you are as abusive at times towards him as he is towards you. Saying “**** you” after being called a liar for hours is not verbal abuse, it’s an argument and frustrations coming out. After biting my tongue to avoid an argument for a while, I lost it and as you may have noticed I speak what’s on my mind more now than I did before so that I don’t get mad and yell again.
Why is it that everytime I think we are making progress in our relationship that I seem to get kicked in the teeth and stabbed in the back. Have I done something to you again that I am unaware of?? Going behind my back to sabotage my friendships and family relationships is not the way to show me that we have gotten anywhere. Maybe if you could maintain a positive thought for more than a couple of hours before feeling sorry for yourself we could make some real progress between us. I love you and desperately want things to work, but it seems that you keep wanting to bring our relationship issues to people that have no say or business being in our relationship. Why is that?
Maybe if you could maintain a positive thought for more than a couple of hours before feeling sorry for yourself we could make some real progress between us.
I am heartbroken
You said “I want it so bad to really be loved to be in a relationship where I matter where I am appreciated for being me where just being me is enough where I can feel at ease knowing that this person loves me for REAL!!!! It is so hard to try and be perfect all the time to walk on egg shells all the time it’s almost like holding my breath.
It is extremely hard.”
You have to hear yourself. You already know this is no good for you. You already know he doesn’t care enough or seem to value or respect you. He’s trampling all over your heart and feelings and taking full advantage of the fact that you love him. But this is not fair to you, nor healthy. He might say the pretty words, but his actions do not match what he says, therefore they are just BS. Sincerity shows in the actions. You cannot MAKE someone love you and give you the respect you deserve if it’s not in them to do so, and if he doesn’t care enough to consider your feelings when he behaves badly, it’s really time to walk away. This is NOT the kind of relationship you want. It’s better to have NO relationship than this. It may hurt for awhile, but you have to come to accept you cannot make someone love you and this will only bring pain and heartache, and why prolong it. Be alone for awhile, and only then can something new and GOOD enter your life again. Give yourself some time to heal.
This is not a good situation for either of you really. And you are not being a very good friend to YOURSELF. You cannot and should not have to live “walking on eggshells”. There is no future in this relationship, no happy ending, unless he were to change dramatically… and it’s just not very likely. It is obvious he is not capable of a decent and fair relationship right now, one that considers and respects the feelings of the other. He is very selfish. Eventually it will no doubt come to an end anyway, and he’ll move on to hurt someone else. Spare yourself more months or years of misery. Take your soul back, and your right to find happiness, peace, and REAL love. Don’t stay with someone who clearly doesn’t care or respect you as they should. That’s not love, he’s very selfish and insincere. It’s time to walk away from that and say No, that is not what I want… Open your door to something “real” in the future by walking away now…
If he does NOT care about your feelings nor give you respect, walk away. Over time you would find that you can’t really love someone who doesn’t treat you decently either… you of course lose respect for them too. Don’t hang on for the wrong reasons, and don’t settle for emotional abuse from this user. Perhaps he has narcissistic personality disorder.
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